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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Victorian Funeral Homedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jessie thomas
    ASL Info:    24/F/Alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 299/338/79
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 1019
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1201



    Description:
       This is more a listed observation than a poem. We went to Jazmine's [loritab] grandmothers funeral in Tennessee on Friday. The place was so beautiful. It was old and had sort of a victorian style to it. Raivn and I escaped into the piano room to hide from everyone and I jotted a few things down. It is not ment to be taken as a poem, but rather a list of observations.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVictorian Funeral Homedots
    -------------------------------------------


    In this funeral home the time stands still. In one room it is always 3:00. In the other it's 10:00.
    The victorian chairs and couches.
    The grand piano,
    The organ,
    The rose colored carpet
    That spans the legnth of the place.
    The darkened upstairs where no one should go.
    The 'ladies' and 'gentlemen' signs that adorn the bathroom doors.
    Egyptian border at the top of the walls. The flawless white walls.
    Then the awkard red fire alarms on them.
    Chandeleers of gold,
    Paintings to match the era.
    Over priced statues, ment to feel authentic.
    The mirriors; looming and open.
    A mirrior in every room.
    They, too, contain time.
    Oh the tears this place has seen.
    Then the underground layer,
    where people can go and talk freely,
    to eat,
    to drink...
    ever present coffee.
    To forget.
    Time is stopped.
    3:00, 10:00.
    Cold air flows throughout.
    But causes not even a mild discomfort.
    This place has such a homely feel.

    One room to remember,
    One hundred to forget.





    Submitted on 2006-02-05 18:00:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I didn't find the first sentence to stand out very much, it seemed a tad cliché. The sentence after it, was wonderful though and without it, the first sentence would have seemed weak.
    In a way one wants a fuller description of the items, but at the same time, the minimalist style shows a great deal, even if originally unintentional. Though I still have to say, starting with "the grand piano" (I'm hoping html code works), "to the bathroom doors" it is kind of devoid of interest. Though the "darkened upstairs" was a great exception. It seems to have a cliché, but I can not pin it, and thus can not say it actually is. Which could mean you've coined a new cliché, that is, you did the original form of something many others will repeat. I could be wrong.
    Mentioning the fire alarms does add that bit of reality, yes. Without those "awkward red fire alarms" (which may require a comma after the awkward, but I suppose you can have poetic license here) the whole scene would be far, far too sterile and empty.
    Spelling correction, "chandeliers."
    Spelling correction, "meant."
    Spelling correction, "mirrors."
    The mention of the mirrors being "looming and open" was very good. To me, they are watching the character and waiting to swallow it whole, and the fact that they contain time can have a few meanings, but the one I got connected with the looming mention. Time awaits to consume us all just as well as the open mirrors prepare to swallow us whole.
    "Oh the tears this place has seen" I thought to be a little cliché, but I don't suppose I can think of a better line, so it works regardless. Sometimes we need a little cliché.
    "Time is stopped
    3:00, 10:00"
    Is a rather powerful line. If read correctly at least. If you continue a steady flow throughout the whole reading and then stop for a moment at the word "stopped", the slowly say "three", wait a moment, "ten." And then continue with a steady flow up to "homely feel" at which point you pause a moment again. And proceed to what I found to be the most powerful part, "One room to remember," pause, "One hundred to forget." I'd imagine that reading it as such to a group of people would leave a moment of silence at the end.
    Overall this is an excellent poem... er, list of observations.
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      the first line is vert strong, its cool too, time standing still in a place of death...the fire alarms put a sense of reality in it because you were getting into detail describing it all and then put in the awkward fire alarm...mirrors for me are a strange breed...its scary how something can take your exact image, every movement, become your life in a sense but be the nasty opposite of you...its like they take away from your life, time again, pretty cool, sorry if you dont understand that...oh i love it! very strong beginning which i thought was awesome, and then to tell you the truth i wasnt expecting a great ending because so many people put so much into the first part of their writing or the middle and leave the end and the beginning unraveled...
    rhaine
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Rhaine | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is very deep. I can feel a solemn remorse a vivid pain. It takes alot to get my attention the way this piece does and you pulled it off from the first line.
    Loveage,
    Mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      You really captured the place really well...it really is pretty i there but I am very weary of the walls, the mirrors...the chapel. Because I have been there way too much. Three deaths in 6 months. Makes me sad. And I liked that part about time there...
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Strange how a place can semi-depress you and make you feel pretty at the same time, especially when you're wearing your pretty skirt, and sitting in a pretty chair...Who won the puppy bowl? Was it the peace on earth fellow??? OH, yeah, I forgot to tell you, this is really pretty. I love the line about one room to remember, a hundred to forget.
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      wow I didn't think anyone could describe the feeling and i don't know...the way that everything looks in a Funeral Home. its one of the strangest places its like its trying to comfort you but brings you to tears all at the sametime..i really liked it i don't think it could have been any better...great write ;)
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by morbid_misery | [ Reply to This ]


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