Description: I'm not sure what I think about this one; I know that I was trying to express something about the night, but I'm not completely sure that I achieved it. Feedback would definitely be appreciated.
EDITED: 2/4/2006, especially the third verse
Stars in the Night -------------------------------------------
The moon was glowing tonight
Just like she always does
Shining and bright
Accompanied by silent stars
Twinkling throughout the night
It was a night in which lovers could sit
On a porch swing or a park bench
Whispering sweet nothings in each others ears
Hush and you can hear the moonlight
It’s nothing you cannot bear
And by the bay
(Underneath the Golden Gate)
A painter stood
Working hard at his easel
To gain all insight he could
But the moon glowed tonight
Throughout a glorious night
Forever quiet, forever at peace
Not alone but accompanied by
Stars that can forever be seen
Hey. Thanks for your comment. I have recently just read this poem actually and attempting leaving a comment, but my computer gave way just as I finished. *sigh* but here I am, to try yet again. Hopefully the message can be delivered this time :P. Anyway, I just wanted to say, that I really liked it. I hadn't seen the original un-edited version, but as far as this version goes I wouldn't worry about changing anything. It was really sweet, and it made me think of those still nights. Nothing has the ability to disturb the peace of the moon and 'her' stars.
The reason I quoted 'her' as I did above, was actually to point out that I love the way you did that in your poem. The beginning of the story when you addressed the moon as a female. Personification always gets me, it always comes off sounding unique, even if it's been done before - which isn't the case here that I know of, so no worries anyway ;). Really nice job here!
I liked that write, It was nice and pleasent. The moon is always a beautiful thing.
A painter stood Working hard at his easel To gain all insight he could
I really like that part, well keep up the good work, I am going to check some of your other writes out, if you have time I would appreciate if you could check some of my writes out.
i loved the first and last verses, very magical, i agree with one of the other comments that said it got a little trivial in the middle but i believe its got the makings of a really good poem, i really enjoy reading people's poetry about the night and this is good, especially the last verse, top notch.
you definatly captured something of the moonlight in the first part...and then screwed it into a metaphorically tiny ball and threw it away with this part; "And in the cities around The cars all ran by Zooming and zipping with their harried Passengers all trying to get everything done Knowing they simply couldn’t tarry" it just breaks it all up and makes it trivial. you had magic in the first part and the last stanza, please think about what i've said, cause its so sad to see a great poem offered up then completly shot down by a bad call. you sound like youre more talented than that. id love to see this rewritten but its your poem so do what you see fit part from that little rant, loved the rest, sarah x
ah.. the memories of romantic evenings spent pondering the universe, life, love and the harmonious accoustics of city life. 'stars in the night' was well easy to read and created an image i had no problem relating to. memories of similar evenings spent with someone special lasted long after i had finished reading this piece. thank you for sharing this work, i thoroughly enjoyed it. my only suggestion is to be watchful of tence used. am not sure if the second line is out of tense or not. perhaps i am reading it wrong.
Well let me start by saying you picked one of my favorite topics to write about...THE STARS lol.Just from me reading the first stanza I started to have a lil flashback which is always a plus in my book, I didn't have to think much while reading this which is also a plus, there's nothing more relaxing then gazing up at the stars with the person you enjoy being with and bringing them into your little world of relaxtion.But the major pluses is that it just had a good feel to it and made me a bit relaxed(im using this word alot huh) and made me wanna grab my girl and go do just that its just so "romantic" lol. Well into next time 1 love
Submission Name: Stars in the Night
