Description: This is a resubmit but the last one got sweet f.a feedback despite 20 or so views, so I take it that means that it sucked ass.
Quite a big revision since then, so I hope this measures up. Please feel free to have a pop.
Flowers and thorns -------------------------------------------
Rapid thoughts of past days
Call the angels forth,
To wield aloft their magic song
And carry us to places gone.
To friends long thought lost
And faces not quite known,
Through the jumbled musings
Our doubts let loose to run amok.
Eye to eye with fear then joy
Searching, always searching
For anchors to the real world and
Surcease from senseless noise.
The angels are unyielding
Giving, not one person quarter.
Until the scenes are all played out
No one here is leaving.
Movement here is not ours to reign;
Enlightened paths could bring dismay,
Or darkened groves give crucial shelter
With waking dreams manifested.
There are exceptions to the rules,
When the angels loose their sway.
Realisation and with it power,
You turn the thorn into a flower.
This poem suggests to me a breaking with the hold of religion over men. It commences with the imagination and visions of heaven and religion. The angels seem to be authoritarian – similar to the angel Gabriel – angels of retribution and death. There is a sense of being trapped that is emphasised by the rhyming of:
The angels are unyielding no one here is leaving.
There is also an impression of the breaking of angel tyranny - the angels loose their sway giving way to existential thought. Men are responsible for their own destiny? The thorns I presume allude to the crown of thorns worn by the crucified Christ and these lines are given extra emphasis through the rhyming couplet.
There is a powerfully built structure throughout with a predominantly 6 – 8 syllabic count while the rhyming couplet is 9. Additionally, the assonance produces a fervent tone
‘Rapid thoughts of past days’ ‘ To friends long thought lost And faces not quite known.
being just two examples and I also, like the alliteration in those last lines.
Plus, I like the way you use verbs to both indicate movement and the lack of it with the sense of confinement.
Our doubts loose to run amok’ No one here is leaving.
What I'm getting here is almost akin to insomnia. It's the hopeless, circling feeling of the depressed or stressed.
I can't do this because of that I need to get the other done I can't go on without him/her I can't do this because of that I need to get the other done ... ... ...
The feeling I get is that left to ponder your thoughts, they begin to circle in ever tightening, painful thornlike ways. Through the jumbled musings Our doubts let loose to run amok.
In the end, you realize the answer is to let go. There are exceptions to the rules, When the angels loose their sway. Realisation and with it power, You turn the thorn into a flower.
If I'm getting any of this right, you might want to change "angel" to a more villanous word. Demon, spectre, ghost, spirit, something more evil and plotting.
I think you have a typo. Noone should be no one.
Also in the line Movement here is not ours to reign; "reign" is correct if you're meaning to rule like a king, which works. On the other hand if you mean to rein in (like a team of horses) then you're looking for "rein". I think rein works better.
This is a good poem. I never had the chance to read the original so I cant compare it. But I can say that this one is nicely written and expressed. It reads to me as a sort of optomistic viewpoint on life. Instead of seeing the bad in things, you see the good. Saying life is what you make it to be and is only as good as its interpretation. This is a very inspiring poem. It reminds us to try to see the brighter side. A rose in all its beauty still has thorns but nontheless it is still a rose. I enjoyed reading this. Nice work. And I like the fact that it doesnt rhyme too. There is no need to. Take care.
I believe this would have made an outstanding rhyme, and I also believe you had the ability to make it one. As a metred poem the metre sways a bit in places, although the theme was truly a beautiful one. Sound imagery and wonderful wording, it is rather good as it is. In the second stanza, line six: I suggest you remove the comma; line eight: "No one".
This is very well written. I'm glad you edited, this is definitely worth the effort you obviously put into it. It flows very smoothly, giving that quality that dreams have (even if they are in no way connected). It has good metaphors, like the angels and the subconscious (at least, I saw that as a metaphor). Absolutely adore it! -HaldirLives
I get a feeling of enlightenment from this piece. As if when dreams awake then we can change the bad (the thorns) into good (the flowers). It also had a bit of a subconcious, dreamlike quality. As if the angels are directing our dreams.
As for general advice. I might suggest breaking this into six stanzas instead of three, but that's purely a personal prefernce.
I didn't like the title either. You penned a line that for me was central to the piece and thought it might work as a title - With Waking Dreams - just a thought.
This is definitely an intuitive reasoning piece. Something more felt that read.
I do agree much with ThisIsReal. The choice of words you had in here were nice although I'm not sure if I really understood this write cause it seemed to just be something different in some parts but nonetheless it does paint some sort of interesting picture in my mind. lol. Some of your rhyming sounds a bit forced in some spots too so you should probably fix those and your flow to this would be great. . I really don't know what else to say but this is good.
Beautifullly written, I like your choice of words even if I didn't fully comprehend it. This paints a picture, though I'm not sure what of. The thorn into the flower line made sense. but as it is, good write, deeper thinking poets than I are sure to be able to get it in whole. ~Rob~