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    dots Submission Name: Screaming Silencedots

    Author: brokenroses
    ASL Info:    17/m/indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 191/192/62
    Words: 430
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 708
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2153


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    dotsScreaming Silencedots

    I walked alone down the winding path as night sank like a stone. The darkness engulfed my every move and dampened my senses. The calm, comfortable blanket numbed me and lulled me to sleep before I knew it. I didnt sleep down on the ground, only my mind slumbered away. I stumbled lazily along, comfortably numb in the pleasures of the world.
    The trees offered me comfort at their base, between the great roots, but I knew their tricks only too well. Their soft calls met only with great rejection and distaste. They wouldn't be lonely for long. Some mindless fool, lost in the perverse pleasures of the world would come and give time in the sequoia shanties.
    My lane ended rather abruptly with the peaceful presentation of a slumbering pond. I clambered quickly over the rocks at the water's edge and basked in the rays of the rising sun. Dawn had once again victoried over dark and I was there to enjoy the triumphant celebration. The glassy water was bathed in sunlight, and every creature, it seemed, was here.
    Time itself seemed to stop, and I continued my stroll around the gentle lake. I was met at a slow crossing by a curious looking beaver. We continued our covert conversations and it seems that he, too, was in seek of his love. Over several cups of coffee, and equal a shift of conversation, I mounted my quest once more.
    I walked for days on the timeless trail, begging here and eating there. Many a creature I met, but nary one to speak of the love I sought. Only my heart could keep me moving, for my mind relinquished long ago. Surely some villain had stolen her away, and I could be her only hope.
    One particular morning I lay beneath the branches of a mighty oak who promised her security. I woke on the morrow to a joyous sight: the beauty I sought standing free before my eyes. She told me her story of where she had been for these seven long years, and my heart soon failed. She watched me die, but never batted a lash. Left me to rot, and never thought more. I feel somewhat satisfied, for I died with my love. I will forever be with her.

    Submitted on 2006-02-04 16:12:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Tradgic, yet bittersweet. I loved the way you tied this up at the end. You did not just let the poor guy wander all the days of his life numb, looking for this girl who has been gone 7 years. I think using first person narration was brilliant. Nice job.

    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed your story very much, truthfully said. I do believe you are an extraordinary writer. I would put in here all my favorite parts, but most of them were, anyway, so I'll make this quick. The only disappointment in here is the ending. Your story has some great potential, vivid imagery, you have led me into a beautiful environment. But the ending, I can't help but feel, is a little bland. Very contradictive to the story that built on it, which was full of imagination, and has set a perfect mood for the seeking of a love. A sad ending is not being ruled out, if I may clear things, but it could've been so MUCH MORE interesting(flavor, so much more interesting..), like how you narrated the story with impressive ease. Great potential in this, I swear. I enjoyed it very much. Looking forward to more!
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by shatila | [ Reply to This ]

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