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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thing to Take Caredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 815
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1148



    Description:
       I've just finished writing this peice and I think the subject is so clear to everybody. I hope you will all like it and I want you all to help me choosing a suitable title for it and comment whatever you want, I want to know the parts I have been lucky in and the parts I have mistakes in.....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThing to Take Caredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Everybody has their own affairs
    But I've something to take care
    I've to look after that lovely
    little tree of our love story
    The one I've thrown its
    Seeds with my own hands
    Keeping an eye on it.....
    Dreaming to see it growing faster.

    Everybody has their own affairs
    But I've only one thing to take care
    Have to keep that dangerous stern
    Of that little ship striaght forward
    To make it able to face that harsh
    waves, dreaming with the day
    It will sail safely, reach the
    land of peace ........

    Everybody has their own affairs
    But I've a special thing to take care
    How to make that bridge of trusting
    Each others stronger and stronger
    To pass and fillful our dreams

    Everybody has their own affairs
    But I've something to take care
    How to make you love me as
    I do, How to make you melt in my soul
    How to increase the ties between us.
    All I want is to make my dreams come
    To be true and always be with you.




    Submitted on 2006-02-02 08:50:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey as promised I am here to comment on your poem. I like it. Cuz it is all about your emotions. It expresses your feelings and that is the best part of your poem. I like the metaphors you use in this one.

    For the title I have a suggestion maybe you should name it „the love tree". It is just a suggestion. Your title is just fine and suits well, if you don’t want to change it, it will be ok.

    Again you have done a very good job, you really love her a lot she is a very lucky girl.
    With love shabnam
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a sweet and honest poem you have here. Very touching and enjoyable to read. I have a couple of suggestions for you. Now this may sound like it is coming from a woman, but it is so here goes. I suggest changing the line "Everybody has his own affairs" to either 'Everybody has their own affairs' or 'Every man has his own affairs'. It just reads better to me as "everybody" is certainly not a "his". But see, I told ya it it coming from a woman! hee hee! Also 'throwen' should be 'thrown'. But otherwise, I really like this poem. It is a sweet and heartfelt love poem which really expresses your feelings very well. Nice job. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      For a title I like

    Thing to Take Care

    That has a nice feel of alliteration. It also fits the theme of the poem without telling the reader too much.

    This has nice sentiments and wonderful things on which to build your life.

    Good job!

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I know this seems really obvious, and not original, but you could just title it "Everybody has his own affairs" just as an alternative until you find the title you like most.
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by vanhokinshtyl | [ Reply to This ]
      I like that this is an honest poem about facing life together with someone. There are some grammatical errors. Like using two words ending in -ing in the same sentence. As for titles, I tend towards simple, such as "Affairs."
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by nolram | [ Reply to This ]


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