Anger, Boiling,
Spilling, Spoiling,
Shaking, Crying,
Aching, Dying,
This is how she feels
and i Know this now.
How come i couldn't see it?!?!
I feel like a cow.
So now my
Angers Boiling,
Spilling, Spoiling,
i'm Shaking, Crying,
Aching, Dying.
This is a poem that an example of what happens when a good writer tries way too hard to rhyme. It sounds too much like a nursery rhyme about a witch stirring a pot of boiling...whatever. Then they throw in whatever tired rhymes they think of. you can do better. There are excellent rhyme dictionaries just on the web if you are committed to rhyme, and great paper ones too. I'd heard each of the rhymes many hundreds of times before and this poem left little else for the reader to fall for.
hmmm...i really likied it...until you reapeated the first few lines at the end...i understand you meaning and everthing behind doing that, but still...it just seems to ruin the poem to me.
Not to be crucial but I find it well...strange it first began AABB than ABAB than AABB is this what you were trying to do? Anyways yes some of my poems do that to, but what message were you trying to get across toi the reader other thn your anger? other than that good write,
This was , in my opinion, well expressed and with a GREAT sense of meter and rhyme. Your Friend's style is direct and hard hitting and her sense of RHYTHM, particularly, is great!
I expect to see more good poetry on these pages from your friend in the near future.
Submission Name: untitled
