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a saccharine rush

Author: russiangopher
ASL Info:    18/f/ca
Elite Ratio:    5.07 - 10 /8 /4
Words: 117
Class/Type: Misc /
Total Views: 823
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 814


So I cleaned this up a little bit since there were some weird formatting errors when I copy/pasted it. Still the formatting... egh. Tips on how to better express breaks and pauses would be appreciated. Thanks for having a look and I'll return the favor for any comments.

a saccharine rush

A saccharine rush and
a glass of oil, or water, or
Paint drifting like continents
on the surface of unknowable turmoil
And the ice...
it pops;
and cracks like my reason.
rewind, slow mo,
A mind unhinged and blowing wild,
Flags of conquered countries torn by wind,
unconsciousness streaming in through the eardrums
I think of rising up;
my balance fails,
the spiral of a wounded bird,
photos burning behind my eyes,
forced truth overshadowing my perceptions.
I sit back; rest my whirling head against the window,
and let the pen


Into the garden of the page,
and leave my consciousness,
like a lost key,
shining in the shrubbery

Submitted on 2006-01-31 03:00:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Great imagery. The best change that could happen to this piece would be in its formatting. You use a rather postmodern flourish in "it pops&#8230;" yet you also capitalize every starting line and even use very prim punctuation (semicolons!).

The "it pops" line works great... it's a perfect manifestation of the chaotic imagery. But it's terribly incongruous with the start-of-every-line capitalization. And not in an interesting, contrasty way. It's just very strange. I'd mix up the capitalization a bit-- or at least not capitalize until after the end of a sentence, marked by a period.


A mind unhinged and blowing wild,
Flags of conquered countries torn by wind,
Unconsciousness streaming in through the eardrums

^So h0tt.
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by mara | [ Reply to This ]
  You successfully describe a state of confusion with which I can completely relate for I felt that way more than once. On the other hand, I'd like to see this write lined up in better. That'd be my only suggestion since I kinda have the feeling you don't really want to hear much.

I did enjoy the imagery that was provided ... I thought it was very effective and moving in a certain way.

Take care,

| Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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