Archaic Autumn by clovernfoxglove

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Submission Name: Archaic Autumn dots

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Author:	clovernfoxglove
Elite Ratio:	5.16 - 76/83/33
Words:	76

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Longing
Total Views:	212
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	523

Description:
I 'll take anything you give me. Please be honest with your comments. Tell me how I can improve.

Archaic Autumn dots

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Alone
Standing on the charred edges
of a forgotten time
leaves raining on waiting Earth
wind whispering in chimes
this is archaic autumn
holding fast with children of the fallen
other places in other worlds
sing their gentle callings
gold, amber, orange, red
the colors of a pallet
subjects of stories
told by the long dead
leaf has turned
as pigments will
and the earth again gets her fill

Submitted on 2006-02-01 15:42:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  At first reading this I felt like you had some nice lines placed together that didn't quite carry me through a theme. And I thn I would place the first four lines in their strophe, just to set the last ones off. Also I would drop the cap on "standing" and put a comma after alone. Put a cap on "Holding"

Alone,
standing on the charred edges
of a forgotten time
leaves raining on waiting Earth
wind whispering in chimes
this is archaic autumn.

Holding fast with children of the fallen
other places in other worlds
sing their gentle callings
gold, amber, orange, red
the colors of a pallet
subjects of stories
told by the long dead
leaf has turned
as pigments will
and the earth again gets her fill.

The reason for all of this is the way the line "other places in other worlds" lies in the syntax makes it seem out of place, but with this change, it seems more understandable to me. It also sets off the last ideas and makes them stand as a theme.

Over all really nice work, thanks for sharing,

Nan
| Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  The question was asked recently on the debate forum about being able to envoke emotion and I feel personally that you have accomplished it here. The subject was also whether the author could have some vanity in being able to do this, to which I replied that the perceived quality is up to the readers, so vanity would not be real, only the praise. You've earned some!

I like that this is not just your average seasonal poem, but has enlisted that "forgotten time" element, it is at once a distant time and yet it is "holding fast with children of the fallen
other places in other worlds", giving it a timelessness to dwell upon. That is very creative and shows good imagination, a dreamy effect.

The "charred edges" is also a nice effect as is the starting line "Alone" which sets the mood and stage. As has already been said, I don't think there is much to change here, you would have to look hard and would risk losing something. I looked at changing some tenses which would make it different, but I don't think it could go any better. Good work!
| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the pathetic fallacy in this the way that nature seems to express the mood of the persona who seems to ‘Standing on the charred edges’ of a past relationship yet also there is a sense of universal history.

this is archaic autumn
holding fast with children of the fallen
other places in other worlds
sing their gentle callings

I do wonder if that last line would be stronger if you changed the collocation to

And the earth,
again, gets her fill.

charming poem
nessie
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  On one level, this is a beautiful nature poem. There aren't a lot of repeated words here, but there are images that are closely related to each other. All of those images connect solidly to form a complete whole.

In addition, I think I'm seeing a second, metaphorical level. From the beginning word "Alone", I get the feeling you're also talking about the end of a relationship or the end of a life. References to "a forgotten time", and "holding fast with children of the fallen" reinforce the image. Finally the last line "the earth again gets her fill" creates the image in my mind of a coffin being lowered.

Am I close??

Steve
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a nice seasonal poem. Autumn is my favorite season and for so many different reasons. I dont see anything here I would change. This is very well written and expressed and you capture this seasonal change very well with your words. You have it classified under random thoughts but I think this would better be suited as poetry of nature. I think you did a good job writing this poem. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  while reading this i sensed that this season was calling her "children" back to the earth where they came.. each of which had their own stories and journies but all joining togather at the end.. kind of in a beautiful way to die, i guess.. anyhow, that's just how i saw it happening. thanx for sharing...
| Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really touching
To me this poem spoke of how we are all no matter where we are one human race
I also liked how you added when one dies another one replaces that person on the Earth
That is so True
I enjoyed reading this
I am anxiously awaiting new writes from you
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to agree with all the other comments so far, and because of that I haven't anything to add to it, except that if this a sample of the way you write then I would most surely say bravo and keep up the good works
adnil
| Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
  i have never seen autumn myself, but were i be able to, i would imagine it to be as nice as how the words "archaic autumn" sounds. the way it just rolls off and all. great ear for those sets of words.

nit pickery: pallet, or palette? and as our esteemed colleague hyperglo commented on, capitalization of earth. thats about it.

would like to thank hyperglo here for a moment for giving me my first comment. :)
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
  I'd definitely put this under "Poetry". It's a well written nature poem that has subtle shades of human emotion entwined in its lines. Some punctuations would be useful. It has a melancholy feel to it. And some very nice lines..
"charred edges of a forgtten time / wind whispering in chimes".

A nice piece of poetry.
~Sandra
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  WEll, I know you want constructive critisism, but there is absolutely nothing I can find wrong in this. Well...you capitalized Earth in the beginning and didnt in the end.

I enjoyed this as it brings an honest ode to the season of fall to me.

Thanks for sharing.

| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]

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