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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Surface Tensiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 951
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 500



    Description:
       I suppose this is dedicated to those who prefer their writes a mile wide and an inch deep.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSurface Tensiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    For those who
    fear poetry as puzzle,
    and abhor a fine
    mystery fleshed
    in prose;
    with demands
    the memory seem
    sleek as paper,
    on which are
    scribbled
    handfuls of air:
    I offer you nothing.

    No shallow encumbrance,
    no bright minutae
    to trouble the mind;
    just heaps of slim
    symbols, plain
    as a primer:
    braille for
    the bright eyes
    of those
    truly blind.




    Submitted on 2006-01-30 19:24:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The eternal battle between quantity and quality, effort and talent. The question remains if just like dogs are stuck at woofing, some people get stuck in mutual ways and won't contemplate higher realities no matter how hard they try. It's certainly a lot easier to write poetry for the masses than amusing a random odd intellectual. Of course there's also the other side of the coin where almost everyone chokes on a random odd poet's "brilliance". It's oftenly hard to distinquish between the two, and contemplate a higher reality while at it.

    I felt your annoyance here, and yes, I prefer rambling on about my own random thoughts above properly commenting a poem, which just gives me a headache.

    Here's something a poet on elite once wrote:

    "I write in poetic language.
    I write of poetic subjects.
    I express my poetic feelings.

    And you write poetry."
    -Torie
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      The words were written very skillfully and it drags the reader into your poem with merciless pull. The analogy at the end was awesome...it reminded me of a band called Radiohead...awesome band...do you know them????

    I like writing long poems, but ocasionally I"ll write a short one. I just don't like doing this part one, part two stuff unless it's meant to be a series. To me, short poems can sometimes turn the reader off and leave them saying "and...?"

    But this was very good. I liked it alot. Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very well crafted piece. I usually line up on the side of those that prefer simple communication to complex riddles. Fortunately for me, though you claim to offer nothing to those who read quickly, you've written an easily understood piece that comes through clearly on the first read.

    To me, the best line is the end of the first stanza. You build through a long complex sentence and then, with a sigh, "I offer you nothing". You follow with an elaboration, almost a definition of "nothing". Symbols on a page, all of the meaning lost.

    Good work,
    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      "with demands
    the memory seem"
    Something is missing here and I'm not sure what... if it's spelling or a word... but it is missing. I think it's just an 's' at the end of seem. Am I right or wrong?
    Sorry to take the technical approach here, but you can only have so many people saying the same thing to you before it just becomes silence... or worse... meaningless.
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      first of all i have to tell you i love your way with words and the flow you have in everyone of your works.

    despite the way your peices always seem to carry me away, i did manage to find one thing to comment on that isn't just praise.

    i got a little lost right in the middle where you say: "with demands
    the memory seem"
    i loved the parts on either side of this but this part just felt a little out of place. good, but out of place. i don't know if i would add to this or just drop it altogether, or maybe move it a little *shrug*
    other than that i loved it!
    esp the ending
    "braille for
    the bright eyes
    of those
    truly blind."
    beautiful and totally right on!

    ~TT
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by TT | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesome poem! It's crazy- it's like you altered the style to fit the audience that you bemoan in your poem. It's terse, it's short, like a fifteen-second commercial spot that dazzles the senses. My favorite line:
    "sleek as paper,
    on which are
    scribbled
    handfuls of air"
    What an image! Overall great poem!
    kristen
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so skilful. I know so many people who prefer to read shallow prose to poetry. Me, personally, I'd much rather have something that took me 5 minutes to read and a day to think about, then something I shut after reading for a day and forgot I'd ever laid hands on it five minutes later.
    This poem isn't so deep as many of your others, but I think it's a good reply to people who do have that mentality, (my boyfriend would be one of them). There are two sections that really stood out for me, which isnít to say that the rest wasnít inspired:

    a fine
    mystery fleshed
    in prose;
    with demands
    the memory seem
    sleek as paper,

    Doesnít that sum it up? Some people simply donít chose to think enough into poetry or try to remember what the images mean, they donít want to analyse the mystery and there more scared off by the idea that it's supposedly philosophical and therefore unrelated to life. Since when had philosophy not been the bedrock of life? I love it. And the last lines:

    braille for
    the bright eyes
    of those
    truly blind.

    I donít think thereís anything I need to add to that one.

    Peace, love and empathy,
    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the brevity of this poem. All the words rolled off my tongue with fantastic ease.

    For those who
    fear poetry as puzzle,
    and abhor a fine
    mystery fleshed
    in prose;
    with demands
    the memory seem
    sleek as paper,
    on which are
    scribbled
    handfuls of air:
    I offer you nothing.

    I especially liked the first stanza better ( I think it could even stand as a poem on its own ) When you described about people who fear poetry and prose, it almost seemed never to end, and then bang! "I offer you nothing." I dont know why I couldn't help but feel inferior. Lots of attitude and power in this poem. Holds the readers at attention. This is the shiz! Good luck and looking forward to more.‹
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by shatila | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful! Direct and to the point. Who needs words when we have symbols. I can't begin to read the E-notations of this modern day. As to length of poems, whatever it takes to make the point, relate the story, create the image, and that's it. You've done it here, why can't we all? So this must be good poetry. Congratulations!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I find myself reading and rereading this and the words seem more defined with each reading. Hopefully that means I'm not too shallow a reader like those whose memory seems

    sleek as paper,
    on which are
    scribbled
    handfuls of air:

    the nothingness of that is stark and made even harsher by the 'I offer you nothing'. I studied literature and I have always been fascinated by the different levels of meaning. Frequently, however, I have been asked why study literature it justs spoils a good story - poem. That seems sadly impoverished to me. 'Slim symbols' for those who can't take the time to read.

    plain
    as a primer:
    braille for
    the bright eyes
    of those
    truly blind.

    Great poem
    love and peace
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      this is excellent.

    I have to admit, i got a little bit lost in the second half of the first stanza...but the second stanza was amazing and the ending...was superb.

    the final reference to the braile at the end there was a better ending and thought than i could come up with if given a year.

    one thing i've always wondered...is how/why you decide your layout? all your poems seem to feed us a few words at a time...is this to slow the reader down and encourage thought...or is there another reason?

    well done on this.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it. Short form with sharp turns.

    I especially like the phrase "just heaps of slim symbols". It suits you...and your writing. The internal rhyme and slant rhyme used in most of your poems..is either a grand accident, or the work of a master tactitian...who thinks of letters as symbols.

    You are a guy who troubles himself with every single line break, comma, and apostrophe. The only way to truly master such shorter pieces.

    Its narrow streams you find at the bottom of vast canyons.

    be well,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      slam dunk buddy!

    I laughed out loud and felt compelled to take the time to spell that out for you. My mind went to the shallowness of immediate gratification. The boring place where stimulus is
    indeed ignored by us and we begin to sleep, drones in the eight day week.

    I've got to fave this, I wrote a similar one (I know I've said
    that before to you). the blind will speak to the height of pretentiousness if given the chance. I'm so glad you're around to carve these out for us.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      rws

    sometimes so little words can say more than a story. i like how you ended your piece with

    braille for
    the bright eyes
    of those
    truly blind

    i dont think there is a deeper meaning to this, i think that your words are exactly how there suppose to mean, no double meanings...do you get what im saying? i dont know, maybe im wrong, maybe there is more to than what is said in here. but i like it...you have nothing to offer to those who dont like to take time to figure out or read a piece. so for those you talk of you give them something simple to understand, nothing hard to figure out. calling them blind i guess...just talking here. anyways i cant help but like this piece and like i said i dont think there is any deeper meaning, but i may be wrong. nice write.

    jo
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Little_Woman | [ Reply to This ]
      Bill,

    Crackerjack second stanza dude! I've reread it a few times and i dunno, there must be some hidden symmetry in there, a combination of the beats of the syllables, the alliteration and line length that could be the mathematical equivalent of pi or i or e or some other natural universal constant.

    Only a small suggestion to make - break off the last line of the first stanza and space it on its own - just for dramatic effect.

    And like Alia said, google some radiohead lyrics. Or better yet, i'll journal some for you. Take care.

    Scot
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
      Alia picked up on the possible typo area. As already mentioned you have great rhythm. I like the first stanza best. Although the left right combo offered in the second stanza was well worded it was also somewhat telegraphed and so was a little disappointing...unless I missed the point and just skated along the sleek surface? I thought your title was superb. DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe it works that I can't seem to keep focused enough to write much that's very long. ;)

    As usual, well crafted with good rhythm.

    -Frank

    ps: I know there's a deeper meaning here - I've just got to think harder! *snicker*
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
      braille for
    the bright eyes
    of those
    truly blind.
    ^ That is a great line, one of those that in my opinion you should put on a post it and hide somewhere so you can find it later and re use it. I like what your saying with the poem, pointing out what writers tend to do toward length, and i feel that your writing is just very good.
    but man, that part i pointed out, is so good and can almost stand on its own. its ilke, you could go into something completely different, almost better with it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by sayyesspaceship | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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