Kill Mike -------------------------------------------
Hold the door, watch what you say
She is your better half
that now has gone away
What happens without her
will anything matter
or will I just cry
No more hopes, dreams
or reasons to be alive
there is nothing
that could ever hurt worse
Well, buddy, here's a topic many people will be able to relate to from personal experience. It IS raw on the page and the shape of a dagger is cool. It's all kinda cliché and hinges upon it but then again it's true, too. What can you say differently that personalizes your awareness of this kind of pain, and of the woman herself? Because I think this poem would be better served if you injected something new into it. Post-modernism has seen a billion of these poems, and the dagger image goes back further than Romeo and Juliet (oh happy dagger!) So keep the dagger, I say, and ramp up what you're saying to break the mould.
That's about all I can think of right now. Thanks for listening.
Hey man...What can I say that hasn't already been said? It's a sad piece..To be so short, it has so much heartfelt emotion. Writing always helps me so hopefully it will help you, too. Stay strong, man.
Hey mike. I haven't checked out any poems lately or read any but stumbled across yours. It is quite sad especially after knowing what your going through right now. I know how it is to lose someone I've known for a long time. It really hurts but I know your strong and you'll make it through. When it comes down to this stuff your a lot stronger than I am so I know you will make it through soon. Hope all is well and take care. You know where to find me if you need to talk to someone. Adios
I can't imagine being Us for so long, then so suddenly going to Me. This is so heart breaking. The ugly, stark reality of life full force in the face. But like Chell, I saw the other side. How this loss leaves all involved floundering for what to do next. Amazing write, Traci
this is so sad, especially in knowing what youre going thru right now... i think this is more of an emotional sharing than wanting suggestions...i just wanted to tell you that i really like how you have put we and us on separate lines as me...it makes the emotional loneliness more visible... anyway, again, sorry to hear about your mom and prayers are still with you
hey...this was a sweet write. you captured all the emotions of your current situation in so few words, and that's a lot of emotion. this was nicely done though, because it was not overdone, but at the same time not under done as the words in this poem seem as if they were carefully chosen and with each one the reader can feel a sharper pain. writing is a way to breathe...and your writes are always a breath of fresh air! take care...
This is good because it's short but has stacks of emotion in it. Yes, sadness. I feel you've ruined the effect you could have made by the last line, though. I mean starting with "Us never Me" then ending with "Me no longer Us" is truly beautiful. And I know the despair and the emotions pile up to give that last line, but I think the poem would be better without it.
Try not to find a better way to portray emotions e.g. 'or will I just cry'. Cry is a very common way of showing loss, sadness, blah blah.
'hopes, dreams' these words are kind of used a lot. 'hopes' what about desires, longings or something like that.
Originality would also be a great help. Writing poems that have the same meanings and ideas as any other poems won't get you noticed. It'll just be rulled off as another shattered love poem. so yeah...
Ohhhh! This is indeed very sad. It is never easy when a relationship that you really care about dissolves. It is very hard to accept and deal with. I have been there and it really sucks. But there is always a bright side to all that happens in life and even though you cant see it at the time, it is still there. It took me some time to see it, but once I did, I realized it was for the best and moved on. Sorry to hear this is happening in your life. I hope you remain strong and try to find the brighter side. Take care of yourself.
Hmmm... an interesting write. Took me awhile to grasp of the poem relation to the title, sometimes I am a bit slow.
I like the way this was structured, very unique. You were able to capture much emotion in the very short write, I felt that was due to your very appropriate word choice.
This piece conveys a sad situation when a couple becomes seperated and there is that bitter after taste that lingers.
Oh and about your comment I felt I should tell you that I have edited it however but not on this site. I use this site as a medium for editing and revision and tightening up and such. It is very rare that I return to something and on the spot edit it, I don't read for crowds but rather for my own satisfaction or pleasure, it is only in a contest that I will write to please the host and put in a little extra effort. Also I would be surprised if you have read somethings similar to what I have there because like I said it was inspired by something I had read elsewhere but for one reason or another I just cannot remember where, if anything I'll probably delete for good measure before I'm crucified.
Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and thanks again on the comment and God bless.