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    dots Submission Name: Meeting Again (revised)dots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 876
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 611

       the last of the revised versions of Meeting Again. Tell me what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMeeting Again (revised)dots

    I let the wind draw ice sculptures from my breath,
    And play with them, and break them,
    Leaving only dunes of ashes and white sleeves
    To billow in the shadows.

    I let you draw me close to you -again -
    You took my hand in yours and showed me
    How to glide, so smoothly, through the floor,
    Like an underwater gymnast.

    I let you watch me cry -though you don't know this -
    With closed eyelids, tantalizing hints.
    I let you braid my lashes to the night and marry
    The break of cosmos, slipping in between my lips.

    Submitted on 2006-02-04 00:34:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      If this was the first poem of yours I had ever read?
    I would say do it again please.
    | Posted on 2011-01-01 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      God...this is beautiful. It seems at once like total immersion in the things of nature, and a desperate longing to be a part of it.

    Your turns of phrase are beautiful. I especially like the image of your breath becoming frost...being sculpted and ultimately shattered at nature's whim.

    A few suggested tweaks in my view, that might help it to glide:

    "leaving only dunes of ashes..."


    "like an underwater acrobat...(or some such image)"

    I think that swimming underwater sounds a bit redundant, but its up to you.

    This is my first encounter with your writing, and i can tell you i will return to read more. You're on to something here.

    be well,
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]

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