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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Angels Raindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: simi
    ASL Info:    16/f/aust
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 14/21/7
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1163
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 934



    Description:
       This was written for a competition along with some other poems (i didn't win =[ lol) anyway.. personally i prefer the last verse, and i think there could be alot of improvement in my wording in this poem, although i do like the theme.... any critque would be appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAngels Raindots
    -------------------------------------------


    I felt a rain of blood, fall from the sky
    it had once again, brought chaos to the night
    it shall vanquish your life, to make it its own
    this angel of death, can never atone

    as swift as lightning, no sound was made
    let their bodies be cast to the merciless flames
    this angel of death with wings of black
    blood dripped face from its last attack

    angel of the shadow, who eclipses the light
    dark wings of the morbid angel, envelope the night
    malicious feat accomplished, the angel sings with grief
    blood, death and darkness, a life with no relief

    and i feel another rain of blood, fall down upon on me
    bodies burning forever, for all eternity
    and i feel another tear well up, another endless rain
    the walls of death close around me, finally i am slain


    Written by Simona. Sİ
    2005




    Submitted on 2006-01-27 17:21:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There were some things I really liked and some things that I think could be improved. First wit the good things, lol. I like ur second to last stanzas. The descriptions were really good here. I like these lines here

    "dark wings of the morbid angel, envelope the night
    malicious feat accomplished, the angel sings with grief"

    Right here the desriptions hit home and do a good job of describing the scene. I also like the way you used some of your verbs like vanquish, that sounds a lot better. What could be improved though is that most of the time when you compare things, they're kinda unoriginal. like quick as lightening and angel of death, if you found some other way to compare or describe it, it would have been better. and some of the words were overused like blood, if u used other words that kinda mean blood like crimson red or sticky liquid, u know stuff like that. and your poem seems kinda vague, like i dunno if the angel is good or bad, or whether he wants to do this. Not a bad poem but could be improved. hope that helps.
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say first of all that this is definetly going on my fav list. it was a killer poem. I cannot understand why anybody would disagree. it had a great flow and i understood what you were talking abou i dont know how Rokhal thought it was confusing. Beside the fact that it was a good poem i must also say that it was short and i long for it to continue. Three verses was not enough to get an emotion across that i think this poem could potentially get across to the reader. maybe an expansion or elaboration to this poem would make it super. But thats my opinion and if you dont like it dont use it. I dont care. but i would like you to look at my "Victim of Death" poem and see if it lives up the standards this one does.

    a fellow poet
    harmageddon
    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Harmageddon | [ Reply to This ]
      ok i think that you tried to make this as dark as you could , believe me when you read my advice i've done that quite a bit to, but i think you could rearange the wording to make it flow better and make the poem seem like it wasn't forced. ok heres what i think you could do better on:


    I felt a rain of blood, fall from the sky
    it had once again, brought chaos to the night
    it shall vanquish your life, to make it its own
    this angel of death, can never atone

    1st: take out "a" from the first line it drags it on slightly,and the same with the "," and "from" it runs much smoother that way
    2nd: i'd change the second line to "once again it brought chaos to the night"
    3rd:"vanquish your life, make it the night" idk i kinda like that. the last lines fine.

    "swift as lightning, no sound's to be heard
    let their bodies be cast to the merciless flames
    angel of death with wings of black
    blood dripped face from its last attack"
    just a little re editing.

    the entire 3rd stanza is great i wouldn't change a thing.

    "i feel another rain of blood, fall upon on me
    bodies burning forever, for all eternity
    i feel another tear well up, another endless rain
    the walls of death close around me, finally i am slain"
    again just a little re editing to do.

    thats just some changes i would have done but you don't have to use the editing i did just play around with the wording to make it smoother. i would realy like to see the final outcome of this great piece.

    brandon
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's really, really over the top. I can't tell if anything in particular is going on---Death harvesting the sinners? If so, the angel is not malicious, he is a servant at his task. If he is malicious, why does he sing with grief?
    Many of your commas are grammatically unnecessary. If you put them in to create a pause in the middle of your lines, that's fine, but I would have just broken the lines into tiny pieces; less sing-songy.
    These words are beneath your talent (overused):
    blood, rain, eternity, tear, angel, endless, forever, burning, morbid, death, darkness, chaos, vanquish, merciless. I'm not saying you shouldn't write about these things, just that it's not enough to just say the word and hope it inspires sadness or fear in the reader. It needs imagery, even if you put in only one powerful image.
    Crop and tone down your language. Rain, for example, always falls from above, unless it's splattering at your feet from the ground. Just say, I felt a rain of blood. If you can, cut out the "I felt," saying instead that your hair is drenched, or just that the rain fell.
    Get rid of the pretty wordy words, and focus on what you actually want to say before you say it. Try to think in pictures, and then describe specifically what you see.
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Rokhal | [ Reply to This ]


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