Description: These are three poems that I stupidly put on Poetry.com I can now see that they would be better received here so for your entertainment ladies and gentlemen...
BTW the last line on Life is her on Poetry.com which is actually a typo!
The world around you
check it out
The things that amaze you
Think about it
How it all happens
Think about it
How things seem beautiful
how things change around her
how you'd do any thing for her
Your life the way you want to
Your way & no one elses
We take it for granted
Until we wake up
and its no longer there
we have good times
and some bad
but thats what its all about
I know I'll miss it when its gone
so all I can say is that
my best momories are here
-Moonlight On The Water-
As I sit staring out the window
time passes by
before my very eyes
I see boats come & boats go
I see people come
And people go
but the best lookinhg thing I've ever come
to see is the way the moonlight hits the
The way It moves but yet stays still
The way I can't take my eyes off it
That is one of the best things I have ever
except of course
Yeah, Poetry.com is quite the scam. I put stuff there a while ago. Nothing good ever came of it. All they did was send me a bunch of crap that they apparently send to everybody. I sure didn't feel special.
Anyway... on to my commenting.
I like the first two a lot, but I don't know how well I can relate to them. I'm kind of negative... but then again, even though I think I hate life most of the time, I know I really don't. Just because I dislike something doesn't mean I'm gonna "peace out" (lol as some would say). I like the line, "my best memories are here." Thats so pretty.
I think the "Moonlight On The Water" one was my favorite. Is it weird that it made me feel alone and sad? If I wasn't so overmedicated, I would have cried. The imagery is wonderful.
I love the way you word things. ...I guess thats why I'm a fan
All three are extremely visual and sensual, some very powerful items here.
There are points which cascade into cliché, but not overtly. I think the art of poetry is description in your own original voice. Sure, something is beautiful, but how would you describe it? How is it beautiful to you?
Check your spelling, I think I caught one or two in there somewhere. That's good advice for even myself to follow.
Are you personally fond of ampersands? (&) If not, I'd lose them.
a lot of thoughts put into this submission i guess because i three pieces. my favorite would have to be the last, simply because i agree. the moonlight hitting the water is beautiful. when i see this happen an amazing feeling overwhelms me and i become entranced in the way it moves with the ripples. its as if it creates a fairy tale while dancing across the water...a very beatiful scene indeed. and then you end it with "except of course her", cool. overall the three are good.
I liked Moonlight On The Water, because I leave near the ocean. And I have seen the that particular sight, maybe not at Midnight. I think the other two were nice, but not captivating. It was more like a saying, than a poem to me. I think if there was some rhmying in a few of these poems, or more feelings it could be brilliant. Right now they are good, but I sense they could be better. The last one read like a poem the others did not to me. I hope I don't seem mean, I am only trying to help. Overall, nice job.
Check it out: I like the way you pieced it. Usually a structure like that would bug me, but it seems to work here. And something I also noticed is that if you take out the one word lines and just use them as breaks to make seperate stanzas, it the poem would still be there, and still make sense, but also it seems to be a bit more powerful, without the repetition, that is.
Life: I don't like this one as much, it doens't seem to have the same presense. Expand on it and give it a little more depth.
Moonlight on the Water: The stucture near the end started to bug me on this one. You started to break the lines in weird places which got distracting. But all in all, it was a good piece.
Poetry.com Yeah, I remember that place. God what a joke! So question, how come you didn't set these up as different posts???
I liked the "Moonlight on the Water" one... It was really good. I liked the endings to them. I loved the "Life" one because I could relate to that one alot. You have a real talent for writing. Keep going. -Miss
have to agree with Toxic_Rayne the last one was actually the best one I liked the way you described the moonlight on the water moving and yet standing still,keep up the poems Luke, I'm sorry the other poetry place didn't see any worth in your write,you won't fine any snobs here I don't believe will I haven't an I've only been here like a few months anyway take care keep writing adnil
These were really good, I especially liked the last one, you caught me off guard with the end, it took me by complete surprise, which is why I liked it so much. These were great writes. Keep them coming.