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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Mechanicsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rokhal
    ASL Info:    21, f, USA NW
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 85/71/18
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1273
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 723



    Description:
       It's one of those poem-from-a-list challenges. Those are fun.
    Is it good? What doesn't work?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Mechanicsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Clangor-a Clangor-a Clangor-a Clunk.
    Peals bleak, bright and dauntless
    Cold hands, carbon-black and bitter,
    And a bucket of wrenches, batteries with no sour taste left in the plugs,
    A call, no, a scat to the creep of the terrier dog,
       For the sweet green god on the jacks
    All for you, who wait in your solitude
    As we, in our sorrow for money, paw in the rag-box
    Drop hands to a young glinting eye in the street
    Till behind us loud skrunts some expensive disaster
    And we, we errants in grease, grind, and willful genius
    Hail the far throom of our huge, joyous somewhere-tomorrow,
    Gray sky, skurry leaves, blue paper Tahiti.




    Submitted on 2006-02-01 15:48:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is an excellent piece. Very well done. I really like it a lot, even though it isnt really the style that I am into. Amazing.

    Keep up the great writing!
    You rock!

    peace.
    -Kamerin
    | Posted on 2007-01-13 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ]
      It's good. It's very unique. I can't believe it, I have absolutely nothing to say on this. Speechless.
    -Justin
    | Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by Tekin_Kashami | [ Reply to This ]
      i should really try those poems from a list challenges. from what i see here, they seem to produce some good ones.

    i wonder if the first line of the poem really came from the list. lol onomatopoeias are cool and are one of my favorite devices. and it didnt really distract a lot, the sonics in it were great, and appropriate. quite a welcome opening; as if to bang us awake or catch our attention.

    its's kind of obvious that you had a theme going on in your head when you wrote the list and this piece was a very sweet fruit of labour. i think if one were to write something like this with the absence of a list, it would take twice as long to make.

    as for the poem, there's something of a blue-collar feel about it; greasy, labouring, chucking a bunch of coal to a furnace inside a steamer... yea, the joy of grunt work.

    -pietro
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      At first I found the piece quite boring, but as soon as I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes and realised what you were saying, I found it was a pretty cool poem. Very original.

    The only thing I'd suggest you change is line twelve. With the knowledge that it was my favourite line in the entire piece, I was disturbed by the double "we". It's good for meaning and flow but I believe it's somehow grammatically incorrect. Maybe "And we, us errants" would do the job.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree, this is definitely unique. Never read anything quite like it before. But it seems like line 2 needs a rhythm similar to line 1, and a rhyme. I think it more effectively set up the beat of the shop. I liked how you opened with sounds, trying to set up the atmosphere. I like it. Great job.
    -HaldirLives
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow.
    I really really like this, I don't even know why. It's extremley unique and I have no idea what compelled me to keep reading, but it was riviting all the way through.


    batteries with no sour taste left in the plugs

    That line for some reason...I don't know, this whole poem obviously has a double meaning, and I can't figure out what, but it's really good.
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]
      This has an interestingly chaotic rhythem to to it like a bomb going off in a warehouse full of pots and pans. It is an interesting subject that is much now ignored in the slick space-aged mind set of the public, never much picked-up upon by any but Hart Crane who made it his ever-present theme.

    In line 3 I'd change the second half to: "bitter and carbon black" because the change is less abrupt, and maybe change "money" to "gold" in line 8 to keep things nice and metalic. Just a thought.

    Jason The [censored]
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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