a saccharine rush
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Description:
So I cleaned this up a little bit since there were some weird formatting errors when I copy/pasted it. Still the formatting... egh. Tips on how to better express breaks and pauses would be appreciated. Thanks for having a look and I'll return the favor for any comments.
a saccharine rush
A saccharine rush and a glass of oil, or water, or Paint drifting like continents on the surface of unknowable turmoil And the ice... it pops; and cracks like my reason. rewind, slow mo, A mind unhinged and blowing wild, Flags of conquered countries torn by wind, unconsciousness streaming in through the eardrums I think of rising up; my balance fails, the spiral of a wounded bird, photos burning behind my eyes, forced truth overshadowing my perceptions. I sit back; rest my whirling head against the window, and let the pen fall. Into the garden of the page, and leave my consciousness, like a lost key, shining in the shrubbery |
Submitted on 2006-01-31 03:00:29 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments
| Great imagery. The best change that could happen to this piece would be in its formatting. You use a rather postmodern flourish in "it pops…" yet you also capitalize every starting line and even use very prim punctuation (semicolons!). The "it pops" line works great... it's a perfect manifestation of the chaotic imagery. But it's terribly incongruous with the start-of-every-line capitalization. And not in an interesting, contrasty way. It's just very strange. I'd mix up the capitalization a bit-- or at least not capitalize until after the end of a sentence, marked by a period. BTW: A mind unhinged and blowing wild, Flags of conquered countries torn by wind, Unconsciousness streaming in through the eardrums ^So h0tt. | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by mara | [ Reply to This ] | You successfully describe a state of confusion with which I can completely relate for I felt that way more than once. On the other hand, I'd like to see this write lined up in better. That'd be my only suggestion since I kinda have the feeling you don't really want to hear much. | I did enjoy the imagery that was provided ... I thought it was very effective and moving in a certain way. Take care, Ethan. | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ] | |
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