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    dots Submission Name: Pseudophantasmicsdots

    Author: shatila
    ASL Info:    17/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 68/63/16
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1249
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1600

       i couldn't sleep from too much thinking. not the first time.. phooey.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The cold of dusk lacerates my open eyes.
    And for the longest time
    I have been remote from the world.
    Names and faces are escape artists.
    I am the confinement.
    I don't always win.
    Except when i am mixed and molded and bolted in.
    Still, dreams escape me best.

    Yet tonight was different.
    As soon as,
    Welcome, consciousness!
    They race against each other, these contrived breaths.
    Whatís even more is the fact that

    I remembered.

    I dreamt everything was a lie.
    Iím a sucker for promises.
    Trust is suicide.
    I dreamt you chose someone over someone else.
    Elsa or Elsie. That shouldíve been my name.
    I dreamt I was left to be alone now.
    I am not used to that.
    The post-depression devil was right.
    What we had was a dreamerís last pas de deux
    And that I
    Really never should have tried oxygen or anything like it.
    Because I knew I would like it.
    I didnít know I would like you.

    Love makes the prettiest marshmallows out of igneous rocks.
    It tolerates you to sleep on the truth.
    Come to think of it
    I donít remember waking up.
    ...And I thought my brother was the biggest bitch Iíd ever encounter.

    Good Morning, Miss Conceptions.

    Submitted on 2006-02-03 14:23:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This certainly holds readers attention. You have some great lines and interesting wordplay. The piece has a mark of the state you were in while writing it (canít sleep-too much thinking). I think that itís good when a poem has an atmosphere of its own, but in this case I think that the state of ďnot sleeping too much thinkingĒ overcome you. So the piece is kind of random and vague. With some tying up it would be much better.
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem has the feel of reading a dream or being in a dream. You did a great job with this. lots of metaphors and imagery. you made your point about a overactive very well. Keep up the good work.

    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Love makes the prettiest marshmallows out of igneous rocks.

    This line should be in a collection of quotations.

    This is fantastic. I like the ride and flow akin to a dream state. The images are truly enticing and inviting.

    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I will play privy to disagreement in this fantastic muddle. What an inspiring use of words you have. And for only 17! I must admit, at 20 I have definitely seen a few words but NEVER psuedophantasmics. You are quite an extraordinary writer. Keep it up and don't give in. I really enjoy your work.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Dark_Dancer | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece beacouse of its theme, but I agree with Pietro, you have some very good opoutunities with this but I think, again, some editing and re-wording and it will be even better.Not bad for a new user.

    Welcome to the site.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by giver_of_death | [ Reply to This ]
      this one had some fairly interesting, colorful and if not ingenius metaphors and clever wordplay to boot.

    comes off as a bit childish and immature, but the sharp pen is obviously there. but it can even be sharper.

    welcome to the site.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]

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