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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Solitudedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Little_Woman
    ASL Info:    20/Lady/History
    Elite Ratio:    6.16 - 36/25/3
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1033
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 888



    Description:
       Ever asked to be alone and away from everybody? Sometimes you regret saying those words and wish only for things to get back to normal. This is a little piece of my solitude.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSolitudedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Solitude,
    bekind and look onto me with sorrowful eyes,
    leave me not to dwell alone
    within your realm of silence.

    Release me from your deathly fingers
    and rid the foul smell of rancid breathe.
    Look deep within your callous heart,
    find pity and set me free.

    Do not sequester me from the world.
    I plead of you, abandon me once more
    and let me live again,
    freely without your essence consuming my thoughts.

    Forget when I called onto you
    Do not heed my words of ignorance
    Confine me no more
    I wish not to walk alone.


    My lips are tightly fused together
    as I hoplessly try to seek my forgotten voice.
    My eyes drenched in tears
    and my hands reach for nothing.











    Submitted on 2006-01-31 09:01:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      A very interesting piece.

    I'll get the nitpicky stuff out of the way first: Spelling errors and typos:
    Solitude,
    BE KIND and look onto me with sorrowful eyes,
    and rid the foul smell of rancid
    BREATH.
    as I
    HOPELESSLY try to seek my forgotten voice.

    Now to the important stuff:
    This is creative as hell and I loved it. We typically think of being trapped by people or jobs or bars. It's not often you see a piece like this, where solitude is cast as an antagonist.

    I think the best parts are the third and fourth phrases:
    Do not sequester me from the world.
    I plead of you, abandon me once more
    and let me live again,
    freely without your essence consuming my thoughts.


    I know this is different than your image, but I almost see a mountain man here. Someone like my father, who loves being out in the wilderness by himself. The majesty of the mountains has a pull on him to be sure. But, like you, he would eventually grow unhappy left all alone.

    Forget when I called onto you
    Do not heed my words of ignorance
    Confine me no more
    I wish not to walk alone.


    This is good too, though it hits me in a little different fashion. I love the way your talking to solitude as a person with whom you're in an ugly, addictive relationship. Perhaps, you really are...

    Well done,
    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of the song "Unanswered Prayers", for it is so true that sometimes we beg for release only to find that that really isnt't what we wanted either. Rather akin to using up the last wish granted by a fairy.

    I quite liked this, for you really got the message of longing and melancholy through loud and clear. The first strophe is poignant and clear , and i liked the olden days voice projected by "onto me" and "dwell" and the syntax.

    "Solitude,
    be kind and look onto me with sorrowful eyes,
    leave me not to dwell alone
    within your realm of silence.
    "

    The second strophe, advances the grip that this solitude has on you, and here I think you could improve this effect with a few different word choices. Try "grasp, grip, clutches "or even "hold "for "fingers" , and perhaps "deathly is too strong if you mean stifling, choking, over-powering-.

    Perhaps just "Rid me of this stale and rancid breath" , for i found the idea here rather dangling-(rid the foul smell-from what? from whom?) [ no e on the end of the noun breath]

    Release me from your deathly fingers
    and rid the foul smell of rancid breathe.
    Look deep within your callous heart,
    find pity and set me free.


    The rest continues to further your state of mind and you heartbreaking plaintive plea for release and the piece evokes a bleak, bitterseet refrain througout.

    I do think though that you could try minimalizing many lines to make this even more effective. Try trimming away reundant words, and "filler" words that do nothing to promote your theme

    I think change "when" to "that" in this stanza,-it sounds better , and you might want to try a little enjambment, but that is just my take on your poem. So it could read

    "Forget that I called onto you—
    Do not heed my words of ignorance
    Confine me no more, for
    I wish not to walk alone."

    I liked this very much, for it touched a nerve that reminded me of similar feelings and similar pleas to Solitude and to Love.

    Well Done
    Silver
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this.. The longing to be free and express yourself again. The need to be set free from a love that has inprisoned you for to long. Someone has silenced your voice.
    You have found it here in this write.

    I read your other writes and I was struck by the simularity of your words to my daughters (idlewriter) writing. I at first thought that she had created an alias and I asked her if she had. Nope she didn't.

    The way you write is enchanting as hers is and that I believe is why I am drawn to it.

    Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      I was thinking of that old country 'Please Release Me', and let me go!
    To be held in a prison where love is only a memory, is worse than no love at all.
    A real fine message for many a couple who just play love as a game. A score, another point or just to be the victor, is not real love.
    Great write here, my only thoughts were I wish I could take you away and fill the voids of pain; but I cannot!
    I can hope you find another, who makes your solitude become togetherness.
    Good job here, you only need to be encouraged to keep letting the words flow.
    Later
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really powerful write
    I took this write as the battle you are fighting with yourself
    One half of you once to do one thing while the other half says no lets do this
    I may be wrong but thats the feelings and emotion I got from this write
    Exceptionally well done
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty good poem about solitude and the many feelings that it can bring about. Sometimes we all feel the need to be left alone and then once we are, we realize that it is not what we really wanted. Our emotions are so complex that we, ourselves dont fully understand them. I do have one spelling correction for you here. I think "breathe" should be 'breath'. Otherwise a good poem, and I know how it feels to have someone consume your mind, even when you dont want them there. That is very difficult to deal with. You express yourself well with your words. take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I plead of you, abandon me once more

    That line I think was just amazing. It's so easy to want to be alone and then when you're alone you want to be anything but. I find when I'm lost in solitude my thoughts take over far too much and I tend to forget how to not be alone. You get what I'm saying?! Yeah, I know, I tend to babble.
    I really like how you are trying to pull yourself out of the loneliness at the end, it adds hope to your piece and that's always a good thing.
    Another great piece of writing here Jo!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, you may recieve it (and the tunnel of darkness that appears so peaceful is deep enough to trap falling stars in a black hole of misery). I can't say what triggered this bout with isolation (and I do hope the bridges in your rearview can be mended), but you seem to be drawn to the warmth and light now; that's a good thing. I'd say you got your point across. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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