silent suicide by Poetic

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: silent suicide dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Poetic
ASL Info:	21/Female/Texas
Elite Ratio:	7.94 - 78/39/19
Words:	222

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	237
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1423

Description:

silent suicide dots

-------------------------------------------

Here I am infront of you,
doing what i want to do.
Trying not to catch you're eye.
Dying more and more inside,
wating by the phone each night.
Failing hard to be alive.
All alone with no light.
Wish you wern't on my mind.
Dry you're eyes, everytime you cry,
I die a little more inside.
This pains to real,
and I think it's time for my silent little suicide.
Maybe I should try the eternal sunshine
of a brand new spotless mind.
Everything that begins
will soon grow old and die.
I know I do this every time,
we bolth know it's not right.
I live my days in agony,
but I know I gotta Breath.
In every place a memory,
I wish I could forget these things.
Suffocate eternally,
it's for you my heart still bleeds.
Dry you're eyes, everytime you cry,
I die a little more inside.
this pains to real
and I think it's time for my silent little suicide.
Maybe I should try the eternal sunshine
of a brand new spotless mind.
Everything that begins will soon grow old and die.
Two single grains in the sands of time.
I'm addicted, you're like some drug,
so sweet that it rots my teeth.
Everything that begins will soon grow old and die.

Submitted on 2006-01-28 00:50:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  wow i loved the emotion of this piece, so much pain...
great work the only thing i can say really is Why do u call it my silent little suicide? I think the word little doesn't really need to be there it would sound better in my opinion if u just left it ..."silent suicide".Great write though i liked it very much because i can relate with the emotions and the pain here

Well holla back

-SorrowsPename
| Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by Kasper187 | [ Reply to This ]
  "Failing hard to be alive." is my favorite line. the idea is great, and conveyed wonderfully. somehow, when you read it you feel alone, and the emotion behind the words just seep through. the emotion/feeling that you are trying to describe/write is in its simplist form: deep. which is why the use of repetition here goes great..i would say break it up in stanza, to help your reader see the flow, but if it came across to you as one thought, stay true. the theme is extremely close to one of my poems called "Perfection" you should read it. Good write/read here.

Until we write again,
~ink~
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by inkonspikuous | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it.I wanted to know if I could borrow this if I give you credit?Nice ideas and nice flow.Easy to read but a deep picture that you can feel the emotion.Keep it up.Peace
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by nosferotu_gurl | [ Reply to This ]
  L1 - 'infront' = 'in front'
L3 - 'you're' = 'your'
L8 - 'wern't' = 'weren't'
L9 - too many syllables, maybe change 'everytime' to 'when'
L11 - 'pains' = 'pain's'
L12 - split it into two lines, like 'and I think it's time/for my silent little suicide', and use that to end the stanza
L13 - 'Maybe I should try the eternal sunshine' should be split up into 'Maybe I should try the eternal/sunshine of a brand new, spotless mind'
L15&19 - 'Everything that begins will soon grow old and die' split it up again, like 'Everything that begins/will soon grow old and die'
L16 - split it up, like 'Two single grains/in the sand of time'
L18 - take out 'that', it's too many syllables

These are just suggestions that I think will help the piece. Try to use more original imagery. Don't use sands of time, because that has been used a million times. There are other images that can represent feeling lost or miniscule, like two waves in the ocean or two shells on a beach. It has potential, just keep working on it. Read ravenously, that always helps.
-HaldirLives
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.