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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untreasureddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.75 - 1360/1263/81
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1380
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 674



    Description:
       very raw and a perfect example of why we should all wait until sobering up before posting...I'm guessing this is for a limited time only


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntreasureddots
    -------------------------------------------


    sideways minifields of grass and weeds
    rest between concrete streets
    on freeways built for speed
    a happy median
    of trash smashed and scattered
    life's waste, placed spaced
    between life's need to slow down

    on the ground we find
    what haste left behind
    time marked by scraps of crap
    unwanted
    piles of history
    undaunted
    left to linger
    as the future shuns the past
    a drive-by need to forget
    excess dispensed
    no regret
    a pace that leaves leaves
    with company
    to be raked into infamy
    eternally

    forgotten




    Submitted on 2006-02-03 01:06:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well hello.

    i sort of understand it.
    the repetition compulsion even in the details. the modern mix of nature and man and the gray bitter harmony we live in without much complaint. until we die.

    such a sad poem. but a good one. x
    | Posted on 2008-12-01 00:00:00 | by vampina | [ Reply to This ]
      Your drunk is better than my sober. For instance, the word "rest" (L2) is perfect. Much better than lie. "Rest" implies peacefulness beside the concrete rush of cars. Good alliteration. Only one objection. The last word implies some relationship with the transcendent. I suggest "repeatedly", or "hypnotically" - something that suggests the repetition without making it seem permanent.
    I agree with the others: Do NOT delete.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Absolutely loved this thought provoking piece.

    sideways minifields of grass and weeds
    rest between concrete streets
    on freeways built for speed
    a happy median

    Builds a picture well in myhead of a motorway.

    of trash smashed and scattered
    life's waste, placed spaced
    between life's need to slow down

    I felt lots of sadness with these lines. There is a great need methinks for life to slow down. Thrwoing away our rubbish is like a mirror of how we try to ignore and throw away what we consider "wrong" in ourselves. See part of us as rubbish and drive as fast as you can to avoid looking at it!

    on the ground we find
    what haste left behind
    time marked by scraps of crap
    unwanted
    piles of history

    This made me think of dog poo! Piles of historic crap lol. Also made me think of the history that we do leave behind in our waste. I like the fact that waste can be recycled. Maybe we will all learn to recycle the bits that are no longer working effectively in ourselves soon.

    undaunted
    left to linger
    as the future shuns the past

    Doesnt it just. When will people realise the treasures that can be found and tranformed/evolved in the past.

    a drive-by need to forget
    excess dispensed
    no regret
    a pace that leaves leaves
    with company
    to be raked into infamy
    eternally

    forgotten

    forgotten but never truly gone!

    Wonderful wonderful thought provoking write. Thankyou!

    kate
    x
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      No, no, no. This is not about litter, or the homeless, or life's waste. This is much bigger than that. This is about Man's journey on this planet. History repeats itself. We learn History so as not to repeat our mistakes. So, you have left us with the question, "Will the future be cleaner?" Like that median that keeps getting littered, so does Man's history. Mistake after mistake, litters his journey through time.

    "time marked scraps of crap"
    "unwanted / pieces of history"
    "as the future shuns the past"

    Please, let us learn from the picked up pieces of "crap" from that median. Let's not go on repeating the same dumb mistakes of our forebears. Let's not leave those lessons,

    "eternally / forgotten".

    Dave, give us hope fot the future of mankind!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Well since your journal is quoting Kerouac, I'll just throw out a Ginsbergish "first thought, best thought" whether the influence you are under is poetic, alcoholic or halucinagenic.
    This was vividly rich in imagery and edgy enough to feel fresh to me. So what's the deal with the son? Paged back through your journals a ways and didn't find the end of the thread.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I can't say much that hasn't been said, so I'll say this... don't, for the love of god, delete this one. This would be excellent with just a small amount of edits (for an example of such edits, see the comments that have come before... hehe)... I think this has great potential.

    -Jer
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there Dave! What to say about this piece. First off, I grew up in Flint and have witness first hand the waisted life on the streets of that dirty city. Most were friends of mine. Never slowing down and coming down from the high long enough to think how precious life is. It flies by so fast and it seems as if the best way to control it is to just forget. After all, how can you find anything beautiful in destructiveness?

    I think that this piece more represents that distructiveness that people pour onto themselves. We can't slow down because if we do we will get lost in time. Time moves so fast that we must move with it. We choose to forget the past, forget the trash, forget the death. Its easier than remembering it.

    As for posting while intoxicated, isn't that the best way? Your mind is freer, theres no blocks or restrictions, common sense completely leaves. I do my best writing when I'm that way. Maybe that is my problem, I haven't had a drink in a long time. I think its times for one, time for another write. So cheers my friend, this drink is on me.

    Hope I summed this piece up the way it was intended to be, if not then I'll have a drink and read it again.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    p.s. Its great to see you posting again, and even greater to know that everything is working out for your son. It is a shame though that Eminem is retiring. LOL
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      raw yes, but it packs its punch and sends its
    message powerfully. the title "untreasured"
    is perfect, for how can we treasure the beauty
    of the earth if we soil it with garbage..? i've
    never understood people who blatantly litter
    and find no fault in that, like the world is one
    big trash can for their use. it's enough to send
    me into a bit of a rage..

    i liked the click of the rhythm as i read it..
    it gave the feel of not caring about the
    earth, like someone just skippin' along in
    oblivion and trashing the beauty.

    thanks Dave.

    peace&love,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      You make trash on the side of roads interesting. It takes a real writer to do something like that.

    I love how you say "life's waste, placed spaced/between life's need to slow down" because it's freakin true!

    Everyone needs to slow their pace down in life because life goes by so quickly. It's a shame that we never know how short life is and how "untreasured" it is until something tragic happens. :S

    This has a lot of symbolic meaning. You could direct this to homeless people on the street being forgotten about or even family members that you don't see that often because the pace of life blows you in so many directions you don't feel you have enough time to visit them.

    The reality of this piece is to treasure life, people, and the earth. Life only comes around once.

    Great piece.

    You did a great job posting tipsy I might add. ;)

    I'm glad to see you posting again, even if it was under the influence.
    Take care,
    -blt
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think that you need to sober up before posting. Some of my best stuff is written while in drunk or after staying awake for days (You know, those systematic deragements of the senses). I think a lot of polished work should have kept the edges because it often fails to cut through to my poor brain/ heart.

    sideways minifields of grass and weeds
    rest between concrete streets
    on freeways built for speed
    a happy median
    of trash smashed and scattered
    life's waste, placed spaced
    between life's need to slow down

    I like how miniflields reminds me of minefields, so that's cool, but I think "freeways built for speed" is a wee bit overused, but it also fits perfectly into, so I can't say anything other than it works. I'm on the fence about "life's waste, placed spaced." It's either a tongue twister or a wonderfully musical line. "lifes need to slow down" is a nice line because we all want to make it last forever, but we can only do a wee bit to help that.

    on the ground we find
    what haste left behind
    time marked by scraps of crap

    OK, I do admit that I think the rhyme could be a bit less common and "poetic" (Crap isn't the most musical word or idea).

    unwanted
    piles of history
    undaunted
    left to linger
    as the future shuns the past
    a drive-by need to forget
    excess dispensed
    no regret
    a pace that leaves leaves
    with company
    to be raked into infamy
    eternally

    forgotten

    I think it might be nice if you'd find something about driving or the road instead of bringing in leaves.

    It's great to see you posting again, Amy
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      well for the most part i've been staying back and only reading these posts since there's, oh, a million comments all over your page. you don't need to hear how well your pieces are, so i won't even go there. the reason i finally posted to your site is to applaud the disjointed rhyming you created. i hate hate hate reading poems that are forced into a structure just so they have rhthym. the way you switch between connecting different lines of prose and then separating them suddenly is my absolute favorite style of writing. it feels so much more honest when a writer doesn't force his words into a pattern.
    not a very deep comment, i know, but that's only because what the hell is left to say. i'll be keeping up with your works.
    peace out.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I definately get the idea that the world is being trashed and we are forgetting the true beginnings of it. I can say that the wording was ok, but I would try to use better words. For instance, the word "crap" is not that pretty of a word. I think things like that bring the overall message down. I also think it could have been explained a little more. It was a good idea. And being sober definately helps when posting. (^_^)

    Forever,
    Lilithe
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
      The ideas resonate in this poem and the imagery/symbolism is very powerful because we can relate and have all seen it. On those fronts I give you high marks for being able to reach the reader...the poem works on many levels but there are also the many people who don't litter and who do hate that [censored] all over the road-side and so...on that score "life history" is not forgotten.

    The rhyme slam didn't work for me since there were usually words which could have been a better fit...however...I don't think you should throw away those passages since there are fixes for the problems which would see them become strong parts in the poem. If you look at the nature of the elements in the metaphor and then some of the additional endrhyme choices that remain at large you could rework those places quite affectively without changing too much...If you can't see the forest for the trees or think I'm a crack whore then just holler and I'll try and give you an example but I believe you have all the tools in your belt.

    Your work's strong because it hits the mark and there's an honest sort of depth to that.

    Nice to see you getting back to it.

    DB
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... uh... Em's gone through this rather thoroughly and I think that her suggestions merit further thought - after reading it I understand how you could merge her awareness of restructuring/retouching it into your vision.

    As this poem stands, I too find it wonderfully reminiscent of a slam-style sort of poetry - spoken word yea, you dig yea (lol), and the sonic wordplay you've imparted is a lush mindscape to me that I can readily feed my taste for lyricism upon...

    This poem speaks to me about the incessant pace of life that comes with living in the city... people just don't stop to smell the roses... it's just the next destination to them and fuck the journey there, know what I mean? A lot of us live way too fast for our own good... sometimes we need to apply some brakes and just roll with it, enjoy the wine of life, as such.

    There's not much else that I can say, except I thought that this was a treat to read for sure.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent. I agree that the enviroment and the people around us are to often undervalued, and in this forceful poem you really make us consider that. I really loved the contrast in the stanza lengths, the second being syllbalically shorter really meant that we got the idea of increased spead. I also love how the highway is used to illustrate the (sometimes dizzying) speed of life, and how the rhythm: strong, fast and ferious reinforces that. To this end I would keep 'placed spaced'.

    Take care,
    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this was a very good read. Now I'm not going to leave you as long as a comment as Haecceity did cause that would be stupid and pointless and I don't have much to say anyways. I have to say I like how you used a highway in this situation. It does show if you are not on the highway you are on the grassy strips in the middle watching everything pass you by really fast. Its basically an example of when your drunk which I'm guessing is what you were meaning to do is show that everything kind of slows down or my other guess would be what Haecceity said. This is a really nice read and I hope others get to reading this sometime soon cause its good. Oh, I don't have any critiscism on structure or anything of the sort so good job. .


    Brenna
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really well writen. i like it a lot my favorite lines are "unwanted
    piles of history
    undaunted
    left to linger
    as the future shuns the past" its just so interesting to think of things left behind like that. i like the way your mind works :-D keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by H.a.n.n.a.h | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is aesome. it's so vibrant. idk i don't really have too much to say but i hate when people add something to their favs and don't leave a comment, and this is a fav. so thanks for a good write. and sorry for lack of any new ideas on it
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      you know... i read this and thought "he's writing my world"
    ethiopia is so like this and while you are talking about trash i cant help but think that the poor ppl here in Addis Ababa are trash too in the eyes of their society...

    here i walk with my head down looking at the ground but not because i dont wanna look up but rather coz i dont wanna a) step in something dodgy and b) wanna break my neck/fall over coz the roads are so unroadlike here... but where i am actually going with this is... it is fascinating the things that have been discarded by the side of the road... i have actually started a collection of photos of dead shoes... there are shoe soles and uppers and heels and everything... its the maddest sight... but yeah... i read this write and i think wow...
    i really dont know what to say... ive tried to write about what i see here and i just plain cant... i have no words for anything...
    anyways... im glad i got a chance to stop by and read this... thank you for putting my current world into words...
    take care of you
    ciao for now
    jaydee
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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