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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chardonnaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Indigo Kid
    ASL Info:    33/f/everywhere
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 428/438/115
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1042
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 706



    Description:
       coordinating superbowl night and waiting of phone calls inspired this... I imagined a woman waiting for her husband to come home for a romatic dinner and being disappointed...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChardonnaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    My glass of Chardonnay, radiating
    a saddened glow from the overhead
    kitchen light next to the smoking
    candle that gave up hope
    moments ago.

    Cool and icy, golden but dulled
    only to be framed by the beauty
    that only crystal can bestow
    holding its truth, aged wisdom
    and mystery.

    The clock ticks a slow chant while
    your favorite dress with the
    soft and simple flowers gains
    wrinkles from being pressed
    with time.

    Waiting for you on this evening
    full of hopes for the year and
    lets downs of the moment
    is like waiting for a fine wine
    to age.




    Submitted on 2006-02-05 18:00:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is so bittersweet.. it's a beautiful poem,
    filled with longing for the person who isn't coming
    home any time soon.. "like waiting for a fine
    wine to age" is a great metaphor for that waiting.
    i love the flow and the images that you use, the crystal, the "saddened glow..."

    very well done!

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a lovely poem. A not so lovely thing to wait for someone who never shows up but the way you have written this poem and worded it so perfectly is great. You really express the longing well and the disappointment that grows with each passing minute is very well described with the candle and the flowers. The imagery here is very good and I wouldnt change anything about this poem. Really good poem indeed. Nice work. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful! No more Chardonnay at my house! You've described the scenes beautifully: the long wait , and the meeting that never happens, the turmoil in the mind of the one that's disappointed.

    Favorite lines?s

    " the smoking candle that gave up hope"

    Great personification.

    "The clock ticks a slow chant"

    Very original.

    "from being pressed with time"

    Great new twist on an old phrase.

    Suggestions:

    S2 - L2 You've got an extra word in there (typo?). Drop the "a".

    S3 -L2 How about "your favorite dress with the"
    L3 Change "gaing" to "gains".

    S4 - L2 Change "of" to "for". L3 Change "lets" to "let", and "minute" to "moment". L4 Drop "a".

    Nicely constructed, well defined thoughts, good word choices, very original way of expressing a recuuring theme, new and different phrases, along with unusual twists of old phrases. Just a great job of writing. Loved it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Well girl, you've done it again. This write streams with well expressed imagery and words.

    The smoking candle that gave up hours ago.. the slow ticking of the clock.. the dress gaining wrinkles from being pressed with time..
    and the last part about the hopes and let downs.. and the aged wine..

    It all fit together so nicely to bring out the disappointment of waiting and waiting for a no show.

    Just fabulous.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      OH MY GOD. THIS POEM [censored]ING ROCKS! Seriously this is the best poem I have ever read. I love your Rhyming, your Timing, your Mediphores...Heck I might even love you! :P
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by DiamondTears | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd say this man don't realize what he is missing or he would have been on time! And isn't it amazing how slow the clock can tick away the time when you are waiting on someone? You expressed that very well I think when you said it is like waiting for a fine wine to age. I think you poured your heart into this one and I like it so much I shall make it one of my favorites. You did a very good job of composing this poem and I enjoyed reading it very much.
    !doc'
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! It sure is bad to be stood up. I love the way you weaved this as time went by. The third staza is my favorite. I am glad you posted this. I'm sure there a host of females that are waiting to get their hubbies back from the control of football after the superbowl. This add realistic emotions and it was well wriiten. Great writing.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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