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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love nestdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SHRINKSDR
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 476/375/39
    Words: 335
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1107
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2366



    Description:
       T
    I know it's long- so much more I wanted to write.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove nestdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Love Nest

    He springs from the car
    Not bothering to button his coat
    Stumbling, tripping in his haste.

    They had words
    And their stubborn pride
    Had Kept them apart.

    Then a call.
    The silence broken!

    He’s running now,
    Coat’s open against
    The frigid, frozen night.
    The torturous whistling winter wind blows
    Into his face.

    He feels none of this,
    Only the beating
    Of his racing heart.
    His jacket rises and falls
    Like two huge wings
    Carrying him to his beloved.

    Images of candles, their soft
    Fingers flickering on the ceiling,
    Norah Jones’ soft melodic voice
    Playing on the CD.
    Two goblets of loves’ nectar
    Reflect the joyous dancing of
    The fickle flames on that face,
    In those eyes.

    His finger bleeds.
    A bead of blood
    Seems a crimson tear,
    Of the red thorned rose
    Clutched tightly in his hand.
    He hardly notices.

    Finally,
    To her door.
    She’s standing there.
    Her lovely face before him
    Hands at her side,
    Like a soldier at attention.
    The glistening drops on her cheeks
    Mingles with his,
    As their lips meet,
    Their spirits flow together.

    They continue locked together
    In their urgent,
    passionate kissing,
    As they stumble through the door
    Into the soft muted,
    playful light of candles
    Which surround white sheets,
    Soft fluffy pillows.

    They fall together
    Swimming in each other.
    He looks into her eyes
    “How good to be together again!”
    Her eyes large and earnest,
    Look into his as She replies;
    "It’s wonderful!!"

    The goblet to their lips,
    They drink;
    To their joy,
    To their love and devotion,
    To their being together again
    In their special place,
    Insulated and comforted by
    The circled candles.
    Freeing them from;
    The wasted, worried, warring world.
    No fear can touch them now,
    While nestled in their
    Holy place, their sanctuary
    Their Love nest.




    Submitted on 2006-01-27 15:58:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's funny how one's own experiences can colour the way we read poetry; throughout the whole poem I fully expected the whole thing to be an illusion, and the love nest to dissipate. That there was a 'happy ending' genuinely surprised me! Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course :)

    I thought the way you didn't use regular rhythm was interesting- usually that tends to detract from a poem, but in a chronologically unfolding love ballet like this one I think it worked quite well.

    The one part I didn't think fitted all that well was the stanza from 'They fall together/Swimming in each other.' Although that part is ok, the direct speech you use after that (especially the use of exclamation marks) detracts from the passionate tone you've been trying to utilise throughout the rest of the poem. I'd suggest avoiding the direct quotes if at all possible.

    Otherwise I thought it was a sweet, genuine and well composed love poem. Good to see someone keeping up the faith :)

    Ciao.
    | Posted on 2008-07-05 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      this reads more like a story,, make me want to know why? and how? what did they fight about? why did she call him?
    and the love nest makes it seem like it's a secret.....
    | Posted on 2006-08-05 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont think i've commented this yet.
    this poem is quite romantic. and you have an amazing way with words. you turn words into pictures. amazing.
    i'm pretty much just praising you, so this comment isn't of much good, now is it?
    have a god day! and keep writing.
    Amy Leigh
    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice write, Steve

    I like the feel of urgency in this. He thought he had lost her and then the call...

    Now he's racing across town to make it right. The love he feels just screams through the piece.

    Well done


    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello Steve,

    ~opening~

    I feel the sense of urgency on the first read and the end how when two meet it is blissful and warm.

    st1: the rush is illustrated as I said in the opening, even to the length of stumbling and not bothering with buttoning the coat.

    st2: there is more here than what is written and it is shadowed by the want to see the person.

    [single line]
    the call, I would think is implied that it is a cell phone, now it may be a reflection back but I doubt it.

    st3: the sense of urgency is more apparent, here the character is braving the torturous wintry condition to make it to the desired destination. It would be nice to see the second line worked on a little, maybe a better metaphor. Other than that it is a great stanza.

    st4: he is absent-minded about the conditions, in my opinion, that says this: that the desired goal is of grave importance. Also the beating of his heart (which is what all he feels as opposed to the wintry conditions) that doubles in its meaning for me as a feeling emotionally and physically. I like the use of the jacket being his wings that is a fantastical way of saying that.

    st5: The character now is in a state of imagination and I do like how you have skillfully put “images” it something that I do have a tendency of doing myself, daydreaming future events that is. The entire stanza is beautifully painted with a romantic setting leading up to the eyes at the end of it. The “goblets of love’s nectar” gives me a feeling of prosperity in that love.

    st6: this is a special stanza for me because it has an allusion perhaps undesired but I shall tell you what I found anyway. there is a rose held in the hand. the rose being a symbolic gesture of love (of course) and it has cause a wound on the hand. That brings that out to a sentiment about love that there is pain to go with it, though in the context the character is in such a rush he hardly notices that either. This does have a profound effect; it seems the character is willing to suffer: the cold of the winter and the pain of the rose. They could very well be my favorite stanza just on its allusion.

    st7: Always on the other side of something of that magnitude I seem to have been tossed a little. It happens on most things I read when the impact of it hits me and the next stanza is not the same. Here I see the two meet something to which the character has gone through the pain and now is ready to be with his love. It is a teary reunion and passionate.

    st8: the romance is good in this stanza, the scene looks nice. Soft pillows, candles, and white sheets, it has all the expected elements.

    st9 I think stanza 9 should be combined with 10.

    st11: I like the goblet toast and the three “to” words are super it does fit well as a toast. The tenth line has a nice alliteration the “w” words. The outside world completely goes away as it is two together in their safe haven, the love nest.

    correction:

    Her eyes large and earnest,
    Look into his his as <<< there you have to fix, it doesn’t make sense to me.
    She replies; "It’s wonderful!


    ~closing~

    I like the urgency in the write and I really like the 6th stanza the best, though I think the roots of that are also in stanza 3 when the character was in the cold. Only one minor thing I have stumbled on that is the tenth stanza line two. oh yes, almost forgot, maybe something better in stanza 3 line 2, all in your hands of course. Other than that a magnificent write. As for the correction, I will be waiting for your reply on it. Excellent piece, take care Steve,


    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really beautiful
    To me this says when one cant seem to find the Light in Life create your own Light and it will lead you to the Light of the World
    Vey Beautiful
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      What a passion filled moment between this couple! Leaving to the imagination of the long drawn out anticipation waiting, longing, beads of sweat as hearts are beating rather fast from the excitement and than the coupling, finally.
    Imagination take me away!
    And I said this only happened in the movies.
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      i think you have a flair for words that always gets to me, it's like half jealousy, half admiration. The end was my favorite part. I can't say much else besides, wow.
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely penned, Steve! The glow of new love, sure of itself within the hearts of the young has been wonderfully caught and described for us in these lines.

    You have a knack of catching the emotions of ordinary people and sharing those feelings in an extraordinary way.

    Very touching,

    Thanks for sharing this moment with us!

    Take Care!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      *sigh*
    Is there anything more wonderfully enveloping as new love? Especially when you can look back and know that the person you held then is the person you hold now. I love that. Great write, dear Steve, you definitely have a fantastic flare for the passionate!
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the passion in this one! This one would've been a "I'll kick you in the butt if you don't marry her"! That is so amazing that someone can make you feel that way. It's the most wonderful feeling on the face of the planet! It's even better when that feeling remains years later. Very nice!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahh the courting years, and Nora working her magic for you both, all good things. It's nice to reflect on the good ole days. nicely told tale, it has a very cosy feel to it and I definately know that special place feeling. Maybe every couple has one .

    Not much to say I would have maybe gone for ruby instead of crimson, but that's me it just has a more romantic feel to it which would be more in line with the whole. Cheers Doc.

    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say, this is a wonderfully passionate poem. This wasnt long in length in my opinion, it was so vivid and descriptive that it held my attention with much interest throughout the write. You really did a great job capturing the love and the moment here with your words. I could see all that was happening and even made me recall a moment or two of my own! The newness of a relationship is just the best thing, it stirs such emotion, anticipation, and excitement that it just takes your breath away. This is very well written and expressed. So full of that wonderful feeling, the most powerful natural drug there is. Not only did I enjoy reading this one, but I could have kept on reading with much enjoyment had it had been longer. Just wonderful! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This took me back to when my bf and I lived in different cities. We would meet up halfway. And He would race to eachothers home and just melt into eachother. I remeber seeing the smile he would get seeing me. Much like what you descibed yourself to be. Now we live together, and he still rushes home to see me, when he comes home for lunch and at the end of the workday, with that same smile and joy to see me. this poem helped me appeciate more how good of a man I have. your poem was just perfect. Your descprition of being in love and wanting to see eachother so bad was accurate. The way you brought in vivid details made your memories more real to the reader and ones we could relate to. I loved the pace of this poem as well as the lenght. Bravo! I have a new fav!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeezuz Steve... you can't make this stuff up...you must have been "the other woman" lol

    seriously, you've written a pretty good story here, because it Draws the reader in and holds them there, with breath held, to see exactly what happens: happy ending? disaster?

    Very good, mate, pure love and lust all rolled into one rose-colored package

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, what a write. Very nice description and mood imaging. It had me "in the moment", feeling the heat, the passion, the urgency, as I slowly scrolled down each line.

    ..."Freeing them from
    The wasted worried warring world
    No fear can touch them now," < now, that's really getting "lost in each other".

    Just wonderful!
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Damnit Steve,
    I'm sure everyone can see right through this and knows it's me you are writing about...

    Excellent writing, as always your passion for that woman comes shining through in such eloquent and rythmic ways...what a flare you have for romantic writing...course what an inspiration you have with that beautiful woman

    Lisa
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, what can I say, this was great, i find it very hard to comment on personal poems but I found this one very intriguing where I couldn't stop reading. I love it:

    The goblet to their lips
    They drink
    To their joy,
    To their love and devotion,
    To their being together again
    In their special place

    This had to be my favourite part.

    Great Write

    Lynda
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, what can I say, this was great, i find it very hard to comment on personal poems but I found this one very intriguing where I couldn't stop reading. I love it:

    The goblet to their lips
    They drink
    To their joy,
    To their love and devotion,
    To their being together again
    In their special place

    This had to be my favourite part.

    Great Write

    Lynda
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Wholly Mole-eee Doc, that was facinating and God praise the woman that makes a man feel like this! And God praise God for making women that make us feel as this...no care but for her, such an unfathomable high.

    Cant really critique but only praise this one Steve.
    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      This was so romantic!!! I thot women only liked the fluffy pillows & candles...well God luv ya for appreciating those fine things! I loved the tension in this-well spun out. I loved the description of his coat lapels becoming like wings-very nice! I kept waiting to see if they were illicit lovers, but ah well-we will never know. The vivid descriptions really put me in this place with them.
    I also liked very much how the stanza about the blood drop acts as a fulcrum for the poem to go from outsideto inside; from almost there to THERE! It really stands out, as it should.
    Very cool!
    Cleo
    | Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]


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