Description: some free-verse stuff I wrote. I don't write like this too often. comments and views appreciated.
as you draw your breath
from the world
that has only spun
deprived of that knowledge
that could have
that should have
set you free.
as you hold your breath
putting away all the pressure
pulling in all the pain;
just like the smooth gesture
across the uneven texture
of your wrist
of warm blood
and a strange sense of
freedom of the soul.
as you trap your thoughts
succesfully with the pain;
yet one single line remains
singing in your head
a sick depressing melody
a sudden point
of how lacking in beauty all this is
and that you are only
To be honest, I think beautiful suicide poems scare me. This one REALLY scared me, which is I guess, another way of saying it's really good.
This is an interesting take on the suicide poem. It's really a commentary on the genre, as much as anything else. Still, in the act of commenting on all of those works that glamorize taking your own life, you've almost created one of those works yourself. Of course, in the end, our victim realizes that there's no beauty here and that s/he's only dying.
The scary part abot suicide poems is that something as ugly and wrong as suicide can be made to sound beautiful in the first place. The fact that the end of everything can be stretched into a lovely release is terrifying. Suicide isn't a pretty thing, a good thing, even a possible solution to most of us. The fact that it seems a viable alternative to so many people speaks volumes about their messed up families, their bad luck, their problems...
You have a rare poetic ability and a huge talent. You can make even the worst end seem beautiful. I look forward to seeing what you can do with subjects that are beautiful in themselves.
I loved the poem and the comment you're making. I'm uncomfortable as hell with the emotions behind the entire genre.
i must say out of all mutilation, suicide poems ive read i say this is the best. i usually dont take time to sit down and comment because i thinks a cowardly thing to do, but yours add beat to it. i like how it flows and becomes a song in my head...a depressing song with a little of rap beat to it. it kinda stinks when one realizes the pain and hurt they are causing themselves and it happens when they are just about to die, talk about seeing light. this is not bad at all.
this poem is so awesome, it reminds me of the ones that i have wrote that are just like it, when reading this i got an overall feeling of saddness, it is a very dark piece but truthfull all the same how many people out there do what you only write about? anyway, there are certain lines or stanzas in this poem that I just love like
"and you deprived of that knowledge that could have that should have set you free." I like this set of lines becuase of how very truthful they are and becuase it reminds me of a little problem that i'm having and almost done with. and another set would be
"Slowly, as you hold your breath putting away all the pressure pulling in all the pain;" I know that these lines are when the person in the poem would be cutting their wrist but for me after reading through it again i got just pulling the pain inside, because that is what i really seem to do and it is no good, the other set of lines that i really liked are
"a sick depressing melody a sudden point of realisation of how lacking in beauty all this is and that you are only
dying." I just really like the ending of that stanza because of how crushing it really is, if you think about it you don't have to do something phyical to cause yourself to be dieing it just be a slow painful death where you die on the inside first, that is what i really got out of that. this is an awesome poem and i believe that i was add it to my favorites.
I found the poem depressing, maybe that's because I feel a little depressed anyway. The poem is brilliant from the first verse and it gets better and better...it conjured up an image of a person so alone and troubled, that I wanted to walk over to them and hold them. This poem is very powerful; You have emotion, technique, insight, feeling, thought...so many feelings within a short poem. Absolutely magic.
It's sad that those who commit suicide only realise what a mistake they're making once it's too late. I think the style was fine, although in the second section, I felt you wanted to change it into rhyme. Good thing you didn't. In line six, I think you mean "you're".