The Hardest Goodbye by faln

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Submission Name: The Hardest Goodbye dots

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Author:	faln_angl
ASL Info:	25/f/MN
Elite Ratio:	4.66 - 99/96/17
Words:	152

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	364
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	849

Description:
There is a point in every affair when the cheater realizes what pain they've caused...............

The Hardest Goodbye dots

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The glare in his eyes
as she reaches out for an embrace.

The beat of her heart
makes her hesitate.

Pounding, crowding all
thoughts in her mind.

She grabs his arm, her
vision blurred thru teary eyes.

For the first time he shows her
the pain he's kept hidden inside.

For the first time she sees herself
thru his eyes.

And she finally realizes
what she's done.

And he yells, "tell my why I
was never enough!"

"I'm sorry," she whispers
as he pulls his arm back.

"I'm sorry too," he says.
"But it's too late for that."

Submitted on 2006-02-05 19:29:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  ok, about this peice, here's what i think:

If this is the hardest goodbye, try mimicing the pausing, halting feel of it in your words. this 3rd person view, it doesn't give the feel intensely enough for me. I will not lie, your brief, broken couplets do paint well, so do not take these cirticisms too harshly.

i have two ideas.

First, change the perspective slightly. instead of:

The glare in his eyes
as she reaches out for an embrace.

try this:

His eyes are hard.

she apologizes with an embrace
that he doesn't return.

i think that breaks it better. because the point is she apologizes in it right? and her reaching out for an embrace makes it sound so mutual, embrace is such a mutual, soft rolling off the tongue word, that if you follow it with a statement on how he doesn't take part in it, i think it works better. and i think his eyes need to be set apart more because that sets the tone for the whole peice.

then you can skip the second stanza, because it's covered. the idea, she hesitates, but the point is she tries, and he says no.

Pounding, crowding all
thoughts in her mind.

this stanza has a good idea, there's too many things in her head. two choices: either state that there are too many, then show one possibility in detail as an example, or make the rythme show the pounding.

ie

Thoughts-Pounding!-Crowding!-Stop!-what have i

done?

i'd shorten the last few stanza's, cut it down to maybe 3. The thing is, you describe the entire picture, yes, but i believe imagery is found in describing the center of the picture in detail, and letting the rest paint itself. grabbing his arm is good. but simplify it to it's base elemnts. arm grab. she looks in his eyes. sees herself. knows she can't get him back. he confirms it. he goes. something as profoundly powerful as this event lends itself to a more sparse description i think.

please, i hope my critiques will not offend you or make you think i dislike the peice. i honestly like it, or i wouldn't comment. please take this with the grain of salt it deserves, for any criticism would make it less yoru work and more mine.

Respect,
Moot
| Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
  little typo in the 15th line...:)

you are right it's not until we see ourselves through the hurt ones eyes that we realize that all of our actions affect not just us but everyone who cares about us too...

short sweet and to the point...nice...
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  This is one of my favorites because it could has an open ended interpretaion. It seems like a "don't know what you have til its gone" theme and I like that. I enjoyed how he pulls his arm away from her as if there were no words needed. Well done
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by BrokenStream | [ Reply to This ]
  Sad story but true story that Ive seen and been through.I liked it cause it gives you the ability to see and almost touch the situation and emotion.Good write.I hpoe to see more of your work.
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by nosferotu_gurl | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not much for the whole commenting thing... not good at it really... Though I think you should make it longer, perhaps... Though I probably wouldn't have read it if it were long, becasue I'm lazy... Lengthy works can often get better images in peoples minds...

~ Rollin
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by J. Spades | [ Reply to This ]
  my favorite from you, for sure. No suggestions, or corrections here, just a flawless write! I couldn't have even began to say so much with these words, you wrote this perfectly.

Cheers
Tom
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  wow for such a small poem it has a big impact, n i never relly thought about things like this bcuz i cuz i could say that i was just a [censored] like that n didnt think about the guys feelings n now it does make me think that ive hurt some good guys over the years
| Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by scardnscared | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it..I love the meaning and the flow was great my fave part was :I'm sorry too," he says.
"But it's too late for that."
Great write..Definatley a fave..Later
| Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by Hip-Hop Honey | [ Reply to This ]

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