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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Waiting Hourdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vagrant_AI
    ASL Info:    17/Male/Arizona, USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 9/13/23
    Words: 307
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 155
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1908



    Description:
       For the next series, (which is independent to what I have posted before), you must figure EVERYTHING out for yourselves. No help from me this time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Waiting Hourdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The clock beats the rhythm your heart has missed
    Drafting the gothic stories like its design tells to make
    Engineer, you're no soldier
    Drawing up the tears send me a letter and tell me it's alright
    That you're alive
    That your ghost won't be kissing me goodnight tonight
    Bloodshot eyes through your chest says to us all goodbye
    Good God, I'm a believer don't turn atheist now
    Do the thing you promised me in my prayers: keep him safe. Creator and my fate. While he’s away.

    Harold, don't leave tonight burn the command they've sent you take me in your arms in the way you see
    Them
    Sarah, I won't see you tonight by safety's command it has sent me you're in my heart unlike the way I see
    Them

    They've put a gun in your hands, your future is your own in our phrase, charge
    By the look of the rising sun, a dawn the young ones see, morning star
    Pain stricken virgin to war you blink towards
    Make yourself up in arms to the ways you now take

    Harold, don't leave tonight burn the command they've sent you take me in your arms in the way you see
    Them
    Sarah, I won't see you tonight by safety's command it has sent me you're in my heart unlike the way I see
    Them

    Wake up, death's so sure there
    It has caught you by the sleeve on the absence of mercy
    Maybe there was no other way out
    Second Savior, Endless Liver, Other Worlder

    Harold, don't leave tonight burn the command they've sent you take me in your arms in the way you see them
    Sarah, I won't see you tonight by safety's command it has sent me you're in my heart unlike the way I see
    Them...

    Now, go...




    Submitted on 2006-02-01 11:57:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Husband's off to the war, wife's praying, writing to him, and pleading to him in her head.
    There's not much imagery here, or rhythm that I'm immediately aware of, but somehow it kind of works. Maybe it's the repetition. I wouldn't try to make a poem like this myself, but you've succeeded.
    It's boring, but it's puzzling, so it's not too boring. Wistful and a bit haunting. I'd like to see the few images expanded a bit. You could compare the heart from the beginning to something else, so maybe I could pick up on why it skipped its rhythm, or you could return to the concept of measured time you brought up with the clock.
    Verse 3 is my favorite. I don't understand all of it, and the bit about the children comes off as a bit pretentious (I don't know why they're there, so I instinctively think generic anti-war sentiment.) But the continuity with the celestial objects and the virgin reassures me that there's really something here you're trying to tell me. The kind of virgin that comes to mind is some sort of benevolent star goddess, though now that I think of it, you're talking about Harold being new to war.
    There's some good spots that keep me reading, but you allude to a lot of secrets that you don't reveal or return to. I think if you returned to your symbols or imagery more the poem would seem more thought-out and people would have more patience with it.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Rokhal | [ Reply to This ]



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