Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pseudophantasmicsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shatila
    ASL Info:    17/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 68/63/16
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 816
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1600



    Description:
       i couldn't sleep from too much thinking. not the first time.. phooey.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPseudophantasmicsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The cold of dusk lacerates my open eyes.
    And for the longest time
    I have been remote from the world.
    Names and faces are escape artists.
    I am the confinement.
    I don't always win.
    Except when i am mixed and molded and bolted in.
    Still, dreams escape me best.

    Yet tonight was different.
    As soon as,
    Welcome, consciousness!
    They race against each other, these contrived breaths.
    Unusual?
    Whatís even more is the fact that

    I remembered.

    I dreamt everything was a lie.
    Iím a sucker for promises.
    Trust is suicide.
    I dreamt you chose someone over someone else.
    Elsa or Elsie. That shouldíve been my name.
    I dreamt I was left to be alone now.
    I am not used to that.
    The post-depression devil was right.
    What we had was a dreamerís last pas de deux
    And that I
    Really never should have tried oxygen or anything like it.
    Because I knew I would like it.
    I didnít know I would like you.

    Love makes the prettiest marshmallows out of igneous rocks.
    It tolerates you to sleep on the truth.
    Come to think of it
    I donít remember waking up.
    ...And I thought my brother was the biggest bitch Iíd ever encounter.

    Good Morning, Miss Conceptions.




    Submitted on 2006-02-03 14:23:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This certainly holds readers attention. You have some great lines and interesting wordplay. The piece has a mark of the state you were in while writing it (canít sleep-too much thinking). I think that itís good when a poem has an atmosphere of its own, but in this case I think that the state of ďnot sleeping too much thinkingĒ overcome you. So the piece is kind of random and vague. With some tying up it would be much better.
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem has the feel of reading a dream or being in a dream. You did a great job with this. lots of metaphors and imagery. you made your point about a overactive very well. Keep up the good work.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Love makes the prettiest marshmallows out of igneous rocks.

    This line should be in a collection of quotations.


    This is fantastic. I like the ride and flow akin to a dream state. The images are truly enticing and inviting.

    Nice work!
    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I will play privy to disagreement in this fantastic muddle. What an inspiring use of words you have. And for only 17! I must admit, at 20 I have definitely seen a few words but NEVER psuedophantasmics. You are quite an extraordinary writer. Keep it up and don't give in. I really enjoy your work.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Dark_Dancer | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece beacouse of its theme, but I agree with Pietro, you have some very good opoutunities with this but I think, again, some editing and re-wording and it will be even better.Not bad for a new user.

    Welcome to the site.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by giver_of_death | [ Reply to This ]
      this one had some fairly interesting, colorful and if not ingenius metaphors and clever wordplay to boot.

    comes off as a bit childish and immature, but the sharp pen is obviously there. but it can even be sharper.

    welcome to the site.
    | Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    89961

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Freelance Grafiker Ankara - √Ėzel Ders Ankara written by bbkagp
    The Demon in my Bed written by ThtDizzyDreamer
    Soul shattered written by Passionbyapathy
    We Smile as We Suffer written by Esophagus1
    Y (i'll tell you why) written by cornonthekob
    an old modern day proverb written by gwenn sundala
    Monarch Butterflies written by poetotoe
    Lexicon of Listlessness written by Narna
    painful changes written by gwenn sundala
    piontlessly crazy written by SetmyselfonFire
    musings on death written by gwenn sundala
    Do You See It written by Windigo
    rubric system/ just punch it in (let the machine) written by pioneerheart
    that one bar written by etheror
    Scarlet Fever written by kase
    in sad blue ( iam now wavy, lost wav pw..tillthen written by wavy
    DNA's Moon Dance written by monad
    Systems written by Daniel Barlow
    Paying the price. written by Narna
    sad blue opening lines written by wav
    The Actions Reaction written by Forgiven
    Sour written by Passionbyapathy
    Flavourless written by kase
    Whispering Wind written by Swimming Bird
    Tamed written by lolaxelmo
    The Beautiful Losers written by Silverdog
    The first five minutes written by Narna
    L√ĄPPLE written by Sethesin
    musings of an autumn day written by gwenn sundala
    Did I lay in the regolith written by AsiaticFox

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry