Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: DESIREdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 577



    Description:
       I didn’t really do anything wrong… we both carried on when we shouldn’t have. It was always going to end in tears.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDESIREdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Moulded, played,
    used and abused.
    For not staying or straying
    I’m a victims muse.

    Lustfully clutching
    life’s caldron.
    Joker juggling seven sins
    morals thrown in seven bins.

    Hells exhilarating blaze
    ignites heavens haze
    and hells flames
    harmless, when heaven tamed.

    The fires burning
    life’s broths churning
    my stomachs yearning

    I feed the fire
    fuel my desires.
    Licking my shallow lips
    I deliver a deceitful, hollow kiss.




    Submitted on 2006-01-27 15:34:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lust. Is it really such a sin? That's a question that has been going through my mind a lot these days. If desire was a sin, then why do ALL humans with no acception feel it? And then God supposedly punishes us for it? Nope, there's a lost link in there.

    Back to the poem, I think the first stanza should be in italics. Strange suggestion, but because it has a different rhyme scheme and is an introduction, the suggestion's in place. You have missed out on the apostrophe of possession in stanzas three and four.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting lusty kinda poem. It is nicely descriptive and captures the "demons" of lust very well. A couple of suggestions for you here...I think this stanza would read and look better if you changed the words around a bit...

    Hells exhilarating blaze
    ignites heavens haze
    and hells flames
    harmless, when heaven tamed.

    I would suggest in the third line you should include harmless so that it reads better...

    and hells flames harmless
    when heaven tamed.

    And I have mixed feelings about the fourth stanza here. I like the descriptive quality but it disrupts the overall form of the poem. I think if you made it four lines and kept the rhyme consistent with the rest of the poem it would work better. But of course this is just my opinion. Overall a nicely written lusty, yet kinda sad, poem. Almost sounds regretful in a way. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm, yeah, I like that line about "a deceitful, hollow kiss". Like there is no meaning to it, no feeling behind it (that's sad really, a kiss that means nothing...) I also liked these two lines

    "Joker juggling seven sins
    morals thrown in seven bins."

    I'm guessing in your case, your sin would be lust? Just assuming... Anyway, this was interesting and makes me ask the question why is it so hard for us to let go of something we know isn't in our best interest? Good job. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      A hollow kiss....now that is a new idea. Um...makes me think of kissing pinnochio? It seems like the four-lined stanzas could have been made into just two lines and it would have worked and flowed a bit nicer. Maybe you just didn't revise it too much. That's okay too. Personally, I like to make my titles look nice by capitalizing things but, that's me.... anyways... keep writing. Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    89102

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    untitled written by Outlaw
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    In a Corner written by jeniecel

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry