Description: Just found an old poem that I wrote and touched it up a little. tell me what you think.
Lost in Pain -------------------------------------------
Lost in the darkness I search for myself
Trapped in a prison made of glass
No strength to rise but I see
All the choices in front of me
Could break the glass if only I’d try
But the will is buried deep inside
Watching the world pass me by
I yell for help from those outside
But silent pleas fall on death ears
And no one looks in to see my tears
Goodbye life full of lies
I retreat inside
Living in the past I find no rest
Memories of my distress
Haunt me still in this place
On my soul resides a vile taint
Only one way to escape
Dispel all memories of my pain
The past is gone the present remains
I think that it was nice, and pretty. Not Unique, but very good.
However, some sentences struck me as really good! I didnt think they were clisheè ish, but perhaps I have never heard something like it before.
Dispel all memories of my pain The past is gone the present remains
This one for example. Only that its poetic, I have thought that very thought so many times. That one must leave the bad things behind and move on! Perhaps not the way you ment it, but that is how you made me feel. Your stanzas sort of give different messages. The two first seem so hopeless, like you are giving up, and then the last onehad those two sentences that seemed, if not optimistic, then at least like you would fight a bit. So I thought to myself, does she say that she will fight on, or to let her selv disappear with her pain? Hmm... Maybe I am interpriting it wrong..?
u put some thought into this.. & the things going on inside.. being lost&trapped.. its very depressing because ive been there before. just the feeling of emptiness is worse than dying. i hope u make it out. u mentioned being only one way to escape. i hope u choose writing, listening to music..etc. but as u wrote,the memories are haunting.yes they are.sometimes i wonder how i ever made it out.keep writing.
There's nothing wrong with this, you have the story well told, with the emotion there.
The eproblem is it's easily forgettable, as it doesn't stand out as powerful and worth reading again. A bit clichéd, and similar to thousands of others. If you're happy with that, it's fine, but if you want to write an excellent poem, you have to say the same things but in a totally different way to everybody else, so it's yours, it's unique, and it's rememberable.
Uhmmm, it siounds like you are really drepressed in this poem. I sense alot of fear, saddness, confusion, and darkness in your soul. This was a personal and emtional write to me. It had all the makings of "why I am I here" feelings throughout it. Nicely written. Very deep and heartbreaking.
nice write, very nice write. This is really emotional, and I loved it, I'm sure a lot of people have related to this at one point or another... I know I have.
Nice writing i liked it, it was on topic the whole way through and was put in a great way to indulge the whole thing. I have nothing bad to say about it and nothing to really to relate this to about you but nice writing.
Submission Name: Lost in Pain
