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    dots Submission Name: Silent Daggers of Hatreddots

    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 529
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 962

       It goes along as a melody it is the first time I have done something like this so yeah please read and comment it would be highly appreciated

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSilent Daggers of Hatreddots

    I trusted you with everything
    and everything I told
    But I guess it is one of those things
    where you're hand you have to fold

    What was there is there no more
    my dear, you broke it from the mold
    And despite the words of love you spoke
    your shoulder still turned cold

    We tried and tried and tried again
    the arguments got old
    Even at good times apparently
    you were hard to get a hold

    I bet I am not the only guy
    that this story has told
    I bet that I am not the last
    to be let down, so I know

    Now we barely talk, my friend
    if I can call you that anymore
    Still throughout this time
    you fill my head, with false hope

    Now the love has turned to hate
    the friendship we had have been tore
    So with the Silent Daggers of Hatred
    I shall kill what I felt before.

    Submitted on 2006-02-02 05:40:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well its been awhile since i commented on ur work please forgive me. i really liked this poem i liked the flow to it. its going up on my favorites. and whoever you wrote this for im sorry to be them.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by lil_gh0st_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      The structure is awkward and unweildy. It distracts the eye and ear. I realize that choppy can be a legitimate poetic technic, but it's very hard to do well, and I don't think you have achieved it here.

    As for the content, it is, perhaps, a little too narrative, more like a story than a poem. More importantly than that, it didn't move me. I didn't feel the emotion behind the piece. I would try to revise the structure of this in a bigway, and then take a look at content. Look for ways to make this easier on eye and ear.
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      I know the rhyme is off but like it said on top is a melody, the change of rhyme meant a change in mood

    Jose J. Ortiz
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with DeepDreamer in that the rhyme scheme needs looking at. Half the poem rhymes and the other half doesn't and when this happens, the reader, who was caught up in the flow at the beginning, gets thrown and loses interest. That's a shame when the wording of the poem and the storyline is good. It would be great to see an edited version of this when you have had time to look at it again. I'm nitpicking here but in the first stanza, last line, you have written 'you're'and this I think, should be 'your' a common mistake but one that really winds me up lol. Take care. Mel.
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
      This needs quite some work. I think maybe the rhyme scheme was too strict and lacking in creativity. You can come up with a beatiful flowing rhyme with little effort if you try out different styles. In the first three stanzas the rhyme restricted your words a lot and then the rhyme scheme was just lost in the fourth. You either do "abcb" for each stanza alone, or you stick to the same "b" all way through.

    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]

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