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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Starlightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zhi wei
    ASL Info:    17, Male, Malaysia.
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 171/203/53
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 975



    Description:
       like the starlight, I can only watch from a distance.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStarlightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My dreams used to wander
    into a world beneath a starlit sky,
    amongst the closing curtains
    of the sunlight’s dying sigh.

    For the mending of my mask
    dawns with the breaking of the day;
    As the stage is set with acted tasks
    and the poor morn’s but a play.

    Yet at the utter sign of shadow
    the play paints into my portrait
    A strange light amid the darkness
    the glimmer which I await.

    Thus in the night I shall indulge
    in this passing picture of beauty
    A sweet sojourn in the angel’s arms,
    in the song it sings for me.

    My dreams used to wander
    into this world beneath the starlit sky,
    But now it wanders there no more
    to elsewhere, it has gone by.

    For now, like the starlight’s shimmer
    so beautiful, fair and true;
    Now my dreams have took a turn
    and now my reverie is you.




    Submitted on 2006-01-29 02:58:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A very captivating write that fervently captured an incredible scene. Its amazing how inspired we get from just acknowledging the presence of life that surrounds us...I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. You vividly painted an intricate scene for us...Very descriptive piece as well...THANK YOU FOR SHARING...Nobantu
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
      Daniel has it mostly right, so take his ideas to heart.

    I thought the message that you got across was cute and the imagery that was provided was quite delightful. Additionally, I caught a tinge of alliteration particularly concerning stanza 4 which I really enjoyed. For instance:

    The "passing picture"
    The "sweet sojourn"
    And "the song it sings"

    I do think you should seriously consider the possibility of reducing the penultimate line and make the last longer, meaning adding more syllables to it, so as to put the emphasis right at the end, if that is what’s actually pursued.

    Nice piece,

    Later,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      This one has potential but I find the mechanics of the piece a little strained. The rhythm is inconsistent and in a lot of cases you place too many stressed syllables near the endrhyme which has the affect of making the rhyme obtrusive...it's like trying to hide a grape beside 3 bright oranges.

    A quick look...

    My dreams used to wander
    into this world beneath the starlit sky,
    But now it wanders there no more
    to elsewhere, it has gone by.

    dreams/it "it" should be "they"

    For now, like the starlight’s shimmer
    so beautiful, fair and true;
    Now my dreams have took a turn
    and now my reverie is you.

    "took" should be "taken"

    Some problems with grammar in these last two stanzas

    Overall, I think if you smooth out the rhythms and make them consistent from stanza to stanza you'll reach your audience more successfully.

    Use or lose

    DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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