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To pray to no one

Author: freeangel
ASL Info:    22/female/bournemouth
Elite Ratio:    3.59 - 87 /117 /110
Words: 232
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1089
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1444


Hi, i have been trying to write something to express this feeling for so long but always fail to get the point across, this fascination with the natural world. well here is my latest attempt, some feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!

To pray to no one

To pray to no one

Beautiful eyes that shine like stars,
A warmth inside the darkest of caves, to be taken to the furthest star.
To ride the starlit waves and pray to no one.

If there is nothing on the other side,
If darkness presses where we imagine otherworldly life,
If the stars that shine onto the sea,
The eye of the moon, the soft grass licking at my feet,
Have no maker, no benevolent mind working behind the scenes.
Where, oh where, does this feeling originate.

Wanting to know there is something, covering the flowers in their translucent silk
In the early morning, bursting into flames at the sunset,
That oneness with the natural world we all feel at this time.
Something protecting it all from harm.

Where does this feeling come from? The heart, the senses, enchanted.
Flying high above the evil and seeing what is under the black paint,
Silhouetted at first but then uncovered in its ethereal exquisite fullness.
Flying high above and seeing the world as a bird does, beautiful and without pain,
The sun rises, the sun sets, the moon watches over all in between.
This can’t be just a fluke.
There has to be something up there that chases the clouds away and sows the seeds of enchantment.

Live, dream, wish that we pray and someone listens.

Submitted on 2006-02-04 09:24:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like your message here -- wondering about the cosmos, is there a god, and does He even care if he does exist, etc. However, the poem is awfully cluttered. A lot of the lines are way too long, you mention stars too many times, and it seems like you try too hard to come up with poetic images, translucent silk flowers etc. I think you need to cut this down, trim it, simplify it, so that your really awesome message shows through.
| Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by blackpearl | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah I hope too there's someone listening.
This has a very meaningful message. How can the world exist with no creator? Such things around us cannot have been created from nothing.
'To pray to no one' the thought that this could be true seems slightly scary and you begin to wonder if there is much point in living.

I'm not too keen on all the 'If's starting off the lines on the third verse thing down. Maybe you should consider changing it.

I can't really say if you managed to accomplish writing all your thoughts and feelings into this poem because obviously I don't know them. But you did get at least some of them out in a beautifully written piece.
| Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]

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