Frangipani by Th

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Frangipani dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Th_Plonk
Elite Ratio:	6.38 - 41/41/10
Words:	183

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	250
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1390

Description:
This one is rough, rough. I'm submitting it because I'm not sure what to do with it. At the moment it seems to me to accurately convey the image and feeling.

What was unclear? What could have been said better? What didn't need to be said?

In the town of Wurupong, in Ghana, a funeral is the biggest and most important social ceremony. A big part of the Christian ceremony is the procession, in which the entire funeral party (often a large segment of the town) follows the coffin, dancing, to the cemetary just outside of town.

The cemetary is entirely shaded by a grove of frangipani.

Frangipani dots

-------------------------------------------

Roses? No, I've never seen one
though poets love them deeply.
There's a flower I don't dare mention.

There's a furnace heat in the market place
There's a funeral in town, and everybody's
Red, with dust. And everyone is
Black, in cloth of orange and green.
I'm pink with sunburn
And they're dancing in the drums and cowbells

Bo-deh-deh
Bo-deh-deh
Ka-ri-ki-ki

That was life
That was death
We are dancing

That deh life
That deh death
Ka-ri-ki-ki

Out of town
Down the road
In the sun heat

Bo-deh-deh
Bo-deh-deh
Ka-ri-ki-ki

They stop just outside
My bike stops, and I watch.

The shade there's deeper
the Graveyard Tree
the most gentle of all
bark smooth as silk
leaves of wax
and moss
coolness
and rest.

And the roots are there, growing
over the tombstones
pulling them back to the
earth so tenderly

The smell fills the air
sweet, sweet. So sad.
Those soft white petals
like cream, I can't stand it.

I stand up on the pedals
Dust, wind, and I'm gone.

Submitted on 2006-02-04 14:49:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Plonk, The initial stanza of this poem seems completely out of context. It doesn't feel like it really adds anything to what is happening in the poem. The second stanza is great... I love how it pulls one in and I think might be a better beginning for the poem... leaving out the first stanza entirely. Why mention roses at all if they aren't part of the poem? If you want to leave it there, though, I suggest adding something about roses later in the poem... maybe saying the petals are rose petals. But I think just saying petals is a stronger choice. It lets the reader know flowers are present aqnd bring their own cultural flower to bear.

"They stop just outside
My bike stops, and I watch."

This stanza confused me... stop outside what? Also... I think you need punctuation after the first line of some kind or it reads as:

"They stop just outside/ my bike stops, and I watch."

Especially as you have the period there at the end.

With those couple issues aside... I love this write. It's really good. It redeems death in a way.
| Posted on 2006-05-27 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  i love and hate when i run across a poem that bests me. i love the chant for its off-rhthym, rhthym-creating feel, a "dance of death" in a way, the celebration of loss. quite beautiful, in that way that one can only appreciate once in a while, otherwise it loses its meaning and threatens to condemn us to mediocrity and a neutral, pointless life.
i'd only suggest undoing the contraction in the line
"The shade there's deeper"
it really seemed to me that the apostraphe was out of place. some piece of me knows why, but not any conscious part.
the last thing i'll say is that i think this one stuck out to me for the reason that it seems to celebrate death and fear it at the same time. besides the words themselves, there's also an underlying feeling of escaping death by trying to create some point so... deathly beautiful that death itself might decide not to kill.
ah, i need some sleep. probably going to dream about this poem though. if i do, i'll let you know.
peace out.
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ]
  so flowers and death and dancing, chanting and dust and it's all happening down south where you're foriegn, and the whole scene causes a feeling like being winded emotionally?

that's the impression I got, without going into too much detail. but you're right, it is rough in places, especially in the first half.

The first two lines work well, starting with the one word question really grabs attention, but the third feels as if it should start with a "but".

The second stanza...the comma after red is unnecessary. It also feels too heavy with "and"'s and might read better with one or two less, for example the one before "I'm pink".

However, the rest of the poem, apart from the clichéd "soft as silk", was really rather good, though perhaps a stronger ending? I dunno, you biking off seemed a bit of an anti-climax after the intensity of the proceeding stanzas.

But then it's up to you, I wasn't there.

I hope some of that helps.
| Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a strange poem (i know this sounds corny, but) captivating though i like it its strange...im going to add it as a favorite write more stuff like this its cool..

~Audrey
| Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by nightxassassin | [ Reply to This ]
  Good call, Icarus. Looking back, that description is needlessly cryptic, almost snobbish. I've changed it. And altered the poem too.
| Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Th_Plonk | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.