Description: just a poem about being outsider tell me what do you think, I dont like the ending any idea how to make it better?
Tale of a rose -------------------------------------------
Where mountains touch the sky
Stands a garden of various flowers
Matchless tulip, mysterious orchid and beautiful roses so shy
A breeze spreads their spell and their thrust is satisfied by rain showers
Sunlight makes them glow even more
The bright rays tickle their silky skin
With this golden touch they feel more secure
Gentleness comes from within
In the moon flame they dance rebelliously
Enjoying the diamond shine
In one corner of the garden cries a rose cloudlessly
Dropping tears which taste like wine
She is just like others but still contrasting
Same colour same feature
Still lonely living
One difference lays in her nature
Being amongst but not belonging to this dreamland
Wanting to share the brilliance that adorns
Can’t be a part of the pure sand
Where shall she go with heart full of thorns?
Nothing constructive to add about this piece, all I can say is that I've commented on only a couple of poems in the past year, but this one I really, really enjoyed.
You have a gift for turning words into beautiful pictures.
I am agree with Kelley Frost, this one shows loneliness i really like the way you rhymed the stanza, i still need to learn much from you. I like this part most
"She is just like others but still contrasting Same colour same feature Still lonely living One difference lays in her nature"
I love this poem! Its like being alone with no one in sight. Great write! I have a poem called Queen of the night . If you get a chance come and read it and tell me what you think. Kelley Frost
Maybe if you take the last sentence out and keep the last line of the 5th stanza as your ending. I loved this piece. They way you wrote it was amazing to me. Your title made me think you were going to talk about a general rose. But you went into such details it really interested me. I am adding this as a favorite. Lovely.
nice imagenary but i think it needs to work.. for the end.. i think you should take out the last line .. and .. maybe add another paragraph maybe saying .. wut you hope ... or what you need to make things better.. nice job... ! peace and love! and check out my stuff please! take care Victor!
Hmmm...I think if you took that last sentence out and just let it end with the fifth stanza it would be better. Or add more to the ending. It reads so well and tells such a pretty tale with the images you have given. Nice job and thanks for sharing!
This is very pretty writing. Occasionally your grammar is a little odd, is English your second language? The one bit that really stands out is the second line of the last stanza, so I would suggest "Wanting to share the brilliance that adorns". Also in the first stanza, you don't need to say "wind breeze", one word implies the other.
On the whole, though, I like what you're saying here. It is hard looking in, never quite feeling like you've got a right to be part of the action. I guess you just have to make your own garden.
Submission Name: Tale of a rose
