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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Deepest Blackdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: diamonds_2_dust
    ASL Info:    15/m/Eugene Oregon
    Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 105/161/35
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Fuck it all
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 896



    Description:
       I am so fuck'n angry. I don't want to say why. That'll only make me write more. Let's just say i'm ready to split some heads. I'm trying to calm down by writting. Please cool me off befor i do something stupid...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Deepest Blackdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Fuck the world cause it fucked me first
    i should have known form the day of my birth
    liffe would be hell
    but only time would tell

    the timebomb exploded
    and i spilled my guts on my good shoes
    now i've finally unloaded
    And my target is you
    too long has the fire
    been chained up inside
    the flames leap higher
    and there's nowhere you can hide

    i'm gonna rip off your head
    and grind it down to blood and dust
    this sweet revenge
    is my deepest lust

    then who knows what i might do next
    maybe ill rip your heart from your chest
    and write this poem with your own blood
    the once small river has become a flood

    Now who will you turn to
    they're all dead as well
    save me a seat
    as you burn in hell




    Submitted on 2006-02-05 03:23:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First off, brilliant first line. I love it.

    [censored] the world cause it [censored]ed me first
    i should have known form the day of my birth (capitalization?)
    liffe would be hell (life misspelled?)
    but only time would tell

    the timebomb exploded
    and i spilled my guts on my good shoes (NICE)
    now i've finally unloaded
    And my target is you
    too long has the fire
    been chained up inside
    the flames leap higher
    and there's nowhere you can hide

    i'm gonna rip off your head
    and grind it down to blood and dust
    this sweet revenge
    is my deepest lust ( like this. Good flow.)

    then who knows what i might do next
    maybe ill rip your heart from your chest
    and write this poem with your own blood
    the once small river has become a flood
    (a little morbid, eh? :) I can see it, though. The imagery is there)

    Now who will you turn to
    they're all dead as well
    save me a seat
    as you burn in hell ( save me a seat. I personally would never have thought of that)

    You did a really good job. there are a few minor things, but what the hell. You've tickled my fancy. lol

    ~le beau vide
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by lebeauvide | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this is another deep piece that although while somewhat violent it is still refreshing to see some other emotion, The expression is a place that we all feel when we are young. sometimes over simple things, other times over more monumental issues. I hope that the pain you experienced made you wiser and less jaded
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by BrokenStream | [ Reply to This ]
      AHHHHHHHHHH
    praise the [censored] lord
    this was FABULOUS

    i was smiling as i read it

    "the timebomb exploded
    and i spilled my guts on my good shoes"

    the visual was fantastic,
    this poem gave me a sense of adrenaline and intensity, all wonderfull elements in a write

    the use of an everyday notion 'the good shoes' expressed with such a powerful feeling was great

    i admire this! the whole thing had great chemistry.

    you might want to run through it and fix the hasty typing errors, otherwise its great as raw as it is
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by Halston | [ Reply to This ]
      OMGosh..This is a great write.. I really like the last stanza about saving the seat in hell...This poem really expresses your anger and im hoping you have calmed down. I really enjoy writing..U can tell because i stalk you...lol and although i know i cant prevent you from " goin back to the shadows" i sincerly ask you to not stop writing...I get on elite everyday and go to your page to see if you have posted anything new...Mainly beccause i can relate to your pain..Just my pain is a little different from yours...as you can see in my poems...Anyways great write and i wouldnt change anything about it...Just keep writing...if not for you do it for your friend...I know she is looking down on you...Always
    RandiKae
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by RandiKae | [ Reply to This ]
      e, considering you were probably on what i call a blind write, where you pour it all out. incredibly well written if it was a blind write. one suggestion is in this stanza here

    then who knows what i might do next
    maybe ill rip your heart from your chest
    and write this poem with your own blood
    the once small river has become a flood


    remove the own from your own blood. i dont know, im real finiky with this sort of stuff, but it will just smooth the words out

    i know what its like though, to get days where you could just go on a rampage. thankfully i get them less now than i used to. when i get it though...run like hell. or at least thats what my boyfriend should be doing (lol)
    hope you feel calmer.
    ps, liked the blood and bone. my kind of scene.
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]
      Poisonous and infecting. Wow. Completely true as a stream of rage being pushed onto the page. I like it!

    I would still go back and make some corrections here and there, plenty of spelling and punctuation markers that need fixing. On one hand, it could add to the form to leave it that way, but in correcting, it could also strengthen the voice.

    Cheers!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      I even started to hate the person you're talking about while i don't even know what's it all about. Maybe I don't even want to know. Keep on writing as it can help you with your anger. (and please don't do anything stupid)
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Very...venomous. This was quiet expressive of that rage you say you are fighting now. It seems that you feel violence is the only way to releive you of this anger. I hope writing this helped calmed you down. This was also very graphic. Everyline had a way this persons meets his or her demise. Count to 1,000 backwards and keep writing stuff to get it off your chest.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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