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    dots Submission Name: Difference Between Darkness & Lightdots

    Author: disturbed420
    ASL Info:    20/f/wpg
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 36/35/15
    Words: 673
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 3393

       Delving deeper into my past...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDifference Between Darkness & Lightdots

    I took his hand and let him lead me into darkness. He did not force me, I followed him like he was my savior; leading me into the light. He was all the things I wanted and I was amazed that for once I could have them, I changed myself to please him. I let him shape me into a new person. One I neither liked nor wished to be. He did not force me to change. That is the important part. I changed on my own because it pleased him and while he was my world, making him happy was the same as making myself happy. He liked color and light so I became what he wanted dressing up in brights and never letting the smile leave my face. At night when I relaxed to go to sleep, I liked to imagine Iíd pulled a cheek muscle. He didnít see it but the brighter and happier I got outside the farther into darkness I slipped inside.

    He rolled me my first joint the summer before 9th grade and with it he once again opened my eyes and expanded my world. Weed became my lover, my soul mate, my very best friend. There is nothing better than a thick joint or a hard packed bowl, sweet smelling smoke twisting towards the ceiling. One long toke and colors flash, my eyes glaze over and I am lost. In this new hobby, I found release from his rules which were growing, but he told me he loved me and no one had ever said that to me before. Well not a boy anyways, and he made me feel desired. That is a feeling that is almost as addicting as the drugs he fed me, tugging me in, making me fall deeper into my self-created void.

    I hit rock bottom when I found the ultimate release; a razorblade, loud music, and myself. The human body; so quick to bleed, so slow to heal. I would time the scabbing process. How many days till it stopped bleeding, how many till the scab formed, how many till the scab fell off and the scar emerged. Scars I still carry today if you look close enough, across my chest, my stomach, the tops of my legs, my arms. I cut the parts of myself he criticized to punish myself for not pleasing him entirely. I let myself be led down this path and now I needed to find my way out

    Christmas of 9th grade and I was alone. Mom and dad went to Las Vegas and I sat there in my grandparents living room. Staring at my reflection in the window, I realized I did not want to be this "me" anymore. I didnít like this "me". I hated my body, my scars, my mind, myself. Remaking one's self is the most painful process you could ever experience, ripping myself away from him was so hard. For too long I let him be my world, because he was beautiful. Thatís what I wanted. But then I didnít want him anymore.

    So I stopped and I thought. I found support in other places and healed, I felt the emotional scabs form and I waited to feel them fall off, to let the scars come through. This time, however, I timed it in months, not days, and the scars that emerged will take much longer to fade than those that were left physically. I learned balance and control and escaped from my lover, because why love a drug when it will never love you back?

    I am still scarred and I still think of him, my savior the one who taught me what darkness really is. I am now able to say I donít hate him, because if he hadnít shown me darkness, how would I have ever realized it when I finally reached the light?

    Submitted on 2006-01-31 23:34:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was beautiful, thank you so much for sharing!
    Itís definitely a difficult thing to do, displaying a part of your soulÖ
    Awaiting the acceptance, or cruel judgment of others.

    We are quick to change ourselves to please others, not realizing our own demise.
    However as awful as it may seem, we need to take the darkened trail to reach the lightÖ
    Which you clearly found.

    Thank you again.
    | Posted on 2006-12-05 00:00:00 | by theDevilsPocket | [ Reply to This ]
      Thankyou for sharing your past, it takes a lot of courage to do that. I can relate to this completely. I was a lot like you when I was younger. I was really messed up. My dark time of my life happened when I thought I'd found my true love, and he turned out to be violent and constantly beat me. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't need him in my life anymore. I turned to alcohol and drugs to block out the pain, and cut myself frequently to release the pressure he'd put on me. I found my light in my real true love. Who three years on I am still with today, and getting married to in a couple of years. He shew me that there was more to life that I was letting myself experience, and brought me out of the dark.
    Well done for moving out of the dark into the light. It's hard I know, but it makes you a stronger person in the end.
    Really great writing, and nice work for being so honest.
    (Sorry if I've rambled on!!)
    | Posted on 2006-12-05 00:00:00 | by Poťtic Harmonie | [ Reply to This ]
      Truely a beautiful glimpse into your past. Often the struggle between darkness and light often becomes very real... I am sorry that you had to expirience this but the person you have become I am sure is worth every second of darkness that you expirienced.

    I loved the progression of this piece and how you never forced you emotions upon your reader... you almost let me create the image myself... I admire your style and raw talent that is very evident in this piece.

    My favorite stanza was when you hit rock bottom. I do beleive that we have to reach this point to see destruction before us. Your description of scars, bleeding, healing, and then bleeding eternally was profoundly captivating... in a very dark, morbid, way... but then again I can cetainly relate

    Keep up the incredible work!

    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      I dont know what to say really.
    But I feel like I have to say something, cause this is some of the best I have ever read.

    It made me feel sad, and at the same time happy. Darkness and light. The eternal conflict in all of us, but some more than others! The battle of the young :) Good work!
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]

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