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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If this is the last one pickeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FallenGrace
    ASL Info:    29 already?/m/ga
    Elite Ratio:    5.67 - 360/375/90
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 222
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1564



    Description:
       With thanks to Awkward for his suggestions, and to Pastor Martin Niemöller for his words.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf this is the last one pickeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    If this is the last one picked, monkey business corporate cronies surrogate phonies taking monies to their homes.

    "First they came for the Jews"

    If this is the last one picked, fire breathing good lord teaching fraudulent feelings stealing souls from their stones.

    "and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew."

    If this is the last one picked, future rescinds past promises free expression quick remission in your bones.

    "Then they came for the Communists"

    If this is the last one picked, packing bags heading southwards burning fags fucking mouths for innocent holes.

    "and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist"

    If this is the last one picked, straining masses human traffic deserts pacing peacefully warring tones.

    "Then they came for the trade unionists"

    If this is the last one picked, martyrs slick with blood pockets bone sockets slip hip décor growths.

    "and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist"

    If this is the last one picked, death mining and explosive timing blowing caustic fire new world slow melting snow.

    "Then they came for me"

    If this is the last one picked, loved land returning senders repulsive pretenders gripping raping community rose.

    "and there was no one left to speak out for me..."





    Submitted on 2006-01-27 12:11:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I was so disappointed by some of the feedback you got on this one, why the hell must ppl understand everything?? the wording was hella good and I liked how it wasn't the same words describing the same emotions that ppl use in every other poem and your examples were so good too, and the end wow, it takes a fairly mature person to admit that they didn't care to such a great extent before because they weren't affected directly, I'm not sure exactly what to say tho, becuz were you calling yourself selfish? or were you pointing out someone elses' selfish nature and how if everyone were that way, then we would all be f.ucking screwed? either way, it's early lol I migt have missed a lot, I'll be sure to check out more of yours...,
    peace
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Like everyone else mentioned, I did not get any clue as to what the "last one picked" was. I get what you're doing with the descriptions, but the way you have them here is really just confusing.

    "death mining and explosive timing blowing caustic fire new world slow melting snow." that was my favorite line out of the entire poem.
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
      What is "this"? I was brought in here because of the title, and I've read the entire thing about a dozen times and I still don't know what the title means. Impressively enraging.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I read your whole poem at least twice and I still do not know to what "If this were the last one picked" refers to. It is not sufficient that you know. A poem should not be a cryptic crossword puzzle. The rest of the lines talking about the evils of the world are clear enough and I admire your experiementation with verse form. This is not the usual banal trivia - this is an interesting poem both in its subject matter and its poetics. Forgive me being patronising (I am of an age to be so), but I feel you show real promise as a poet and I would love to see more of your work.
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      ahh, way too much use of 'if this is the last one picked', i know it was the title of the poem, but its used way too much. someone might think that you only said it so many times so you could have a lengthy poem...just tellin ya. now, for the actual poem itself, im not sure what the direction was that you were going in, it had alot about death and only one thing about love...its like, 'where's this going?'. now, im not sure that saying 'packing bags heading southwards burning fags [censored] mouths for innocent holes', has anything to do with picking the last of anything, im sorry if im missing the message, but this really doesn't make any sense to me. if anything, it just really confused me. you should revise this and put something more like

    if this reason is the last one picked, then my heart will beat with pain for the my loss

    im just giving some ideas. mainly, saying 'if this is the last one picked' and then saying what you say after each time you say it, makes no sense cause i, the reader, have no idea whats going on. but its all up to you in the end. well, this poem was ok.


    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Fallen, read this one and thought I'd leave something. I particularly liked the words in quotation, which were the central message of the piece, I assume.
    As far as the more poetic language goes, I liked "If this is the last one picked, future rescinds past promises free expression quick remission in your bones." And "If this is the last one picked, death mining and explosive timing blowing caustic fire new world slow melting snow."
    Which seem to provide a greater degree of direction for the central message, forming a critique of our current political environment here in the States. Hypocrisy is an ugly thing. The line I particularly disliked was: "If this is the last one picked, packing bags heading southwards burning fags [censored] mouths for innocent holes." Even though I can see the connection (as far as oppression goes), this line seems a little juvenile to me- or at least lacking in power, when compared to the other lines. But hey, that may just be me.
    Good work, whatever the case.
    -DD
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      grrrr
    i daresy all of the above will be 'the last one picked'. we mince along with our self satisfied heads so far up our hoops that there is little chance of us seeing any of it coming.
    no.
    i don't think we want to see it, despite the endless coverage of how bad we are for ourselves.
    no.
    we can see it coming but we are inured - a carapace of plenty and over exposure to distance learning sees to that. michael ignatieff (yes he who fancies himself as a born again pierre trudeau) wrote a book called virtual war - its central theme being the way in which this most basic of horrors has been dummed down and made into a mini series by the media at large, so that we simply don't get it...
    i like this poem because it grates and jars and spits and, despite its careful ordering, it reads in an anarchic way.
    it reads like it was written on the back of too much stella artois and an ingrowing hair...
    what i find somewhat poignant about this though is that it's not too hard to read between the lines and as a diary entry this becomes all the more relevant.
    your description was too much of a giveaway in my view; it did too much for me anyway. maybe you could incorporate some of it in this piece - or all of it - or whatever.
    take it easy mate.
    and give that aftershave a try!!
    later,
    k

    If this is the last one picked, monkey business corporate cronies surrogate phonies taking monies to their homes.

    First they came for the Jews

    If this is the last one picked, fire breathing good lord teaching fraudulent feelings stealing souls from their stones.

    and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.

    If this is the last one picked, future rescinds past promises free expression quick remission in your bones.

    Then they came for the Communists

    If this is the last one picked, packing bags heading southwards burning fags [censored] mouths for innocent holes.

    and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist

    If this is the last one picked, straining masses human traffic deserts pacing peacefully warring tones.

    Then they came for the trade unionists

    If this is the last one picked, martyrs slick with blood pockets bone sockets slip hip décor growths.

    and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist

    If this is the last one picked, death mining and explosive timing blowing caustic fire new world slow melting snow.

    Then they came for me

    If this is the last one picked, loved land returning senders repulsive pretenders gripping raping community rose.

    and there was no one left to speak out for me...


    | Posted on 2006-06-14 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      James, I really enjoyed this. Has it been published? Have you submitted it around? If not, you should. I read a bit of the feedback.
    You shouldn't. They don't need to understand every little piece. Christ, does anyone ask why the Mona Lisa has a smile? Does not knowing keep them from enjoying the art?

    I share your sentiments, and they bleed through the paper, or the screen or whatever.

    Nice,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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