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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lamentation & Naivety 112dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 653
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1694



    Description:
       Here are two poems - "Lamentation" and "Naivety 112" (due for a title overhaul). The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLamentation & Naivety 112dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lamentation

    I talk with the crows
    And a horse voice croaks
    The name of her lover,
    Whose body fed foxes under the oaks.

    But I assure
    "A shadow waits nearby,
    Beyond the reach of foxes,
    For your black heart's reply."

    So The Shadow watches
    While the Black Heart beats.
    And the clutch is warmed above,
    By maternal heat.

    But from below I know
    What neither sees and none can say.
    Dripping from the nest
    Quicksilver drains blackness grey.


    Naivety 112

    Beside a field of stone,
    The son of a farmer's son made wood.
    With body mind and soul of steel,
    His father rarely spoke a word --
    Save for the necessity.

    On a chill September afternoon,
    The father was more talkative than usual.
    He leaned upon his ax,
    Turned to the field of stone,
    And pointed toward the near side.

    "Once when a boy, I was after cattle with Blue."
    Spoke lips that only rarely spoke,
    "Once I saw one. You never forget the eyes."
    And the ax was raised again.

    Now the son eased down his ax and asked,
    "What happened to them?"
    The father, not missing a beat of his work, replied
    "They were all shot.

    And nothing's the same anymore."






    Submitted on 2006-01-29 23:11:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Line 2 of Lamentation: Hoarse, perhaps?

    So.... neither of these really makes sense to me. The second one would probably leave a deeper impression if I could sort it out, but "Once when a boy, I was after cattle with Blue." just leaves me baffled.

    Yeah, now I really don't know, as I just went away for a few hours and came back, and now I think the first one is the stronger piece. Sorry I'm not being more helpful on these---

    The title "Naivety 112" is just awesome, though.
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      Both poems have a haunting melody to them, they come across with a soft stoic voice that employs a farm lexicon that is more than charming it also creates a mood of abstraction or parable by making use of words and images not often used these days. One example is your use of clutch. More over, the imagery is of a rural flavour deep in the farm country. I

    n the first poem, I hardly feel the existence of roads and modernity and yet there is a nice tension as it does speak of the human experience of grief so that in a sense the setting separates the experience of the emotion and the interplay from time itself making it a universal description of the experience. I think you have captured the longing for someone lost in a simplified and condensed form. The fact that you deposit the action in a crow gives it a haunting element to it, a rather supernatural flavour. By evoking shadows as a representation of the afterlife, it takes on a spooky quality, as if to defy physics by casting a shadow when no object is there. I would have to say that I like lamentation better than naivety 112. I feel like the trauma is more clear in Lamentation than in naivety 112. I imagine it is something like what Clarice describes in ¨The Silence of the Lambs¨.

    I also feel that the title of lamentation is very good. Where as naivety 112 is wanting. How about - Over Yonder or Come Upon or Revelation. Concerning Lamentation - if you really want to change the title how about- A Crows Sorrow - Or The Weeping Crow.

    Anyhow, Nice writing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      Naivety 112 made a deeper impression.


    i think it made a deeper impression because i could grasp the image of the poem easier. Lamentation was more abstract and i had to struggle to get its ideas, ideas that i am not entirely sure i got. Naivety was simpler though. it was concrete and easier for me to grasp. The quick words from the father carry a lot of meaning, especially with the matter of fact tone i ascribed to him. The setting was clear and the idea was simple. That's why it made a deeper impression. i could reflect more on Naivety and appreciate more than the words. Lamentation required more, and its impact wasn't immediate.



    i hope i gave you what you were looking for. If i received a comment like this, i'm not sure i'd find it too useful, but i tried.

    Naivety 112 made the deeper impression.


    That's the best way to say it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by luckypenny | [ Reply to This ]


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