Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Weeping Willowsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tears of Azrael
    ASL Info:    14/F/Lost
    Elite Ratio:    5.47 - 107/102/25
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 796
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 678



    Description:
       A very simple poem...didn't really come from anywhere, specifically...I feel there's a stanza missing between the third and fourth ones, but I cannot think of what to include there. There is also repetition in the flow of those two stanzas, all the more reason for an extra stanza. Any suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWeeping Willowsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Be still, my pounding heart,"
    She whispers to the trees,
    "That which love comes by
    Is so fleeting, like the breeze."

    In haunted dreams he came,
    A silhouette for the darkening sky,
    Sighs speaking of, despairingly,
    As the darkness draws on nigh.

    "In the forests of my heart,
    He so enchantingly gaited.
    For whom does this figure stand--?
    It was for me he softly waited."

    "But listen to the cry of the birds--
    It is for me they bleakly sing..."
    Cries of a heart left aside,
    And a hand that bears no ring.




    Submitted on 2006-02-04 14:26:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You're quite right, this could use some revision to clarify some of the content and unusual word choices ( 'on nigh" in S2, L4 is very odd, and grinds the piece to a halt midstream; also, the entire second stanza stumbles about without saying much). I'd consider revising the entire poem and resubmitting it (after deciding whether to keep the tight rhyme scheme or abandon it for something a little looser). You have the first draft of something interesting here, keep writing. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a good poem, i liked the verbal use. really great. im not sure i could feel anything though, no emotion really took hold of me, but thats just me, think nothing of it. i think that your right that there should be a stanza in between the 3rd and 4th one. it could be used to explain alot more of why 'he' was there. just my opinion though, i cant think of what it would say, so i guess my comment isn't really that useful, sorry. but i did like it. its like a passage from a story, and i think thats cool. good job.


    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    90065

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry