The structure is awkward and unweildy. It distracts the eye and ear. I realize that choppy can be a legitimate poetic technic, but it's very hard to do well, and I don't think you have achieved it here.
As for the content, it is, perhaps, a little too narrative, more like a story than a poem. More importantly than that, it didn't move me. I didn't feel the emotion behind the piece. I would try to revise the structure of this in a bigway, and then take a look at content. Look for ways to make this easier on eye and ear.
I agree with DeepDreamer in that the rhyme scheme needs looking at. Half the poem rhymes and the other half doesn't and when this happens, the reader, who was caught up in the flow at the beginning, gets thrown and loses interest. That's a shame when the wording of the poem and the storyline is good. It would be great to see an edited version of this when you have had time to look at it again. I'm nitpicking here but in the first stanza, last line, you have written 'you're'and this I think, should be 'your' a common mistake but one that really winds me up lol. Take care. Mel.
This needs quite some work. I think maybe the rhyme scheme was too strict and lacking in creativity. You can come up with a beatiful flowing rhyme with little effort if you try out different styles. In the first three stanzas the rhyme restricted your words a lot and then the rhyme scheme was just lost in the fourth. You either do "abcb" for each stanza alone, or you stick to the same "b" all way through.