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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: left behinddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: insphered soul
    ASL Info:    19/M/ Hmmm?
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 450/382/94
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 1215
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 808



    Description:
       this poem is about how i sometimes feel about my friends.......they seem to be passing me so much and just changing so much and yet I've seen no change in myself.....its scary. and Im afraid that one day i'll be left behind.....i really dont want that to happen.

    read and review......all criticism greatly appreciated.


    ~Zach~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsleft behinddots
    -------------------------------------------


    flying with the pack
    I soar joyfully
    rolling through the air:
    I screech my happiness

    somewhere nearby
    a loud noise echoes about
    the pack scatters
    a sharp pain hits my wing

    falling through the air
    no one cares to save me
    plummeting to the ground
    fear engulfs my mind

    BAM!!

    I've hit the ground
    searing pain ensues
    uncontrollable twitching
    strange beast near me

    looking up to the sky
    the flock keeps moving
    leaving me behind
    why don't they come back?

    confusion surrounds like fog
    strange thoughts creep around:
    why would they leave me?
    I thought we were family?






    Submitted on 2006-01-29 11:06:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      that was so interesting

    and you just called me and i forgiot what else i was gonna say

    but i love the way its written

    you're just a regular lyrical genius

    lol

    but seriously

    that was an interesting idea, to write from the POV of a bird

    but you're a fish o_0 *confusion*

    heheh, love ya lobster head ;)

    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      I have never read a poem from the point of view of a bird before.
    Due to that little fact, I have no comparisson to base any critique on. I think it was easy to pick out the fact that you were shot by a hunter, more so because I am a hunter. The strange beasts are easily explained when you think of the bird's point of view, because how would a duck know a dog? lol. Not bad, odd but enjoyable, as was the last peice by you that I read.
    ~Rob~
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
      This wasn't a bad poem at all. I do think that you should change the word "pack" however. It doesn't sound very good and detracts from the piece while I'm reading it. The metaphor used was fantastic and I see that I'm not alone in feeling that way, so great job there!

    I completely understand your feelings in what you're saying in this poem. Just remember, you should depend on no one but yourself. If you get "left behind" they weren't such fantastic people to begin with. Speaking from experience, the true friends you have will eventually come back and then it's up to you what you do from there. The situation was a little different from yours for the fact that I was moving ahead with my life and everyone else was lolly gagging behind, but eventually they caught up and things were definately different, but we're still friends. The only reason to do anything different from what you are doing now, is because you feel you need to.

    Sorry for the lecture here, but I've been in these shoes and it sucks, but it's something that can be changed if you want it to. Changes will come when you're ready-trust me! This was a nice write and I hope that you continue. Good luck with everything!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      A simple poem in a simple style and yet it tackles something meaty and does a nice job of conveying or being "in the moment." I also like that you used a dramatic scene, some imagery from the point of view of a bird, rather than just going after it and telling us how you feel as a person (or worse, how we feel). You took a step back, and for something like this that kind of narrative lends itself to a sympathetic union of reader and poet.

    Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great expression of your fear.I am really impressed the way you have pictured your feelings.This is really unique and a master piece.I must congratulate you on your great creation.Keep it up my friend .You have really done a great job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Ramneet | [ Reply to This ]
      hey- seems to me like your hold on poetry is comming back! i liked this! i can totally realate but i'm not supposta say that; comment guidelines, you know; but i can. one question/comment, in stanza 4, line 4, what do you mean "strange beasts near me" do you mean that you are left with new people? or something else? i would suggest that you either elaborate on this or take it out but thats just me.

    i will have to disagree with the other people on this page when they say that they feel that they haven't changed. everyone changes. maybe your changes aren't as great as your friends' but you have changed i can almost guarentee it. i'm not saying that it doesn't suck to have your friends all be different cause i know it does but hey what can you do?
    SASHA LYNN
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty cool. I like the metaphor as well, the "flock" of clouds was nice. As for the poem, I think it would be improved if you stuck to stricter metre, although that doesn't really have that much effect because it's free verse. I say you should use capitol letters. The "i"s should be capitolised at least.

    Don't worry, it's nothing, btw. We've all been through similar situations and allow me to reject dear Seele's view towards it. You shouldn't hope they all die, that's rather melodramatic, lol.

    Even today, and I'm nearly turning sixteen, a lot of the people I used to know I see have grown and changed quite a lot. But I'm still the same person. I even wrote a poem about it, but it comes down to a more positive conclusion. It's "Never Grown" if you care to check it out.

    Take care,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      VERY GOOD! I think your metaphor was flawless and unique. Kind of like not knowing that you should have zigged instead of zagged but everyone else did...they just didnt tell you.

    The only thing I would think about changing is pack to flock...but other than that, its a solid write. Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate to this poem a lot. My friends keep moving away to different schools to the point where I have only one good friend left. Everyone else in my class...well lets just say I HOPE THEY ALL DIE.

    The language and description in this poem is very simple. 'engulfs ' is a good word. Haven't heard that for a long time.

    'white hot', hummm...this is kinda used a little to often in stories, poem and stuff. Maybe you should try to find a better way to put it.

    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this alot, it had fresh inages for me and the odd sense of being cut out from others when calamity strikes...the bewilderment of being left behind, more important than the pain of the injuries...this works on several levels, and can be taken as a bird being shot, a person beset by problems or even deeper as an alluding to spiritual questioning when some issue separates a person from otherso f their own faITH WHEN A THORNY ISSUER IS FACED...WELL Done. koster
    | Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      THis poem was really NICE, in a twisted confusion way. I know how that feels some time. Especially since im in high school. I loved this write so much.

    Bravo

    ERica
    | Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by DrkRomeo_sGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      given your description I have formed two translations (my views) here one more literal and one metaphoric.

    st1: Well I looked and I looked far and wide through animals plurals and I couldn’t for the life of me find anything that flies in a pack, maybe it is a pack of wolves with wings. even if flying here is meant to leap far there still is a mention of “wing” in the second stanza verse four, also there is screeching. It is a small detail, now there is always a chance for figurative language like a metaphor or slang, so I suppose that possibility could be open. the first stanza is a feel good one as there is the joy of flying and a sense of freedom in the air. (()) now in metaphor here the state of being is higher mood is pleasant as one is with friends while being above things/situations.

    st2: Right away you can get a sense the bird perhaps even a duck was grazed or hit by a bullet or pellets. the other birds scatter and the one who is hit has a wounded wing. (())metaphor: out of nowhere but one cannot tell where it comes from, (A) problem(s) in life happens, it comes on very unexpectedly the one hit by the situation was not prepared.
    The people around seem to leave the situation. The "wing(s)" can stand for the things that uplift the person to a higher state/happier mood. correction: “scatteres” change to “scatters”

    st3: Here the bird has taken the shot and is now falling toward the earth. (()) Metaphor: the descent seems rather swift as certain problems or the problem that happens the feeling of no one cares as the person has to deal with it on their own. There is fear of the worst and doesn’t seem to be any way out of it.

    st4: The hit and the pain as the wounded animal lay there why the flock continues on and there is something coming toward it. (()) Metaphor: the damage is severe from what ever happened and there is fear perhaps of the unknown as the beast is never really given a face other than a beast.

    st5: The bird in pain can only look up to see the rest of the flock move on. (()) Metaphor: looking up to where the person once was the higher state a time when there was once happiness or where its spirits were lifted, no can only feel sadness, it grips as the friends are abandoning. Correction: “dont” turn into “don’t”

    st6: The bird is in mortal danger, the eyes most likely are glazing over by the blood loss and death is imminent. (()) Metaphor: in the aftermath there is confusion by what to do or what just happen, perhaps what did happen was something that blindsided the individual. There issue of the problem does not seem as big or hurt as much as the ones who have left. The last two lines are depressing and reflective on the nature of their friendship. When the person needed them there were not there, a lot of wounds and bitterness can come out of those situations.

    There are a couple of corrections; this is how I saw it perhaps other wont. Take or leave whatever you like.

    Excellent piece Zach,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]


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