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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What Right Have I?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 988
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 898



    Description:
       So, basically, I'm entirely sick of writing so much crap about love. And here's why. . . .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat Right Have I?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Writings of love and loss,
    Sickening myself with sucre.
    Sucre lies, sucre fantasies.
    What right have I
    To speak of things that
    I have never known?
    What right have I
    To put such as
    The kiss never felt
    In a line or two?
    Lying, Theorizing, Contemplating,
    What it might be
    To be in love.
    My imagined emotions,
    Magnified friendships,
    Eloquently described cerebrally.
    On the page I write,
    One sees beauty.
    Beautiful lies,
    Lies that speak
    To a loverís soul.
    Eloquent lies,
    Lies that seem
    So real to some.
    How can I express
    What I donít feel,
    What I donít know?
    All my flowing words,
    All my delicate rhyme,
    All my feigned emotion.
    What right have I
    To tell you
    What love is?




    Submitted on 2006-02-01 16:38:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I thought you had great rhythm in this. I loved the shape of the poem( I started noticing that as I slide down the page) The poem's got a lot of emotion that comes through...frustration, doubt, denial, hopelessness set against hope. If you were born into slavery does that mean you couldn't conceive of freedom? There are so many questions that spring from the poem...so many positions you could take...I really liked that aspect about it and the despair that comes through. DB
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked the write. but i kinda think you have all the right in the world. i mean, well i haven't really experienced love either, but i can imagine, can't it? if i can't be lucky enough to have someone love me, can't i just imagine, can't i dream a little?

    well it's just something to think about. anyway, coming back to the poem, i think it was really ineteresting. i dont really mind the repetetion, i actually liked it, but then i was always a little partial towards repetetion. it seemed like a stream-of-consciousness (i could be saying this because i'm studying too much hemingway lately). i liked that too. i also kinda liked the questions posed in the poem, seeing the whole poem is a question anyway. anyway, nice write.

    Zuheir.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      OOh, very excellent, unique subject matter. You analyze yourself very critically.

    Interesting.

    I liked the word choice, the punctuation, and of course the poem beneath all of that.

    Commendable, however, I noticed this.

    You capitalize the beginning of each line, which is not necassarily the best thing to do in a poem, as you commonly should reserved capitalization for words you want to stick out.

    This poem is one of the few that actually NEEDS to have each line's beginning start with a lower case (excepting "I"), this is because you capitalize the words:

    "Lying, Theorizing, Contemplating"

    in, what appears to me, to be an effort of making them more important.

    this effect is lost if you use capitalization frequently.

    Treat it like an essay.

    Capitalize names, places, months, days of the week, holidays, titles, the word "I" or any words spawned from it, and the beginnings of sentances.

    THis way, capitalization elsewhere stands out even more, adding that "look at this" effect.

    That's all my criticism.

    The rest of the poem is awesome.

    Keep it up.

    Keep improving.

    Thanks for the good read.

    ~KRG
    | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm...very poignant. I agree with the ending for everyone has a differing viewpoint of it. Its always fun to hear and read peoples descriptions of it though and finding that there are very similar sentiments throughout...though they are achieved in different ways and means, ya know? Nice write.
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Intresting a little cynical maybe.
    Are you writing soley about you or other folks stuff as well?
    At the end of the day love is just a word that has different implications for all, so if you've had a relationship that's involved birds singing gayly through your head and stars spinning or even eaten a cake that was the finest thing to ever have passed your lips. As far as I'm concerned you're qualified to write a love poem sweet or bitter because love is just strong feelings towards something or someone.
    How we perceive it changes as we mature, so maybe what a 15 year old writes may appear a little naive to a twenty something, but it's all valid is what I'm trying to say. anyway enough inane jabbering from me.

    A bit of repitition in there but you got your point across quite well. Thanks

    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG, Jane! You've said exactly what I've never been able to. Not just about love, about everything. It's strange that I even feel guilty when I read the comments of those who have whole-heartedly related to feelings my words create that my soul has never felt.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


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