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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bitterlily
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 141/93/27
    Words: 1
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1238
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 0



    Description:
       Once again, I'm looking for "does this work?," regardless of what you think this is about, as well as what you think is going on in it. Any and all critiques are welcomed.

    And, yes, it's "fied" not "fed" or "felt" or anything else.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdots
    -------------------------------------------






    Submitted on 2006-02-05 20:03:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      In answer to the original question.... yes this works. It works brilliantly.
    I love the different takes on thirty seconds and how it adds up to the two minutes in the title through the four verses.
    Going through these different feelings in such a short space of time... you captured that beautifully.
    Honestly with me I can see no reason for any critical remarks in any way.
    Just really really enjoyed this
    Thanks for the pleasure
    John
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by hammyj | [ Reply to This ]
      I assume you meant “fed” instead of fied” in S3. Well, you certainly are a numbers person! I think S1L3 needs an ending comma. In S2, consider eliminating “of overpowerment” in L4 and, “with their cacophony rattling my ears, / wrestling with will to keep from giving in.” at the end. S3L1 could be shortened, if it doesn’t hurt your purposes, by eliminating the “I spent”. Similarly, in S4: “A half minute more for a calm...” Otherwise I absolutely love S4!
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Very complex stuff ... it's got a kind of surreal quality that makes quite attractive... it does puzzles me coz I did get lost somewhere in the middle.

    I consider that one of its drawbacks is that some lines are too long and at times is difficult to grasp the idea you're getting across. I'd say you could line it up better plus you made a minor typo in the third stanza, line 4. It seems you meant "felt" instead of "fied", have a look at it.

    For me the stanzas that worked out better were the first and the last one... in terms of the message and structure. I particularly enjoyed:

    "And I called writers imbeciles
    For mocking purity" that was great.

    Kind regards,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      ooo intriguing. i like the way you take apart such a small moment in time, litterally.
    i loved it, it completely captured those two minutes and i almost felt like i was there.
    one suggestion i did manage to come up with, in the line: "It took only half a minute for a calm resolve to form" i might say "and form" rather than "to form" i don't know, i think to just feels a little off there. it seemed like you were saying "and to form" but that's too long so i'd try the "and."
    the only other thing i really noticed was that it seemed like you wanted to ryhm at first and then changed your mind after the first two lines. i really love those first two lines though so i can't bear to tell you to do away with the ryhm and i only noticed it after a third careful examination of the piece. still it's the only other thing i noticed *shrug* so i figured i'd put it out there.
    over all, excellent work ^-^

    ~TT
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by TT | [ Reply to This ]


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