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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: never seendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: my pain
    ASL Info:    16/F/aust
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 191/123/39
    Words: 45
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 817
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 345



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnever seendots
    -------------------------------------------


    waiting, for someone to see,
    the stolen memories,
    that are never seen,

    just....waiting to find,
    a sky lined with lace,
    ....a nightmare...a dream,
    to finnally reveal its paled face.

    waiting to hear,
    words of remorse,

    waiting to fear,
    the world itself.




    Submitted on 2006-02-03 21:58:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The little fragments of stone and man-made assembly, crushing us from the inside out, everybody things they are doing whats right by pulling the blackened hairs all the way to another dead end, but they are just sacrificing another soft stone for a little more masking tape. No one is listening to me, no one can see whats special, cause the most unique thing is not only caged up, but buried behind all that rock and fleshy matter that all these so-called happy smiles have papered up their livingroom walls with.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Reckoner | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice little write you have here. Nice imagery …I just loved the sky lined with lace … that was great ….

    I think this was easy to relate to … I mean, dunno … you seem crushed and highly dejected ….

    As for critiques, I’d say that you may consider changing the comma - right at the end of the first stanza- by a period taking account that you need to have a pause there so as to move onto the subsequent line without stains. Your call though.

    Then, as for stanza 3 … there’s a minor typo regarding the word “finally”, take a look at it.

    The rest is ok … I would’ve liked a more piercing like ending though … but that’s merely a matter of taste.


    Nicely written,

    Warm regards,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      Firstly, ending every line with a comma really breaks up the flow. Just having the break is enough of a pause most of the time.

    Secondly, it should be "finally".

    And now I've silenced the pedant gnawing within, I can happily move on to the meaning. To me it's about being in no man's land, being in a stage where there's no direction, just a hope (perhaps desperate) that things will get better, or worse, because even downwards is a direction.

    As a final bit of advice I'd maybe expand it a bit, try and make it more unique to yourself. Right now it's just a description of a feeling and adding a character or an event, even simply hinting at one, would anchor the meaning.

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      ... can be very effective if used in the right place. I think on this line '...a nightmare...a dream,' it didn't belong. Try replacing the ... with commas.
    (a nightmare, a dream.)

    I liked the repititon of the word 'waiting'. This repititon helped to emphersise the fact you were 'waiting'. It also sounded as if you were sick of 'waiting', though I dunno if that's just me.

    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice poem I like it short and to the point yet very big imagination! Nice visual! Everyone is waiting for something or someone! While you are waiting for someone to steal your memories I am waiting for someone to steal my pain I guess in the end we all wait nice piece, peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]


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