A very captivating write that fervently captured an incredible scene. Its amazing how inspired we get from just acknowledging the presence of life that surrounds us...I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. You vividly painted an intricate scene for us...Very descriptive piece as well...THANK YOU FOR SHARING...Nobantu
Daniel has it mostly right, so take his ideas to heart.
I thought the message that you got across was cute and the imagery that was provided was quite delightful. Additionally, I caught a tinge of alliteration particularly concerning stanza 4 which I really enjoyed. For instance:
The "passing picture" The "sweet sojourn" And "the song it sings"
I do think you should seriously consider the possibility of reducing the penultimate line and make the last longer, meaning adding more syllables to it, so as to put the emphasis right at the end, if that is what’s actually pursued.
This one has potential but I find the mechanics of the piece a little strained. The rhythm is inconsistent and in a lot of cases you place too many stressed syllables near the endrhyme which has the affect of making the rhyme obtrusive...it's like trying to hide a grape beside 3 bright oranges.
A quick look...
My dreams used to wander into this world beneath the starlit sky, But now it wanders there no more to elsewhere, it has gone by.
dreams/it "it" should be "they"
For now, like the starlight’s shimmer so beautiful, fair and true; Now my dreams have took a turn and now my reverie is you.
"took" should be "taken"
Some problems with grammar in these last two stanzas
Overall, I think if you smooth out the rhythms and make them consistent from stanza to stanza you'll reach your audience more successfully.