I really, really like this piece. There are only minimal critiques I can think of. Step on my toes line could be lengthened to keep the easy rythm of the piece... you could make it like, dancing over my toes, or something. Also, the tense is messed up a bit in the Till I fell to my broken knees verse. You could fix it by changing Till I fell to my broken knees, to So I fall to my broken knees. Your rhyme scheme is pretty sweet, you seem like you'd be good at writing lyrics. Peace, man. -rue
i liked the emotion you put into it.anger an hatred...but over all it twas really good anyway.i shall add it to my favorites list.anyway keep writing...later
I'm wondering why, as i read through your poem, the words flowed right out of my mouth (figuratively speaking) in a pace so fast, that I could feel the intensity of the hate you evoke, line after line, as if I were in your shoes. Clever ending, how you repeated the first stanza. Gives a chance for the reader to cool down, impressing a bitter aftertaste. Seriously, I am still wearing a bad frown right now.
If this how you intended your poem to be received, well then you have a winner right here!
Submission Name: Fall For Me
