Description: I want to give this a different title. I don't think it is good enough to be called "Lament" seeing as it's my favorite word EVER! I think I will make a different poem all about the word lament. I want suggestions please! And point out spelling errors! I can't hardly see the grey type. Anyways, I wrote this while I was supposed to be writing an essay in history... This is becoming normal... Skipping out on class to write vampyre poems... YEY!!!
I never got to say goodbye to you
And the feeling runs like poison through my veins
The look in your eyes as you backed away
As your fear held thick in the air like fog
Enchanted as you were, the spell is broken now
And thoughts rage through your mind
Ravenous and wild as a rabid dogs
Your pulse shaking the air around us
And the mournful cry that escaped my lips
As the thirst began to fill the void in my mind
I lament this life, mine and yours alike
And the undeniable truth that befalls us
Like raindrops that are driven from the sky
Here we stand in the dead of night
Enraptured by the gaze of one another
Waiting for a break in this deafening silence
Knowing full well what the only outcome may be
You come falling harshly to realization
As the blood runs cold beneath your pale skin
What I so deeply desire from you
This hunger so impossible to tame
That invokes my every senses
As my eyes are turning an icy blue
I thoughtlessly step close to you
Feeling the warmth of your breath
That reminds me so much of the heat I once felt
Lost in memory, I barely noticed your heart stop
Or how sweet your life felt on my tongue
I didn't catch your conscience on the way out
And I never got to say goodbye to you
Well I think I read this one already? cause I can't vote, weird. But reguardless. I'm sorry for big words me dont understand. what dose lament mean? oh and I liked the part where it began with *lost in memory* and *like rain drops from the sky we stand here from the dead of night* those sound like things I would say, me likey your words. They make me smile when I feel bad, because they are rad (I BUSTED A RYHM IN A FEEDBACK OH CRAP) =P. So your stuff is cool so what dosen't mean its the best...nevermind it comes close...ok to me it comes very close to the best cause...nevermind its like halfway are like... um OK ITS GOOD VERY GOOD. Ya lets go with that its very good and that means it ROCKS. PEACE OUT
Well, I’m speechless …. This was absolutely enthralling. This is a great write ….
It seems as if you were very sad on account of this person’s departure …. I understand how you may be feeling for quite recently I went through something alike …. I truly hope you are fine now ….
On the other hand, one of the few drawbacks I could point out is the fact that the second line perilously borders on cliché …. I mean … is just my opinion but I’ve heard that one many times …. And as for spelling mistakes …… in line 14 you should replace “dead” by “Death” ……. And then in line 22 you misspelled “Evokes”. Other than that the poem is excellent and I happen to think that is inspiring in a certain way.
But first things first, you wanted us to check you spelling. Congrats, not one spelling mistake :) (well none that i can see) Something did happen on the 5th line though, i think you forgot to press enter or something.
I have one question though... In your 3rd line you wrote:
"The look in your eyes as you walked away"
I dont actually see how that is possible. If someone is walking away usually their head is facing you, so you cant see their eyes?
Other than that, everything was great, grammer included :) :)
The only way i can describe the poem is by saying it is very full. That isnt a very good description, but thats how i read it. You sometimes you read poems and they seem to be lacking content, or a purpose, they seem empty. This one wasnt. I find it interesting that most people encompass their whole poem in either the first few lines or the last few lines, and the rest of the poem is justifying those few lines. It is a very powerful tool, especially in the first few lines, it draws the reader in immediately.
I cant really point out specific parts in the poem, because they all seem to complement each other. Its a very well rounded poem and towards the end of the poem where you touched on some intimacy, you really captured the reader. :)
Well, that was my impression, may not be awesome but it was honest
Submission Name: Lament
