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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ardent Dispossessiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 224
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1058
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1459



    Description:
       Finished piece, corny, but, let me know what you think. [REVISED] (Formerly "Nameless")


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArdent Dispossessiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Staring at the wall
    filled with hate,
    and in withdrawal
    from the world and all I've known.
    My life has become monotone:

    One emotion,
    One expression,
    One devotion,
    One obsession;

    Sunless skies cast down on me,
    I walk the path but I can't see
    through these eyes full of shame,
    tinder heart set in flame.
    Pink lung turn grey,
    silver edge slash vein,
    flesh muscle down to bone.
    The stinging ache I call my own.

    With my eyes I try to say
    all the things I hide away,
    I want so bad for you to hear
    the silent screams when you are near.
    But you're deaf to it all:
    My fear-filled cry
    My desperate call

    Out to the night and all the stars,
    I wipe the blood and hide the scars.
    From the glance you fix on me,
    you think I'm weak and I agree
    with all you've said
    and all you've done,
    I load the bullets in the gun,

    When I'm gone, don't you cry;
    know I couldn't wait to die.
    To have freedom and liberty,
    from all this hate and enmity.

    And when the soft snow hits the ground,
    in the icy air I'll hang around.
    When you need me most you'll feel a chill,
    and I'll be right there, I swear I will.




    Submitted on 2006-01-30 23:02:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this was great man keep up the good work i loved reading it...not much more than i can say than that GOOD JOB!!!
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I swear to you every single write I read of yours I like more then the last one, this was [censored] brilliant! I loved all of it, I couldn't name just one favorite line if I tried, I"m almost speechless this was perfect, wow you just said in one write some of things I've never been able to say in my whole f.ucking life. I"m so impressed, your emotion was incredible here, and I do like darker writes so this was write in my favorite spectrum!. your imagry the whole way through was intense and kept up, the end was an almost gentler touch but it still seemed a bit bitter which fits the mood and I really like it cuz I love when I can relate to things on more then one level. So basiccally I see nothing at all that I think needs changed in this write. keep writing, and I'll be sure to keep reading!
    peace'
    jess
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG this was amazing. extremely powerfull and very emotional. the imagery in the peice was fantastic. i really am not sur what to say. honestly i think that this is a well written peice and i have no suggestions to revise it or anything. wait i think it said you already did that though lol. in some ways i can relate to parts of the peice which add that person to person touch to it which is always good to have or atleast so ive been told. great stuff though. ill be sure to keep checkin around...Joy
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      First, that was a great write, i dont know why you were so insulting of your own work, because i loved it. as for all the people on here rewritting ur poetry, tell them to get a life. go write your own poems people. yes, criticizing poetry is fun, and there are times when you can suggest a different line, but to rewrite an ENTIRE POEM? thats destroying a piece of art...
    Anyways, sorry for the ramble...
    I loved how this peice so beautifully described your emotions. it was one of those writes where everyone who reads it experiences what you felt while writing it. its a unique write in that it has so many different types of rhymes and rhythms within the stanzas, and i like how you broke it apart... kudos on making it easy for the reader to follow.
    as for the darkness of the poem, ya, its dark, but its a beautiful portrayal of something dark and "ugly". In a sense, you could say it shed some light on the true nature of the dark. Great write, i hope you keep on writing so i got some more to read!!!!
    keep it up
    Jenn aka Evey
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by CutMeDeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      I have never seen a gorgeous flow like yours masked by a poem that is so dark. So if I've had a stereotype about beautiful content and flow being commonly seen together, my preconceptions have been blown. Gladly, I am impressed by the moving content and rhyme juxtaposed with a burnished message.

    Details, the intensity is full focus and never lets up. And no, I'm not a fan of poems like these but this shows great talent. Congratulations!

    Thanks for sharing,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn! This was good. I was just like wow through this poem. Your flow and wording was spot on. I loved the iamger for this as well. I was shocked that something so dark could still be...full of life. This was same damn good writing. This is a fav. I am a fan now of your work.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, the way you ended it just left me breathless for a second or two, 'cuz I guess I've felt the same way towards someone, that is being for her even when I'm gone. Even though your style is VERY unorthodox to me, I couldn't help but like the poem.
    Cheers,
    Saaber
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Saaber | [ Reply to This ]
      One emotion,
    One expression,
    One devotion,
    One obsession;

    I love how that verse just melts together.
    All of the rhyming is melted all in place.

    I think I have fallen a little more for you today.
    Omg, freakin love this poem so much.

    Here's my favorite part:

    "Staring at the wall
    filled with hate,
    and in withdrawal
    from the world and all I've known.
    My life has become monotone:

    One emotion,
    One expression,
    One devotion,
    One obsession;

    Sunless skies cast down on me,
    I walk the path but I can't see
    through these eyes full of shame,
    tinder heart set in flame.
    Pink lung turn grey,
    silver edge slash vein,
    flesh muscle down to bone.
    The stinging ache I call my own.

    With my eyes I try to say
    all the things I hide away,
    I want so bad for you to hear
    the silent screams when you are near.
    But you're deaf to it all:
    My fear-filled cry
    My desperate call

    Out to the night and all the stars,
    I wipe the blood and hide the scars.
    From the glance you fix on me,
    you think I'm weak and I agree
    with all you've said
    and all you've done,
    I load the bullets in the gun,

    When I'm gone, don't you cry!
    Know I couldn't wait to die
    to have freedom and liberty,
    from all this hate and enmity.

    And when the soft snow hits the ground,
    in the icy air I'll hang around.
    When you need me most you'll feel a chill,
    and I'll be right there, I swear I will."

    That's right, all of it.

    ---
    Carry
    ---
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by herownadversary | [ Reply to This ]
      I start with withdrawl it lacks an a: withdrawal.
    And emnity shd be enmity.

    2nd name it. You cannot go calling all your poems nameless and number them. (I saw nameless 2 on ur page.) Give it a heart.

    You rhyme seemed a bit forced to me. It is like you are turning around that only. It seemed that you were so intent on rhyming that you did not notice that you fell into clichés you could have avoided.

    The way you start is capturing. But then u fall into the typical teen rant, boo no one understands me. Welcome to the world. No one will understand you. Yeah tough, but it is a fact. But it is up to u to turn into something different.

    I would have liked u to elaborate more on ur feelings, on what drives u to take ur life away. If it is just cos no one understands u, well we could all be dead now.

    With all you've said,
    And all you've done,
    I load the bullets in the gun,

    It seems like in need of transition. Words then gun. You can always apparent the words to bullets, weave out a whole image, maybe a death by words not an actual one.

    Your rhythm is practically flawless, it runs smoothly till the end.
    I suggest you change the format though it is harmful to the rhythm being this chopped.

    For example u could make the 1st 5 lines one stanza.
    I will also point out some change to the punctuation. I also removed some capitalization. Changes are between the brackets.

    Staring at the wall[]
    [filled] with hate,
    [and] in withdrawal[]
    [from] the world and all I've known[.]
    My life has become monotone:

    One emotion,
    One expression,
    One devotion,
    One obsession;

    Sunless skies cast down on me,
    I walk the path but I can't see[]
    [through] these eyes full of shame,
    [tinder] heart set in flame[.]
    Pink lung turn grey,
    [silver] edge slash vein,
    [flesh] muscle down to bone[.]
    The stinging ache I call my own.

    With my eyes I try to say[]
    [all] the things I hide away,
    [I] want so bad for you to hear[]
    [the] silent screams when you are near[.]
    But you're deaf to it all[:]
    My fear-filled cry[]
    My desperate call[...]

    Out to the night[][are] all the stars,
    I wipe the blood[][and] hide the scars[.]
    From the glance you fix on me,
    [you] think I'm weak and I agree[]
    [with] all you've said[]
    [and] all you've done,
    I load the bullets in the gun,

    When I'm gone, [don't] you cry{!]
    Know I couldn't wait to die[]
    [to] have freedom and liberty,
    [from] all this hate and enmity.

    And when the soft snow hits the ground,
    [in] the icy air I'll hang around[.]
    When you need me most you'll feel a chill,
    [and] I'll be right there[,] I swear I will.


    You have the seed for some pretty good images, like the last stanza, you need to elaborate them though.

    Out to the night,
    And all the stars,
    I wipe the blood,
    And hide the scars,

    This did not really make sense to me so I tried to fix as I can.

    All these are just suggestions, that u might not take. I hope they would be of help though.

    Take care
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      "Corny?" no no. I love it.
    The words and descriptions are all so perfect.
    I have quite a few favorite parts, but to keep me from copying and pasting the whole thing, I'll only point out a few

    "Pink lung turn grey,
    Silver edge slash vein,
    Flesh muscle down to bone,
    The stinging ache I call my own."

    The imagery there is amazing. Very graphic descriptions. It's awesome.

    "And when the soft snow hits the ground,
    In the icy air I'll hang around,
    When you need me most you'll feel a chill,
    And I'll be right there I swear I will."

    Thats lovely too. It kind of reminds me of the song, "Wherever You Will GO" by umm.. The Calling. I'm not exactly sure why though. Its probably just because Ive been listening to it so much lately.
    What can I say? lol I'm a fan.

    Anyways, I really enjoyed that.

    Wonderfully done, dear

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a little dark for my taste but I appreciated the moments where your rhythm moved the poem along very nicely...in places it seemed to come very naturally which is a nice quality to have in your writing. I realise you are going to edit etc but one thing I found was that the format made it hard to get into...4 lines stanzas as per the end would work well.

    DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed reading this poem, it's very vivid and I could imagine everything as it happened. To me I interpret this poem as a person crying out for help but no ones there. That they're at the end of their rope and they can't take the pain any longer. We all go through that in life, I can definitely relate. But it's a great poem and I think you're a terrific writer! Keep up the great work! :)

    ~Cris
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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