Description: I feel too tired to write these days. This kind of came to my brain at a moment of daydream. I figure not too many folks frequent my page anymore. Sorry I've been neglecting you. Thanks for checking me out.
AN IDEA -------------------------------------------
Cradled in the crook of an orange bough bending,
undulations in air
and caution ignored.
Teetering rock-a-bye sung by the sparrows
upward are green leaves
and infinity-sky.
Turn not to down where the boogey man looms
since falling and breaking
seems daring at best.
The test is in the tree where I’ll birth an idea
and leave it to grasp
or to die.
This is a beautifully expressed poem... however, I think there's two parts in this which could do with a subtle rewording/substitution perhaps: 'upward are green leaves' and 'turn not to down' - these two parts have rather awkward syntax - I don't know whether this is your own personal style but it doesn't ring right and I think better substitutions could be found.
But apart from those two little nitpicks I found this most enjoyable to read... the three line stanzas look visually appealing and it's concise and packed with imagery. I also like the tone of this piece... almost innocent and childlike... and grasping for inspiration can almost feel like that... the birth of an idea or gut instinct to scribble it all down onto paper before the moment is lost... I've been there many a time... and to link it with nature metaphors makes sense to me... for I think I garner a lot of inspiration from my natural surroundings too.
Sorry to blab lol... I enjoyed reading this and I tend to go on and on when I do. Peace, Jase
hey there stranger! i like the daring in this, describing an idea the way you do.. throwing caution to the wind, the idea a branch on the tree, something to grasp or let die.. very interesting and unique. i miss reading you and will be back for more!
I enjoyed this Mary. It is was soft and thoughtful and written with lovely language. I only have one suggestion. The line
Turn not to down where the boogey man looms
drew me up short. I had to read it at least 3 times before it made sense to me. I would suggest a teeny change - "turn not down to where..." Simply moving the word 'to' over one word.
This is good food for thought. You've got some wise words in there. "Turn not to down here the boogey man looms since falling and reaking seems daring at best.". I wish more people understood that. In the second verse, I believe it should be "rock-a-by". Then again, I just remembered there's more than one spelling. Dismiss that point.
This seems an interesting take on the old bedtime rhyme.
Rockabye baby in the treetops When the wind blows, the cradle will rock When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall And down will come baby cradle and all (I always thought that rhyme was scary as h#$* to little ones. Who wants to crash in their sleep?)
You've written an interesting take on the old theme. It's not your human baby in the tree; it's your newborn idea, a new concept or new thought. It might be a popular idea and rise to infinite blue or it could be ill recieved and crash toward that boogey man. In the end it will be out of your hands; it will be idea that rocks or crashes.
as i read this i become a little confused, i guess i dont really understand this. maybe im looking too far and the answer is there, but i must admit i cant help but to like it.
okay im going to break this down the best i can. this is all about an idea born from a tree branch...going up means endless possiblities of what it may become and down is where it ceases to be.
The test is in the tree where I’ll birth an idea and leave it to grasp or to die.
as i read the last part i cant help but feel this is left for the readers to do. you have an idea hanging by a branch and its up to the viewers to decide whether to hold or forget. but then again it could be about the writer to hang to the idea or let it slip. anyways thats my take on it. overall nicely done
Submission Name: AN IDEA
Cyrus