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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Aberrancydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 204
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Depressed
    Total Views: 1045
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1279



    Description:
       This isn't my best work, but I liked the rhyme at parts. [REVISED] (Formerly "Nameless 2")


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAberrancydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pick my bones
    and scrape them clean
    then will you be done with me?

    The days went by
    and I've awakened find
    all my friends are gone and I've been left behind.
    I don't know where the hours went
    or why so many of them were spent;

    Alone,
    thinking in my head
    of all the cruel things that I said.
    Criticizing every line
    as I re-run them through my mind.

    Wishing I could go back and change
    all the things that cause this pain.

    Everything has stayed the same,
    envy still falls from the sky like rain.
    Jealousy
    soaks the streets,
    it beads on me
    and I can't breath.

    Wanting what everyone else has got,
    this fixation has to stop;
    Waiting for the day you come to me,
    start my death
    and set me free.

    [Chorus:]
    Cut my skin
    my blood spills,
    pour me drinks,
    feed me pills;
    Off your worst
    or none at all,
    save me your
    emotional downfall.

    If it has to be anyone, I'd rather it be you
    to create my world and end it too.

    [Repeat Chorus]




    Submitted on 2006-02-01 19:28:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was interesting, you have a lot of ideas mixed into one poem, or that's what it seemed to me...like i already told you, if you disected this and worked with each seperate idea, they'd be great:) Good luck with everything in you life,


    Lia
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
      Firstly, no offence but what an angry looking picture you got there, looks like you are out for blood. Sorry I just had to say that, I weird like that sometimes.

    Anyway on to the poem, I won't get in any detail on this for it was fairly straightforward. I really liked those last two lines the most even though the whole write was good.
    I had fun with the weird rhyme structure, made this unique and not like your everyday rhyming poem. I'd say you actually manage to get away with that.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      good stuff, yeah the flow was pretty [censored] tight. the end was really good
    'cut my skin,
    my blood spills,
    pour me drinks,
    feed me pills'
    that really stuck out, this was kewl and not super-emo graphic but it let everyone get your point. yeah like I said this may "not be your best" but it was pretty damn good, I'll be reading more of yours soon,
    ~peace,
    jess
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really this piece, It had a great flow..

    "If it has to be anyone, I'd rather it be you
    to create my world and end it too."

    These lines really stuck out to me..I guess I have someone in mind, that I would rather have them make me and then kill me in the end..I guess I always love a strong ending..and this piece I could really relate to, I liked the whole part about being left behind and everyone is just gone..In my case I would say i'm just distant, pulling myself away..Beautiful piece, nothing you should change at all!Keep up the great work!!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. I think the best line was

    Cut my skin
    my blood spills,
    pour me drinks,
    feed me pills;
    Off your worst
    or none at all,
    save me your
    emotional downfall.

    It's really dark, and it expresses alot of emotion.
    Good job overall! ^_^
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by imaginarylight6 | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece has a relatively dark theme. Unless I missed something, the rhyme scheme is very erratic and there appears to be no rhythem. I had a difficult time getting the flow right in my head (actually, I never really got it right).
    Even so, I get both the feelings of love and hate intertwined within this poem, which lays out an interesting flavor.

    just some suggestions.
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by whiteshadows | [ Reply to This ]
      You were right, this had a kick ass rhyme scheme. lol. I loved the wording. I loved the imagery as well. I would say improve the flow, or mainly the structure of this poem. Line in up better with narrow rows and the flow will be kick ass also. Overall, good work. I liked this alot.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really an incredibly well written write
    I can easily see some music set to this to create an awesome song
    Have you ever tried writing Lyrics
    I think you definately have it in you
    I will be looking for more new writes from you
    Excellent Job
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Feed me pills?!?!?!

    FEED?!?! Brilliant. I always said "Give me" or "taking" lol. I am so in love with your work, Koe... lol JOE i mean. How awesome. Hm, my favorite line would have to be:

    "Everything has stayed the same,
    envy still falls from the sky like rain;
    Jealousy
    soaks the streets,
    it beads on me
    and I can't breath;"

    Well... stanza I should stay. I love the imagery in here! omg, I've never seen such talent.

    ---
    Carry
    ---
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by herownadversary | [ Reply to This ]
      Enjoyed this write from start to finish, re-reading it aloud, I can't seem to find any lines that seem awkward or out of place.

    "Cut my skin,
    my blood spill,
    pour me drinks,
    feed me pills;"

    This stanza in particular stuck out to me, perhaps becuse I like blood, or I can relate, I'm not sure, as I said it is early. Posslibly add a "s" to "my blood spill" to help the flow along here?

    Very good write, I hope to see more like this one in the near future.
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
      I also like this song very much... The only thing is that during this section did you mean to say bleeds?

    "Jealousy
    soaks the streets,
    it beads on me
    and I can't breath."

    But other than that it is a very well written song...

    R.bayden
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]


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