Description: just a draft here to see what i could do with the metaphor of the wall of stone. any thoughts are welcome -- i'm not sure i have the metaphor position quite right yet.
WALL OF STONE -------------------------------------------
On good days
traffic jams don't bother me
The sky is always blue
Messages never pile up too high
and everyone is smiling
On the bad days however
I always have a headache and the phone never stops ringing
tires go flat in the rain
traffic never moves
and I want to hide from everyone
These days scrape my soul
like nails on a blackboard
and this wall of stone between my head and heart
tear me in two
my heart tempting me to do what my head knows not to do
On these days I want to call you, to hear your voice just once more
I want to get right whatever went wrong
and bleeding i will search a future that may be better
trying to make sense
of these thoughts of you
I liked the natural conversational feel of this piece and thought the final few words fell magically in to place...
typo= anything I set my mind do...do should be to.
I think you need to balance the simple metaphors against simple concepts instead of magic...because of the light tone and language it seems a little too fanciful. I've read a few of your pieces and there's some very good stuff going and but also there's a tendency to throw cliché lines in there as well. "break my heart in two" etc
From what I've read I feel you've got a strong future in poetry but just need to work on a little originality that fits with the tone of the rest of your writing.
to start with - structure if you build your poem on antithesis - good/bad days - i suggest you work on the /good days/ because it doesn't seem balanced, as you are WAY more descriptive about 'bad days'.
second - overall imagery and wording What is magic? what is really 'no matter how i try'-kind-of-state to you? are there any words to describe it differently? i like the line - like details weigh me down - i know the feeling and i can relate to it, but i suggest you work on your language and try a different way of building the sentences - because at present your poem seems rather inaccurate and untidy.
and lastly - i don't think wall of stone is an effective image to describe the opposition of mind/heart; i guess its kind of cliché.
This is a good idea for a metaphor you have here. What you have written is good and well expressed but I think it leaves the reader with questions, and a bit confused. Perhaps if you elaborated more on the actual metaphor itself it would help. "Like the world doesnt listen" in my opinion is kind of a weak line. It doesnt really have much meaning to it. What does the world have to do with this inner struggle that this poem seems to be about? I think if you made more lines more directly related to the struggle between your head and your heart you would make a stronger metaphor. Also, I think you should punctuate a bit as well. Capitalize the beginning of your sentences and always capitalize "I". A lower case "I" seems to lack strength and makes less of a statement. At least in my opinion. Overall, a very good idea here but needs some work to really allow the reader to fully grasp the metaphor. Take care.
i really liked the whole last part (from "and this wall of stone" on) it was very discriptive and i liked the symbolism, but i the first half didn't seem to have this characteristic, making it feel a little dry to me. my suggestion, add a little symbolic meaning and discriptive tone to the first half. the topic is very true to life on the whole and i think most everyone can relate in some way. one thing i was a little confused about though, is this poem strictly about the "you" mentioned in the end or does this person only factor into all the good and bad days?
Joe - I felt a real sense of helplessness during this read. Almost as if, you were drowning. The back and forth between what is thought and what is felt is something that we can all understand after losing someone special. I would be interested in hearing your take on the structure of your poem - what made you decide on its free form?
Submission Name: WALL OF STONE
