Gazing through a broken keyhole,
seeing false images of a hallow, comatrose soul.
Twisted stairway to our own personal hell;
or maybe it's YOUR heaven;it's too hard to tell.
Could we ever burn together as one?
still never forgetting all the things we haven't done.
Ashes and dust float evenly,invading your mind...
yet the solitude once needed is too easy to find.
Glancing to all the empty faces,
Headed to our made up,desolate places.
Revenge of a devil,to watch an angel fall,
creating sweet memories of the bloodlust he just saw.
Encouraging the weak to tremble on the ground.
Lustfull bloodshed covers the valley,
smiling corpses are all that's left to see.
Staring at a single bloodied shade of hue,
as I bid farewell to the thoughts it does ensue.
SO I walk to a path that often leads them astray,
Trying to find the time I did once betray,
seeing how the past is finally finished,
but holding on to all I had once wished.
yet seeing bones in twisted poses...
makes me long to bury bloodied roses.
To throw the motionless off our thrown,
allow them to greet such a precious gravestone.
As a collaboration of our demons,
rest among the shallow coffins,
The prophecy was since foresaid...
You inheiarated the labor of protecting the dead.
| if this is not the best write of your, it is one of the best pones.. wow.. jess .. you are doing great , .. it seems so impressive.. grerat wording .. i wish i could do it like you ,...and the structure . you know how to do it .. sweetie... take care and keep writing ... and you owe me one writing .. don forget it .. bye ... |
|| Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ] || Hey... its a start.................... a start of an amazing writer!!!! yahhhhhhhhh! anyway.. small things that could maybe help you out:|
1) try to seperate ur poems into pieces... like paragraphs
2) maybe a bit of grammar mistakes... I dont care but though... some people do...lol, anyway
3)last thing try to use a thesaurus maybe it would help... i dont know but some words didnt seem to flow, but anyway...
(U dont have to listen to me, but these are advice from other people I got)
okay anyway going back to ur work, its freaking good, and its amazing how u amaze me.... lol okay, so u really worked ur way out here, and its good, anyway id give it personally 8/10, (btw im too perfectionist so.....) you got a nice style, and nice subject there, anyway.. got more of ur poems to read so anyway... cya
|| Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Wolfeye_666 | [ Reply to This ] || Jess|
This is one heck of a write
I believe you were referring to Heaven and how when we die we become all family and Friends in a beautiful gathering of Love
That I think is what you meant by protecting the dead
Once again your words are so deep and well thought out for such a young person
You never cease to amaze me
|| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] || A very bewitching poem. it grabs you with it's words and take you on a mind trip. I loved how you blended in so many images. Your rhmying was off in some lines, but it didn't ruin the poem. I had the feeling of dreaming reading this. I liked it alot.|
|| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] || Hello Jess, well I figure one last comment before I kick off to bed.|
now one thing that always has me feel leery is that I do not know whether the usages in some of these various writes are symbolic, one writer in particular gets me almost every time with hers.
in line 1 here a broken keyhole does mean something to me here is it a gateway to seeing images. the meaning that I can extract is that the keyhole will not accept any key hence it being broken then perhaps the door or whatever it is attached to cannot be opened. Like I implied before I do not know if that is the intended meaning here but I will always at least try to give my meaning for it just in case. line 2 the images being hallow now normally I would think perhaps you mean hollow but hallow does also mean something in and of itself. hallow to make or regard something holy and hollow of course meaning empty. there might be a clever play on words here to try to give a purposeful double meaning. moving back a bit I am looking at the “false” in false images and I do think there might be an intentional word play here. However “comatrose” is wrong you might want “comatose” instead. The stairway is very good those often symbolize an ascendancy or descent into occult or divine depending on which way one goes. there are more meanings for it but that is my most common interpretation in its contextual usages I have seen here. Which is also your segue into the heaven and hell part of your write so that it excellent. line 5 alone gives me a mixed how cute and how horrible feeling, that is kind of rare. line 6 is a melancholy line for me as well as a gloomy one. line 7 needs a correction there need to be a space between the comma and the word “invading” line 8 “solitutde” needs to be “solitude” now stopping for a second… ashes to dust makes me think of death maybe that is invading the mind.
There is a little change here it is more a lonely feeling here with lines 7-10 the symbols seem to relax a little, as the language looks more plain. in the 10th line you have anther comma too close to a non-word which I am guessing “decolite” haha cute, is desolate. the mind does have those places we can retreat to. the devil watching the angel fall I do wonder if that angel represents a person and those memories of bloodlust I do not know perhaps it is personal or perhaps I missed that part. Line 13 is way more understandable and line 14 is a wonderful metaphor valley terrain but also valley could be a feeling/debasement. Smiling corpses is awfully eerie is gives a bad images and I don’t like smiling things. Lines 16 and 17 gory and cool, I like it and the way you have worded it too same goes for lines 18 and 19 the way it sounds when I read it is very good. Not the context of it we often walk paths that are deemed the paths that lead us astray. The betray part is a little mysterious that could be personal or might be something about morals perhaps even the self was betrayed. with the past gone but the holding of those things once dreamed keep hope alive and the spirit moving onward. Seeing bones n twisted poses this is a very interesting line and might take a little more than usual diving into. why see bones? Bones are decayed and skeletons are often described as things in the past people try to hide perhaps the is a twisted view on oneself given past experiences. ok now the next line, line 23 you have two corrections needed one is “lon” you might have wanted “long” and “burry” should “bury” to bury bloodied roses maybe a twisted way of dealing with the feelings of love. On line 24 this might be an even deeper dimension the motionless on a throne perhaps the undeserving should be cast down, I am not sure, perhaps you can illuminate me on that one. Allowing them to greet a gravestone perhaps this is being comfortable with death. lines 26-27 here another mystery demons that rest among shallow coffins perhaps a deep illustration for those who do not rest inside the grave but are like the walking dead. There is more than one meaning for death, dead to morals/spiritually dead and death of the body. Maybe those who live in darkness, death but awakening to everlasting contempt, there could be a few meanings. the ending is great the inheriting the labor of protecting the dead it does give some of the previous lines better light, no pun intended
this write seems to be jam packed with symbols in its imagery and I think it is an excellent job. though there are a lot of things that need to be brushed up. I hardly get writes these small that have so much in them. Wonderful write Jess take care,
|| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ] || Oooh. Stragely lovely. Gives me the feeling of someone wanting to be closer to another. But the other person carries a burden or responsibility. I thought it was good. Weird put intriguing. |
|| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Saint | [ Reply to This ] || This is one of your best by far. I like the picture, too. It went really well with the poem for some strange reason, lol. Um...I can't really find a whole lot to say here, all I know is that it's one of your better writes and we both know it, lol. I love the last two lines, they tied the entire poem together and made it end perfectly and simply. They're my favorite two lines out of this awesome piece of writing...it's really hard to pick a favorite, though...keep on writing and hang in there.||| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ] |