Sally's Silly Stone by shatila

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Submission Name: Sally's Silly Stone dots

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Author:	shatila
ASL Info:	17/f/philippines
Elite Ratio:	4.87 - 67/56/13
Words:	131

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	193
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1156

Description:
Who wouldn't try anything to redeem herself ?

Sally's Silly Stone dots

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Just then
The little girl mouthed
Will you marry
me?

And against the sun,
traces of moisture trickled on
the overture in the make of
a glistening rock she held
up

It was beautiful ---
encrusted with diamond

-shaped salt motes,
with a royal tint of lime green

weed.

Big-eyed Sally
ran away, her little steps hasty.
Maybe she just wanted
to dry her hair
faster.

And just maybe the sun burned
into her face, too. It was much too
flushed.

Now
For the 16th time, he found her
there in his favorite
ocean.

Trying deeper,

in search
for more
meaningful

garbage.

Submitted on 2006-02-06 05:05:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I love the images and the way this one flows.

As a father watching and retrieving his daughter from the beach, it is a great contrast of childhood fantasy and adult reality.

However, because the relationship is not defined, it had a dark edge. Men who pay too much attention to little girls make me uneasy. I spent a bit of time with it looking for clarification.

I suppose I like the mix of feelings and the way my mind rearranges the setting. In that, I have to say it is engaging. That is always a good thing for a poem to do.

Nice work.

Chrystine
| Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  Well...
This being the first of your pieces for me to read, I found it quite interesting. From the start, it was intense, bold, direct. Actually, that kind of feel is what makes it good.
The symbolism you incorporated regarding the sun and the rock also contribute in drawing the reader in. Personally, I usually have a bit of a difficult time, at first, interpreting other people's works... but in this case, with this work of yours... it was fairly easy to connect to. To comprehend.
I'll be honest... I had to read it two times through to really feel the boldness.
Other than that, to me, I like this piece.

Crystal
| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by purely_complex | [ Reply to This ]
  First of all, the use of the bold words is excellent and brings the poem together very well.

I love the description the rock. It goes from beautiful (diamond), to slightly less (salt), and then the end of the description is just a shock. "With a royal tint of lime green" It sounds so beautiful and then we get "weed" tossed in there. Wonderful job with the mix of emotions from a single description.

"Maybe she just wanted
to dry her hair
faster." It's just so simple but so complex. It makes you stop and think, if only it was this maybe. And not something else.

"Trying deeper,/ in search/ for more/ meaningful/ garbage." That is just the most perfect and insightful end to a poem that I have heard/read in so long. More meaningful garbage... Amazing.

The breaks in the lines fits perfectly with the poem's pace and tone. This is just perfection.
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Janelle | [ Reply to This ]
  well, i officially must keep up with your posts from now on. this one is easily the best i've read from you to date. only a couple things that threw me off. in the line
"And just maybe the sun burned"
it seems the first two or three words feel out of place from the rest of the piece, though i honestly don't know what i'd do to change it. maybe drop the "and just" and convert the line to a present tense "maybe the sun was burning".
the only other thing, which is so minor you could easily disregard it, is the multiple "-" in the line
"It was beautiful -"
seems like you were meaning for the reader to pause for a longer period of time than one dash might suggest, but the same intention is achieved through the line and stanza breaks following the dashes. and i swear that's all i can critique about this piece.

in regards to what i liked about it, there are many, many things that i kept going back to. my favorite is the break between the lines

"encrusted with diamond

-shaped salt motes,"

something about the way it's structured captures such a surge of emotion. through these two lines i can feel the sadness and confusion of little sally, who can still see salt as diamonds and love as a feeling that can never be defeated.
and good lord, the lines
"Maybe she just wanted
to dry her hair
faster."
i feel like i've been punched in the stomach. too much to say. i truly feel that by the end of this poem i've seen a perfectly innocent girl get blindsided by reality too fast and too soon for her own good health. and yet there's something so alluring and beautiful about it, maybe in the fact that we can all relate...
i know i tend to write novels for comments and i appologize for blathering on. hope to see more from you very soon, but don't rush it. grow with the season.
peace out.
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked the pace of this, it feels sort of urgent. i also liked how the lines didnt seem to blur together they just met. i am just confused on the spacing a little bit. but overall its great
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by chemberdan | [ Reply to This ]

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