Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Amantesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Phoenix2004
    ASL Info:    17/Female/MA
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 695/470/103
    Words: 469
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 1068
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2957



    Description:
       A few things about this. One, it changes pace a few times, so at some parts it's slow and others (after the Portuguese) it's gets faster. Two, as stated in the previous sentence, the random language in the middle of the poem is Portuguese. The translation is provided below. The title "Amantes" means "lovers."

    Meu coração, me' rei (My heart, my king)
    Te preciso bichinho (I need you, "bichinho" is the nickname I've given him)
    Para sempre, te amarei carinho (Forever I will love you sweetheart)
    O sol em meu céu (The sun in my sky)
    Sem seu amor, no posso viver (Without your love I cannot live)
    Sem você, somente posso morrer (Without you, I can only die)

    Rainha sozinha (Lonely queen)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAmantesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    His eyes reflect the hopes and dreams of my soul
    In his voice I hear an angelic chorus
    Playing only for the two of us
    Something so wrong that feels so right
    His kiss is the sweetest temptation and sin
    I can't believe this feeling that he gives
    He makes me rise like the sun over the horizon
    Paradise exists everytime that we touch
    A thousand days with him is never too much
    I could never get enough
    Of feeling bliss everytime that he wraps his arms around me
    I'll forever let his arms surround me
    Was lost but he found me
    Nursing a broken heart from the past
    Swore the next time I fell in love would be my last
    Funny how it happened so fast
    But everything happens for a reason
    I've learned never to let love fade with the change of seasons
    Through winter and summer, through spring and fall
    In love, we're lifted up on angel's wings
    Never to deny the joy that the other brings
    He makes my heart sing
    He makes my voice ring out to the heavens above
    God, I thank you for blessing me with this special love
    Can't explain why I'm caught up
    But who am I to deny that everytime I look into his eyes
    He makes my heart smile inside
    Who am I to say
    That his love wasn't my soul's saving grace
    That his smile is what saw me through to a brighter day
    Meu coração, me' rei
    Te preciso, bichinho
    Para sempre te amarei, carinho
    O sol em meu céu
    Sem seu amor não posso viver
    Sem você, somento posso morrer

    Honestly the truth is
    His love is so splendid
    I feel the need to praise him in a Romance language
    But never tainted
    I'm not jaded, more like elated, I'm optimistic
    That this love could be the link that my soul was missing
    Truly a vision
    Never thought that I would find Heaven on Earth
    But the day he entered my life I witnessed my heart's rebirth
    I'm able to conclude my search
    I found my happiness on that fateful January night
    When with one sweet kiss he set my whole world right
    My future in his eyes
    I realize all good things come in due time
    And falling in love is never a crime
    And to him I sign
    This declaration of eternal, everlasting love
    With my only witness being God above
    My beautiful, gentle dove
    The sovereign of my heart has finally taken his throne
    And in his arms I've found a place that I can call home
    I could forever live in his embrace
    But I just sit and thank God for the day
    That this rainha sozinha finally found her rei




    Submitted on 2006-02-04 12:20:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. .. .. .. ... Good.

    The betrayed: Saint Kairo
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Saint | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure, exactly, what to think of this. You are right-the pace did change...a lot. I speak Portuguese as well, so I would like to nitpick a few things in those lines:

    "Meu coracao, me' rei"
    [I believe "me'" is supposed to be "meu"...But I suppose "me'" is slang?]

    "Te preciso bichinho"
    [Maybe you should add a coma between "preciso" and "bichinho"...I liked how you call him "little animal" though ]

    "Para sempre, te amarei carinho"
    ["Para sempre te amarei, carinho"]


    At one point in this poem, you're talking about God's grace and His perfection that has been implemented in your boyfriend/lover. But next, your language is set-back, less elegant as it was before when you spoke of the "heavenly grace." I also don't know what to make of the rhyming scheme. At the beginning I thought there was none; later in the poem it eventually developed, but didn't remain constant...I also feel you tried too hard in some lines to make them rhyme. A poem is just as good without rhyming. The flow was very disproportionate, which then made it this a somewhat difficult read. Another thing, you lack punctuation, which also contributes to the difficulty of an even flow. I recommend you remove "Excuse me, I'm sorry / Let me switch back to English / His love so good that he got me speaking a different language." These lines take away all the poetic traits this piece has, they're grammatically incorrect, and wear down the poem. Try for something more romantic: "His love, so splendid / Praised in Romance languages"..or something else that could match this piece better. One last thing, if you remove the parenthesised "lovers" from the title, the title could work better...you could include the translation for "amantes" in your description, but applying it to the title can (negatively) change first impressions. On the other hand, I thought this was a very sweet piece..your boyfriend would love it even more with revisions.


    Azrael
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by Tears of Azrael | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    90056

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Live In Between written by teika5
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry