First off- yup, i would say that your hold on poetry is back-congrats. secondly i enjoyed this piece a lot. exactly how a day in my high school angst life goes. sucks don't it? the only thing i suggest to break the boring cycle is take a walk. that sounds super lame but it helps me a lot. you actucally have to look around and stop brooding as you walk but it helps put things in a broader perspective.
the only suggestion i have for the piece is that you use more adjectives when describing the day or its monotony. maybe you were going for the cut-and-dry feel but just because it's about bordeom doesn't mean it has to be boring. just a picky suggestion but otherwise good job SASHA LYNN
hey This was interesting to read. When I was a kid, about your age I think, the monotony of life was driving me nuts and I started doing uncharacteristic things at school...messing up a quiz I could have aced easily just to see how the teachers would react to a discrepancy in my straight A record! haha...yeah, i went through a weird phase. Then i got bored with that too!
Anyway, one of the parts that I could really relate to was:
knowing Im trapped I slip off into my thoughts dreams come now taking me to freedom
I actually remember being soo bored that an exciting nightmare used to charge me up more than a sweet dream could have!
Anyway, I thought this was fine, no need for any changes. I agree with Haecceity in that we often find ourselves following a routine that has never been forced upon us...that's what makes it so hard to break.
Good thing you're not an insomniac, lol. Gosh, how depressing. I realise you've catagorised it so, but give Lady Life a break. Why should she come to someone who doesn't seek her? "Ever minute that passes is another chance to change your life"
In verse two, capitolise the second "I" and in stanza three, why not swap around "repeating constantly"? And line three of the same stanza, correct "it's". And a title would be nice as well.
This is a much better poem than the original zach. and with the original being as good as it was, this is like 5 times better, which makes it totally awesome. Good job on the expansion. I like how you use repeatative stanzas to ephasize the repeating dullness of life. If you walk around in circles all day, whnot try a square friend? lol. Just a wisecrack. I cant find much to [censored] about on this, so I'm gonna cut this comment off before I start repeating myself, lol. Great job Zach ~Rob~
Ever feel like a robot lately? We all do. Try to capitalize your "I"s. The repitition of again, unless all the way through on the first lines, or maybe just the first and last, was really bothersome and it made me feel bored while I was reading it.
The feelings of being trapped reminds me of claustophobia (sp?). And as it would seem, you see life like that, which is okay. However, try to stay away from cliché phrases and try not to using cursing unless it adds a good feeling ot the poem. As if it were needed, in whih in this case, it is not. Stupidest is not a correct word applicable to the english language word...unless you were trying to be ironic. For instance saying how stupid it was, but showing your lack of intelligence by using the word "stupidest". Just kidding.
okay, the first thing i'd recommend is moving the strophe
"finish the day go home again waste more time contemplating what to do"
to being the last strophe, it makes much more of an impact to me. possibly add an 'and', such as
"go home and waste more time contemplating what to do"
that's just me, i fear no man.
your idea is a good one, and i see real promise in this poem. that statement is coming from a guy who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.
also, i'd move around the words in the strophe
"the same everyday big trap I was born into can't escape this prison no matter how hard i try"
it seems too cliché, yet at the same time i can see an individual meaning. the double use of an uppercase I and a lowercase one are critical to its meaning. how about:
"the same everyday trap I was born into escape this prison I can not no matter how hard i try"
horribly altered, but seems more... unique. but don't use the exact phrasing, that's not unique at all.
another thing i noticed was that the use of contractions, as in 'can't' or 'won't', they seem to be distracting from the piece. you seem to be in deep thought, but the use of contractions sends the message that your full thoughts aren't being appreciated.
i see where you're going with the repetitions of 'again', but i feel it's become too repetetive. your reader can figure out your meaning without having to repeat the same word so many times.
alright, i don't mean to critique as much as i have, but i can honestly see something in this one. the lines
"friends just whine some more its the same, so I dont care"
are great, though it should be 'it's' with an ' to mean 'it is' not the possessive form. i still love the meaning. your understanding of others may be one of your greatest flaws, though it easily inspires you. welcome to the club.
your writing is quite intriguing. it implies much more beneath the surface that remains unspoken. your challenge will be to completely lead the reader to realize that, and not to hope they do. i enjoyed this one, hope i didn't blather too much.
Submission Name: will i ever change too?- revised
