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    dots Submission Name: Hedots

    Author: Imadjinn
    ASL Info:    17/M/Neverwhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 340/348/146
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 757
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 314

       For all you who love. Tell them. They might be gone soon.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    A gust of wind blew, as if to chase after the bus.
    And he remembered...
    The look of a boy, listening to the final words of a girl.
    Boundless pride in his eyes.
    The look... of one who loved.
    And he knew....
    The messenger who left white flowers.
    And let a girl dream.

    Submitted on 2006-01-27 22:20:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      D@mn, that hit me hard. my girlfriend couldn't take all the [censored] her parents were putting her through, so she slit her wrists. down and across. a bloody cross. Damn, what i would give to tell her one last time that i love her

    f***... it hurts, but keep it comming. The only way to ease the pain is to take all you can and make yourself go numb...
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by diamonds_2_dust | [ Reply to This ]
      Too short didn't understand how that tied into him or her dying. But it had a nice flow.
    P.S.: What's up with the bus and a great gust of wind?
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Pabapfc | [ Reply to This ]
      The overuse of ellipses was a bit distracting. If the poem was spaced differently in stanzas, it would help ease the reading.

    "And he remembered...
    The look of a boy, listening to the final words of a girl."

    I would go with:

    He remembered the
    look of a boy, listening
    to the final words
    of a girl.

    I did not understand the simile about the bus. It's a detail that does not tie in at the end of the poem. You wrote about a messenger leaving white flowers, so maybe a metaphor or simile relating to messengers instead of a bus would be more effective.
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by pianomaps | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this. I could paint a picture just with the little bit of description you gave. I can't find anything wrong with it. I like the way attention is drawn to the girl at the end, it makes it seem more contemplative(I don't think that's the word I'm looking for). Great job!
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      I know it's not meant to focus on the girl, but the final two lines draw attention away from the boy who loved her, and I know that's wrong.

    I'm probably bothering you with all my commenting, aren't I?
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by racconeyes | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so sad and nostaligic. Did you have a death in your life of someone close to you? This was a beautiful poem, the flow was great!

    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]

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